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Posted by on February 16, 2018

Another day another long time since I have posted a blog entry, but life is busy like that sometimes. Been working hard to try and get that debt slate clean so I can keep moving forward with the life plan and all. Sometimes though it just all seems futile and I started to feel a little lost. I wonder why am I doing all of this. Would be so much easier to give into the PTSD feelings and just stop fighting all of it. Stop fighting the feeling of not being enough, stop fighting the guilt and nightmares, stop fighting the worries and everything else. It would indeed be much easier. But would it be better? No, probably not. Just easier.

I am not blaming anyone for my feeling lost. It is no one person’s fault. It isn’t any persons fault really, it is just what happens sometimes. Sure issues and situations with others compound it but that doesn’t mean I am pointing any fingers. With that said, I ain’t gonna lie current relationship status and the feeling I am getting and just everything going on there sucks. It hurts and I don’t know what to do right now. I am still not blaming anyone, for all I know it is just my own paranoia raising it’s head and causing all of it. I will own that possibility.

But it feels like a huge mixed message to have a fantastic night of chatting and spending time. Getting a chuckle over a good movie and less then 24 hours later on Valentine’s day no less feeling like some kind of wall you can’t get through has been slapped up. I just don’t understand it and it does add to my feelings of being lost.

I know everyone has bad days. I know one person can’t fix everything. I know we all have outside stress issues that happen. I know all the logic things its one of the many reasons I am not pointing any fingers. These things happen to all of us.

Yet it doesn’t take away from the feeling that can be evoked because of all these factors.

I am left feeling pretty much like a giant asshole because I got a thoughtful card for Valentine’s…that had its own issues attached with acknowledging the card but that is a tech thing and just it happens nothing anyone could do. I am not attaching that situation to anything. But, my ass is broke enough at this point I couldn’t buy a card in time to mail it for the day. I wanted to but what could I do? Steal it? Slap some serious writers block on top of the money issue and I am not sure I would have ended up staring at the card forever anyways. Haven’t even been able to respond to a letter I was sent because every time I sit down to respond to it my brain locks up. I am sure there is something a therapist could say about that, but haven’t talked about it yet. That thing also makes me feel like an asshole. Who can’t write a damn letter? Come on man. But pushing that all aside, I made a few little plans for what I could do until I am able to send a little something. It wasn’t something out of a Rom com by any means but I thought it would be…fun at least.

But, she was having a down day and went silent with not much talk very early on in the evening. I didn’t even have a chance. So I feel like an asshole for not getting to do even a stupid little small thing I had planned and hoped to do for Valentine’s day. So that sucks but I am not pointing fingers and I am really not trying to make some sort of big deal out of it. We all have down days.

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting though. Doesn’t mean I am not a bit troubled by the seeming pattern of when these days happen. Day’s off. When I brought up the pattern I am told that it’s because she has no life and it’s because she doesn’t get any extra time on day’s off. Fair enough I guess, but what can I say to that? I don’t have middle of the week days off….my schedule is different then that. I also guess I don’t understand spending NO time with someone because on a day off you aren’t getting to spend more time with them. Isn’t some time better then none?

I don’t know.

Yeah we have issues. Doesn’t everyone? Yeah we need to work on stuff. Doesn’t everyone? I guess I am just starting to wonder if we will be able to work through it. My brain seems to put the clamp down if I try to write about it on for paper. Texting about it has it’s own perils and usually ends badly for a variety of reasons. So then what?

If things aren’t working while I am in the same time zone. What happens when I am back in Thailand? That is a very very real fear to me. A very serious and stressful one for me.

So …. see. Feelings of being lost.

At this point I am just randomly typing it seems but the other J of the house knows this family well, can’t turn down challenges. I know life can suck ass. I know situations aren’t always ideal. I know we can all get depressed and we can all have some massive stress from shit we don’t like, such as shitty roommates. But what happens when the crappy things seem to be poisoning the good things? What then?

I don’t know, like I said just randomly typing at this point because I won’t turn down a challenge. Least the challenger was also nice enough to send over a few articles that actually spoke to me a little bit right now. A few randomly placed snippets to keep with the randomness theme.

Stress can make you less social.

When you’re overwhelmed, do you feel like going out? Doubtful. Your partner may want to hit the town, but you’re exhausted. He or she wants a weekend getaway, but you can’t bear the hassle of making plans.

Granted, relaxation and down time are important, but too much of it can be a drag on your relationship.
It can drive you to drink.

For many people, socializing involves drinking and there’s nothing wrong with that — if you have a handle on it. When times are tough, you’re more likely to overdo it on the alcohol.

If you do, you may feel the urge to bring up and hash out your issues while drunk, which is exactly the worst possible time to do so.

Or, if you have a flair for the dramatic, you might opt for less direct, more extravagant ways to express your displeasure. This creates fireworks — the dramatic kind, not the romantic kind.
It can make you distant.

You may deal with stress by bottling it upon in an attempt to “spare” your partner from your problems or because you don’t want to appear weak.

Maybe you flat-out deny that anything is bothering you or you keep interactions safely on the surface. Though well intentioned, this can leave your partner feeling shut out, wondering why you emotionally disappeared.

4. Prioritize commitment.
If you’re feeling too strained to connect with your partner every day, Dr. Mantell recommends putting things in perspective. “Help each other remember you cannot control the uncontrollable, to always look for victory not defeat, to agree to set aside time to talk and be each other’s defense attorney, not prosecutor,” Dr. Mantell says. Ask yourself: What will your relationship look like in one month (and in six months) if you don’t prioritize time with your partner? What are the advantages of putting your partnership first, and what are the disadvantages? The answers to these questions should motivate you to pursue quality time together.

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