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Posted by on March 28, 2017

Goodie goodie gum drops. The worst happened and old injury had flared up. To clean out the abscess to keep it from going into a full bone infection had to break my jaw in two spots and wire it back up. Good times right?

Went under having two different kinds of panic attacks so that was GREAT fun. Really. No seriously I don’t recommend being put under anesthesia why you are having not one but two panic attacks, it makes for a pretty miserable “night night” time.

I like Milkshakes but I already know the novelty is going to wear off very quickly. Last time it took about a week but oh I was younger then. Now I am just sighing and thinking about chewing gum or eating a big juicy steak. Yeah that one put in my head *face palm*.

I don’t get to work for a while either which is kind of something that ticks me off. I guess the bright side is I can catch up on my writing? Maybe even a few movies? Trying to find the silver lining. It isn’t easy because I am seriously NOT seeing one. Maybe the medication? Yeah I hate the feeling that happens when you have serious meds on board so not so much there either.

Ah well tomorrow I might get to try apple sauce. Yum yum. I think even the babies are laughing at me right now.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

So preface, I have a nice big fat abscess that is not only in a tooth but my jaw. Old injury helped that along yay for that right? So I am on some heavy duty pain killers, which I hate. Among other medications that in general make me seem like a toddler who got into the beer on accident. So I try NOT to drunk or medicated type. Really I do.

BUT CHECK OUT THESE NEW THEME?!!!!!! SERIOUSLY ISN’T IT LIKE THE BEST AND MOST NERDY AND OMG EVER?! I KNOW RIGHT?

So first off HUGE HUGE HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE shout out to A the best cousin and best friend a dude could ever ask for because she sprung for this. Asked me a few questions and BAM look at this EPIC THEME!!!!! Also massive shout out to her trusty designer Monique. I don’t know you personally Monique but, massive thumbs up to you thank you so much for the second awesome theme. This is like Wow. Seriously even not on medication mind blown awesome. I will be the envy of my few non family member readers. SO yeah alright there total nerdgasam going on there. Totally love the new theme and I am extra happy to have that annoying line of code gone. I am either going to have to ask a favor to get the rest of my little bits and bobs changed over or try and do it myself when I am not as Deadpool said orbiting Saturn. A feeling I am really not a fan of. At all.

This week has really been an up and down week to be sure. The terror attack in London a very terrible thing compounded by family attachments and worries. Shit hitting the fan where it really didn’t need to always fun. I really really hate feeling like a chew toy. The aforementioned shit fuck of a bad infection in my face causing more pain then I really want to talk about right now. So on and so forth. Alright so that makes it look like the week is a shit fest and yeah really has been. Upside, got to see some solid friends come through in a pinch when they really had bigger things on their plate. Handed out a little bit of advice that seemed to help? So I will go with those two as the brighter spots so it doesn’t look like a total complainer moment.

Here comes one of the reasons I should not type when my brain filter is not fully functioning. There are things that I do not like in life, I am usually pretty forth coming about these things because that is how I am. Just kind of had it drilled into me at an early age be honest about stuff, right on to the things you don’t really like. Sure I always try to be not a complete douche bag about these things because that is judgemental and jackass about shit but honesty.

What I really dislike though is when I am made to feel like my dislike of a certain thing is a good reason to not talk to me more openly about it. Yeah those few readers are going, WTF man vague book much? Others are going to be nodding along so there you go.

I guess I am having trouble at the moment wrapping my head around how can a meaningful long term relationship be built after everything. If after everything that has happened there can’t even be some simple communication about, hey I keep falling asleep at random times on you because I have been smoking weed for XYZ reason. I mean, really seems to be open and honest communication is better then letting someone think you have a major medical problem. Or that you just don’t really want to talk to them or whatever other random shit can run through someones mind when they don’t feel well or are having issues of their own as well.

Yes. Anyone who knows me for longer then a day or two knows that I am not huge on the recreational drug use. I am even less enthused in using it as a self medication for other issues. You can blame a lot of that on a fair amount of medical knowledge. However, I try not to be judgemental we all have things we need to do in order to make it from point A to point B in the day. It is legal in some states now for recreational, so not like any laws are being broken. I like to think I don’t hammer on about things or act like a judgemental jackass who launches into lectures about this stuff. Maybe I do though and no one has pointed it out, I guess I should take a survey or something because I suppose if I am a jackass who lectures I could wrap my head around the reasoning a bit more. Or at least find a bit more ground with it. Hell if that even makes sense. See the preface on why I should not be posting anything right now.

I don’t know I am just starting to see a familiar pattern crop up and while I am trying not to be that dude that “lives in the past”, patterns are patterns for a reason and this one makes me twitchy. Very twitchy.

That said, time to shut up and stop typing before I commit something to the internet I will regret. I try not to do that in general.

So I will end on another hopefully good note. Still in love with this new theme. Oh and hey anyone see the new Power rangers yet? I know its all Beauty and the beast right now but hey Rita Repulsa got an upgrade. Complete with a very Lady Loki feel am I right?


