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Posted by on February 29, 2016

Was looking forward to meeting with a few of my platoon pals today and overall it went well. Until I basically got called a big dumb ass fool. I know he meant well, I served with this friend for a long time and both of us have been walking a hard road back through PTSD and handling things the best we can. So I understand he came from a place of love and concern. It still wasn’t something nice to hear. Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn’t either way it hit like a big punch right to the face.

I was happily showing patterns, charts and plans for some blankets I am going to make and that is when the comment and the rest of it came up. Maybe it is stupid to think about these things everyday. Yeah he pointed out I am doing it for someone who dumped me, went poof and has been a bit spotty with the communication since. I mean yeah I get it we all deal with our shit and life is life. While I am still not sure how I feel about everything he said one thing was spot on. No matter how busy life is it doesn’t take long to send a text and just say hey whats up, or I am thinking about you. I don’t know maybe I just read messages way wrong in the letter I got and responded too. Maybe I am a a big fool for thinking as much as I do about her and her daughter. Several times or more a day. More when I am planning things like I have been recently to make and try to help. I basically told him where to stick it and that he didn’t have all the information and he doesn’t because I don’t always share everything, but I don’t know.

It is hard to work with mixed messages or like I said maybe I just read things wrong. I am still struggling everyday with my grief. I miss my Mom everyday. I miss what life could have been if she was still here and healthy. I miss that she could have seen more of the big milestones in life. Maybe that is how it is maybe I am not supposed to hit some of those milestones. Maybe those are just meant for other people in my family. I had the dreams, could see a life married, a step dad, maybe a Dad. Now I just see a big black void. Makes me wonder what I am fighting for so hard in trying to continue to move forward from the PTSD and move through Moms grief. Would be a lot easier to give up. The gods know many of my fellow comrades who have lost less (not down playing their struggles at all) have given up and called it a day. Most days I can struggle through and hold to the positive aspects of things. Work my program that the migraine give me. Today was not one of those days.

Might not have been a physical blow but it is one that still hurts a lot and has put me on my ass for the time being. I know not my friends intention and he said he was sorry about it after I told him where he could stick it, but still.

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