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Posted by on July 30, 2017

This is how I feel as of late, round and round it goes where it stops nobody knows. I know my blog has turned into a bit of a boohoo sad little boy who is all butt hurt lately but it is what it is. As Amby is fond of saying it’s my space I can do what I want with it right?

Despite being told not overly long ago (hours) that current things aren’t part of a cycle, I could beg to differ and give so many examples I could fill a book. It would be petty of me to do it, its probably petty of me to even be typing about it now, but since I have little else in the way of semi safe expression lately there it is.

The cycle generally goes something like this

* A choice is made
* I comment, maybe not my favorite choice but not a huge deal over all.
* Asked a general question.
* Answer
* Have to answer again after statement.
* Long statement of why the choice is what it i, and so on and so forth.
* Long disagreement/argument/ect ensues.
* Realization of jackassary comes and there is a basic apology.
* Time that follows is sporadic and sparse some reasons valid, some not.
* Communication seems to be sporadic as well.
* Statement of illness and depression
* Snark ensues (do not claim to not be part of that at times I am human)
* Feelings of never ending cycle heap onto fresh wounds and feeling unresolved plops on top.
* Wash rinse repeat.

I don’t know what to do anymore about it. I have said I can’t keep going around and around. I feel like a jackass for even making this post. I am not a man who does not understand flaws, issues, emotions and depression. I understand them fairly well but I am also a human with feelings of my own as well.

I always thought the point of a relationship was to support one another even in the bad times. To work as a team, to share the load as evenly as possible. I don’t know maybe I am just naive and idealistic. Lately I think I should just dedicate myself to not being in a relationship and be a lone wolf. Might be lonely but at least I could only blame myself for any choices or feelings and at least I would know what I was thinking, I understand myself most days.

Just so exhausted so tired of feeling like I am damned if i do damned if I don’t. Like answering a question will end up with me getting my head snapped off but not answering gets me the same thing. Bla bla bla I know I have written all of this before and I am sure anyone who reads it will just say deal with it or man up or whichever. Maybe I should. I am so tied in knots anymore I don’t know.

I do know I am tired of going in circles. I do know I am tired of not feeling supported. I do know I am tired of seeing others in my life suffer because of my choices heaped on top of other things going on. I know many of those things are things I can’t help, but makes me feel guilty when I could have helped things.

So another babbly post. Is what it is.

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