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Posted by on January 15, 2017

A weekly meme being hosted over at Birth of a Notion  it gives you a word, or a picture or a song anything that can be used as a writing prompt. I am glad that the meme is back (even if I end up not renewing my domain, which I am still on the fence about anyways) this weeks prompt is:

Grief

Boy oh boy this one hit a sore spot with me, I am no stranger to grief. I wish I was, I really do but I just am not. Grief is like a frenemy, always around and you just want it to go away. For me there are several different kinds of grief even.

 

I knew grief at a young age when my Father was killed. I am glad that I don’t remember a lot of the details that surrounded everything that happened. I know I could look up more information but I don’t want to pick at that wound. I do remember the feeling of loss. I do remember wanting to talk to Dad about things so many times as life went on, and remembering he wasn’t here to physically talk to anymore. Sometimes, every once in a rare while I still make that mistake of wanting to tell him something. More recently because of course now Mom is gone as well. Although the last several years had not been good, she was not lucid much I could still talk to her even if she didn’t really respond. Now that is gone too. Only the Grief remains.

I am man enough that losing my Mom was always going to crush me. It was never going to be an easy blow to take and I am still struggling with it to this day. I never expected it to be as bad as it really was. I think physically pulling out my heart and showing it to me while doing the flamenco on it, would have actually been less painful. I am not the kind of guy who walks around pointing and blaming other people for the load that I carry. We all have the loads we are supposed to carry in life and that is just how it is. I can’t help but wonder sometimes though if things were that much worse for me at the time my Mom died because I was already trapped in some pretty shitty grief.

When your Mom is sick and very clearly moving into the final phase of things and the woman you thought you would spend the rest of your life with tries to manipulate you and then unceremoniously dumps you, that is going to leave a mark. In my case it was Oliver Queen gets his ass almost dead by Ra’s a Ghul kinda mark. Yes there were drugs involved and an asshole, which goes towards frame of mind but from my side, from the side of grief doesn’t make it better. Makes it worse really. Folks in my family notoriously don’t do well with disloyalty. Were a family of Marine’s, we tend to live and die by Semper Fi, literally made into one of the family motto’s recently. Then you have one side of the family who’s name means Hawkeyed and has the motto Lamh Foistenach Abu, or The Steady Hand to Victory. While the other’s name means To Sing and I will have to research the motto but given some famous members of the surname it is no less important then the other ones. But I digress, bottom line is I was already a mess and then my Mom died.

I don’t remember a lot of time after she died. Clearly I am still here living and breathing, no thanks to myself I am sure. I am sure that thanks lays directly with my sister who was dealing with her own grief, my force of nature cousin and C. Thanks guys for keeping my often times lame ass breathing. It would be a large lie to say I wasn’t steal dealing with the grief of losing my Mom even a year on. Someday’s I am alright and I manage not to think about it to much. Otherday’s I feel like I have been thrown out of a plane without a parachute, or I am trapped under water and unable to break the surface as my lungs burn because I need air.

Grief sucks.

Watching others deal with Grief sometimes sucks harder then your own grief. When you know how that grief feels, how deep it can hurt and you are on the outside feeling helpless to truly do anything to help them. Because along with the pain you also know that sometimes there is just nothing at all that can soothe the grief. Sometimes you just have to work your way to the other side of the pain, where it hurts a little bit less and you can at least start to manage it.

I think Grief on all levels is maybe the worst thing that humans deal with emotionally. I am really not a fan and if I could chose to flip a switch and turn that emotion off. I would without even thinking about it. That might be a little extreme sounding but I am sick of dealing with Grief and Pain, I am sick of watching loved ones deal with it too.

I think for me, this picture sums up Grief to me. I know it seems silly because it is part of the art that belongs to a TV show but it really evokes emotion to me and I know I am not the only one.

 

“I’m only human and I crash and I break down.” even the best of us are going to break down under strain and grief sometimes.

 

I am sure my cousin will be the first one to say that the show I am using this pic from started out with this image:

 

I’ll fire back with this one and say yup look we have followed the entire course of hope, hurt and grief in the course of three images. Scary bit like the show did..but anyways.

 

Powerful imagery. I think that is a good place to leave this post. Grief sucks. I wish we could live in a world without it. I think many of us could use a little more joy in our lives. I think some of us could use a little less time holding the weight of the world on our shoulders. Maybe someday Grief will just be something people talk about as a foreign concept. Maybe but I doubt it.

 

 

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