Posted by on January 24, 2017

I hate feeling adrift I really do. I might be a bit of a Gypsy, I think that runs in the family but that feeling of being adrift and not belonging, I don’t like it. As much as I have been trying to ignore it lately it just keeps creeping up on me. Like an unwelcome door knocker reminding me that it is there with a persistent knock knock on the door. Honestly I don’t know what to do about it anymore either. I know ignoring the feeling wasn’t the right or healthy thing to do, but I also don’t know how to go about fixing it anymore.

I feel like no matter what I do, what I choose it is never good enough. I feel like a dog chasing my own tail on a fairly regular basis and that sucks. My therapist says most of this is probably stemming from a feeling of not feeling as if I know who I am anymore. That it is rooted there and he’s probably right because lately every time I look at myself in the mirror I see an epic failure and indeed I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to know who I was. I was a Son, a Brother, a supportive Cousin, a Marine, a Uncle A Teacher, A Dom maybe a boyfriend too? I don’t know that word has always been one that is odd to me I am a man not a boy. You know like some people don’t like the word moist? Anyways I digress.

Who am I now? Both of my parents are gone, my relationship with my sister is not as close as it used to be, I have leaned on my cousin to much and while I know that I can’t seem reign that in and stop, my tours of duty are over unless I enlist again, which isn’t really advisable especially with the new twit in the oval office. I can’t fathom that I live on a planet where Donald Trump is actually the commander in chief. I still manage pretty well with the little guy, but even in that the last few days I have not been able to keep up with him and I feel as if I let him down in that.

I can’t seem to make a choice on what to do about teaching. I really enjoyed the work I was doing in Thailand and I felt I did it well and maybe was even making a difference. The time zone though makes things difficult, I did my best with that but I am fairly sure I failed at that too and I am sure in trying to spin all the plates at once I failed the kids too somewhere. Self doubt blows, I liked myself better before I had it. I have been asked to go back to the village, back to the little house I built with my own two hands, the school house that I also built with my hands (also helped of course by the villagers), so the sound of the jungle as I went to sleep and a demanding paw that was the size of my head as it demanded part of my lunch. I am just not sure what that would do at this point with other things. My getting upset over a completely missed date night caused by perhaps the second biggest douche on the planet (purposely I have no doubt), caused issue and trigger enough in itself. So what happens if I go back to Thailand where the time difference is 14 hours (unless I am off there)? I have also been offered a job at two different schools in the UK where I did some of my student teaching work thanks to A. Again not bad choices, pay more then being in a third world country of course but I didn’t go into this for the money. There is of course again the time zone difference between the West Coast of the United States and the UK.

I have not had any job offers in the States, granted I have not applied for any either. Don’t get me wrong students in the United States need help and schooling as much as any other student. The problem in the US is that the school system and politics with it really ties teachers hands these days. Have you seen common core math? I can understand it does work better for some students, but a great many are just flat out confused by it. Then there is of course the fact that it seems these days if the student isn’t doing well the blame goes right on the teacher. The parents have a fit, the child needs a safe space whatever, and the school admin usually backs up the parents in that instead of standing behind the teacher. Again this is painting with a fairly broad brush and I know that it is not the case for every school and every teacher, but in general there is a massive problem with the education system in the US IMO.

As for a Dom..yeah right that just yeah. I am sure someone who is a better wordsmith then I am who could explain the feeling. Those who don’t understand D/s will never understand the desire and frankly the need to be a Dom. To me I feel like that part of me is a muscle. All muscles need to be worked out once in a while and when you don’t use a muscle that you are very used to using it can leave you feeling, off. That is probably not the right word but it is the only one I can come up with at the moment. My Dom muscle feels as if it as completely atrophied because being a Dom in the vanilla world is generally frowned upon and I respect boundaries and other peoples issues. Sometimes maybe to an extreme but I completely hate triggering people because I know what it feels like to be triggered. I get triggered a fair amount of time and just bite down on it. Still stinks.

So yes, there it is I feel like an Adrift failure lately. Cycle of life right? Suppose everyone feels it once in a while. There is a lot more making me feel adrift but the little guy is awake and I assured G and Al that they could sleep in I would take care of him.


Posted by on January 14, 2017

I have 4 days to ponder if I am going to keep this blog and from there to ponder if I am going to update the design. I probably should update it, not sure what look to go for at the moment though. Likewise if I do keep it I should probably do something more then I am with it. I mean look at A she has several blogs, they all look fab and have good content.

Speaking of A, this pre post was started to simply say. I plan on taking part in her weekly meme from Birth of a Notion when I can, that is Saturday Sanctuary. This weeks theme really speaks to me, as hard as it is to see her struggling with grief right now and feeling helpless to do anything to help, it really did speak to me. Grief and me are old frenemies. I know taking part in her meme’s can sometimes make her smile so there is also that bonus by taking part I will just have to do it a bit later.

I should really take part of Musical Monday too..before she kicks my ass about it. Looks like I might be leaning towards keeping ye old blog.


 

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