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Posted by on March 29, 2018

This post is not likely to make much sense. I am completely exhausted, drained and exasperated, but figured typing right now was better then starting at a wall silently. And while she would never ever say don’t talk to me I simply will not dump more of my feelings on A right now. She knows where I am at emotionally because I know closing her out would only cause her more pain, but I just can’t look at my beautiful strong cousin, looking frailer then I have ever seen her after all shes done and dump more of the same on her right now. It doesn’t mean I am cutting her out. But who knows maybe it does. I am more confused then after after the events of the last day.

I know things that happened were not my fault. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like shit about the whole thing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I went to a movie and then I was honest about how I was feeling and then someone else was honest about how they were feeling and then the sky fell down on A’s head.

A who is terrified because some douche bag hit our car and has affected her pregancy. A who for once has not argued with a doctor when they have said you must stay in bed and you must stay calm. There was no debate. None. She never does that.

I am trying trying trying to wrap my head around the events that happened.  Just like I have tried and tried and tried to do everything I can to make things work in a relationship. Just like I am trying to figure out how I am supposed to whats causing problems or what isn’t or anything when it isn’t talked about. When I am not given a chance to say anything about something because I don’t know about it. I am trying to wrap my head around why the fuck am I bothering to deal with my issues and fight and struggle and work and improve. If it doesn’t really matter and I am going to be held continually to the person I was 8 years ago.

Sure at the core I am the same person because I believe I am who I should be. But the issues that I have been dealing with, the PTSD so much of that is different and has changed and it has taken so much hard work to get there. And I just, whats the damn point of it? I am trying trying trying to see the point and right now I don’t have it. Maybe I will when I am not drained and exhausted. Who knows. Things change I mean I sure didn’t see the day going the way it did. So who knows.

I mean I didn’t see taking a month to make sure my relationship was in a better place, and secure and there was a clear vision of what the future could and should be turning out like it has. Honestly it kind of feels like me taking that time only ended up making things worse. I am even more lost and unsure about what the relationship is now, then I was when the director offered me the job again in Thailand.

Thailand.

Just saying the word is starting to make me feel ill because it feels like issues always crop up when I am about to embark on something there. That feeling is on me but damn its hard to shake sometimes. I own the fact I made a choice to take the later date to Thailand. I thought it would be the right choice for my relationship. I thought it would be the choice that respected my relationship and allowed enough time to make sure things were clear. That yes there is going to be more space for the moment, but that isn’t how I see it remaining.

Something I have clearly said before. I have stated more then once I clearly see my relationship in Thailand.

But it feels like I am not getting credit for that. It feels like I am being penalized for accepting the position that I thought I was supported in again. I don’t say that’s the intent but that is how it starts to feel to me. I was open that I took the later date because I wanted to make sure things were good and solid and on the right page. That I didn’t feel all of that could be achieved in the three days I had to if I did not take the later date. I felt it was the adult thing and the right thing to show respect for the relationship. I had the choice so I made the one I thought was best for the couple not just myself. You don’t always get those choices when it comes to employment so I thought when I did it was important to show I cared and wanted to do the right thing for the relationship while also making sure I took the job I dreamed of doing again.

 

But it feels like things have just gotten worse and more convoluted since I made that choice and I don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t know what to do after the most recent events. I am trying to process it all but some of it is just so beyond me. and I am trying to respect being told time was needed again. Time. Always time. Wheres my time? I know that sounds petulant and childish, but sometimes I feel like I am always having to forgive, to get over, to give time and then when I have a moment, or a mistake or an upset or anything like that……its the end of the world and I can’t have time because I am shutting down. Or closing someone out or not sharing enough when all I need is a little time. Why can’t I have that time?

Who knows maybe it is a selfish prick thing to say.

Maybe I never should have said, I don’t want to talk about what the director said right now because I am  mad. I am tired of having something that is supposed to be fulfilling and a fantastic job, touched by negative things. I didn’t say fuck off I am not going to talk about it at all. I didn’t say I would never say a damn thing. I said not right now.

I didn’t get the time.

And it really seems like it doesn’t matter one way or another at this point what the director said because the entire day was a cluster fuck of shit. Wouldn’t have mattered if I was on a plane or not. It is a giant ball of fuck all shit.

So I don’t know it all just feels like it doesn’t matter and maybe it does maybe it doesn’t the feeling is what it is. The director was kind enough to tell me not to worry about choosing. That he understands how important family is and that it is most important right now that I stay with A until she is safely delivered of little Gio because that is what is best for me emotionally and that is best for my family. I greatly appreciated not only his understanding but his true kindness about it. He didn’t have to do that. I made a commitment and it was looking as if I could flake out on it again. I am grateful he did not see it that way and didn’t make me feel that way.  I am so so grateful for that. That kindness truly means so much. I can’t wait to get to that work but I am grateful for the chance to make sure I have done all I can do help my family even if my other attempts at doing that haven’t always turned out the way I had hoped. The start to this one hasn’t been great either but I am still very grateful for the kindness he showed.

 

I should probably shut up now.

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