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Posted by on April 11, 2017

Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly things can go from nice and happy to what feels like a shit storm. It is of course in those moments when I am feeling that amazement and confusion that I end up asking myself where do you draw a line? When do you toss your hands up and think that maybe life is flipping you off? Oh I am sure lovely A would say I am being melancholy but we are all allowed sometimes eh?

Maybe it’s the meds, maybe its having my jaw wired shut still or maybe as I was accused of earlier I am in a mood. Love is a powerful force there is no doubt about that and I will never be one to say it isn’t. I firmly believe it is one of the strongest forces in the world. But sometimes it just can’t fix everything. I wish I could. I used to think it could, but I suppose as I have gone through life and been ground down with it I have become slightly jaded.

That is what life does to you I suppose, grinds you down. I do my best not to let it, but I am tired. I have given blood, sweat and tears to a country that doesn’t care enough about it’s people to see the harm being inflicted upon it now. A country that is slowly pulling itself apart at the seams. A country that doesn’t always treat those who put their lives on the line for it very well.

I am tired. A son who lost his Father far to early in a traumatic fashion and a Son who slowly watched his Mother become someone she would have hated. Who didn’t know him in the end at all and yet there he was. I would do it again, she was my Mother and she deserved more then what life gave her. I hope they are together again happy my parents wherever they may be.

I am tired a Brother who’s sister is seemingly always at odds with him now. We used to be so close. She and I and A were often called the three musketeers growing up. I was Porthos the fun one of course. She was Athos cause she could be so bloomin’ bossy and A was always Aramis for reasons that would not become clear until later in life. Scamper A’s dog was D’artagnan because why not. We aren’t the Three Musketeers anymore at least it feels as if we aren’t. Perhaps we shall be again someday. I surely hope so, but for now things are as they are I hate the strain but there are not many things I can do about it at this point.

I am tired of getting whiplash. I consider myself a fair man, a man who can go with things as they change and try to be good about it. But maybe I am not. For as often as I am told I am one thing or another, or that I am not doing something good enough maybe I really am not as flexible or fair as I think I am. Maybe I am really just a piece of shit on toast as I was told once among other things. I have tried so hard to bend over backwards and show how hard I am willing to fight for the woman I love. It just feels like it is never enough, I am never enough. No matter what I do.

Forgive perhaps the worst betrayal I have ever felt in my life and the continued lie that happened for sometime after it.

Literally lock away part of myself because of the issues someone else caused and I was now helping to deal with and clean up the issue and damage. I want to be clear that I don’t have anything against doing that, when you love someone you want to help lift them up and to help them feel better, to be their best self. I won’t pretend that it is easy to do when the cause of so many problems is a drug using, dealing, pimp ass fuckhead that you were left for. It would be wrong to lie about that. Hard or not, love is worth the effort but I am tired.

Things change and suddenly that part is wanted again and yet when I let it out of the box even a little bit. Problems. Problems and more problems. I don’t know what to do with that anymore. Honestly. I just I sit here and stare off into space going what do I honestly do. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t in this situation. I am so tired feeling like that. I just want to know what direction to go in order to get to the place I thought we both wanted to be. Life isn’t perfect, don’t I know it and people aren’t perfect I wouldn’t want them to be, but why do I have to be so tired all the time?

It feels like anytime I get a little bit of traction in the right direction it isn’t long before something comes along and shoves me back again. Whether it is a few steps or a mile. It sucks and I am so tired so so tired.

It seems that turning down working further with a wonderful group of kids to try and preserve forward momentum within a relationship didn’t do any good. That choice was on me, I made that choice and I don’t blame anyone but myself for it. I just wish that my choice had paid forward a little more then it has. If things keep going like this when I am in the same time zone and then only 8 or 9 hours difference what happens when that is 14 or 15 hours? Not that it will be that door seems to be closed and locked. I don’t regret choosing love but I do regret not going back to that work I loved too because the results haven’t been anymore positive then if I had gone. The issues and the comments and whatever else that goes with it which I was hoping would on a whole be avoided by not taking that position back up…are there anyways. Again I am well aware that life and people aren’t perfect, but 4 days after such a happy nice message seems a little to soon to me to be feeling like the shit of the planet again. The small blurp of being accused of not having faith was surprising enough, this latest go round I just I don’t know anymore. I am just so tired. So damn tired.

That tired is literal too. Beside having a crap load of medications on board, which I HATE by the way I have been trying to get up by 3am local time everyday so we have some time together. I don’t always manage it, even though I set a total of 6 alarms. While I can’t do my full security work like I want to be A has taken enough pity on me to at least give me some work so I can at least make my car and insurance payments and not feel like a complete and total loser. I help with the kids and help sort correspondence and a variety of other small things. I feel a little useful at least. But between the early hour up, the medications and running around after the kids and such. I am damn physically tired. I guess that effort to get up was misguided as well. Good to know I guess since evenings aren’t convenient or whatever.

I was taught that relationships were supposed to be team work. That relationships of true love were supposed to be full of compromise and tackling the mountains and things life throws at you together. Relationships are work, no doubt but your supposed to be working together towards the same thing right?

Today it doesn’t feel like I am in the same chapter with the woman I love let alone the same page and that makes me tired too.

Throw on top of that a guy who is naturally a Dom trying to deal with the times, days, and main shots are being called by one party that isn’t the Dom and you end up with me. A tired, exhausted mess.

I really probably should not be hitting publish on this because it is just as messy as I am and I am a huge mess right now. But I wont be a hypocrite. I told Amby she needs to start publishing the things that she types out and then deletes. That she needs to allow people to see how she is feeling.

TO NOT GO BACK TO CONCEAL DON’T FEEL.

So it would be wrong of me to tell her that and then delete my own mess of thoughts. This is me a confused, messy human being. Who is very tired.


 

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