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Posted by on January 31, 2017

Yeah that is me, still a drift the guy with no anchor. I am sure at some point I will sort myself out, I always do. I feel like a gigantic turd for leaning on A even a little bit considering she has now lost her sweet Cubby boy, but what can I do but lean on her hospitality at the moment?

My inheritance is invested in a house that I have not yet had a chance to do any proper work to and my savings are gone.There is my half in my sister and mines childhood home but she said it would feel wrong to buy me out. That Mom would want us to both have a share in it and she is right in that. Would be nice to say I had all kinds of money stashed away for a rainy day but that isn’t the case. Yes I have sold songs and thanks to that I can at least say I am debt free if nothing else. Schooling isn’t cheap these days and I was not about to take out student loans. And anyone who thinks that end of life care long term for someone who has dementia is cheap, is a real moron.

By the time Mom passed even paying as much as I could when I could, my sister helping and ashamed to admit A also having helped there was still over 500,000 in medical bills that needed payment. Think about that number for a minute, that is half a million dollars and that is after all the payments that were still being made. That right there is what is wrong with this country, or at least one of the things that is wrong with it. Yet assholes like Cheeto in chief want to take away the Affordable care act, which allows people like myself and others to have affordable health care. You would think as a vet I would be taken care of but nope that funding is even worse. Of course PTSD and other issues are pre existing in the eyes of most insurance so good luck chuck on that end. So yeah i live in a country where even after everything I did and everyone else did there was still a total payment due of 500,000 which they handed me oh about an hour after my Mom passed away. That of course didn’t include “storage” before the home picked her up, or anything else. Nice right?

My Mom had prepaid for her funeral and yet we still had a bill there too, because prices had gone up and there was no contract. Perhaps an oversight on my Moms part but seriously? How underhanded can you get? She prepaid for everything yet they still decided we owed them another 10,000 dollars in order to keep things exactly as she wanted. The only thing she had not prepaid for was a headstone, care to know what they charge for those these days? Yeah you really don’t.

Yet even with all of that I am still able to say right now that I am debt free. Should make me happy right? It does most days but when I am faced with the fact that even though I am debt free I am currently living off the kindness of relations it chafes. I don’t like to feel like I am taking advantage or being a burden. I have a teaching degree I should be out there using it right? Maybe I just suck and am a failure. No idea. I couldn’t even pay for the domain renewal on this blog. Forget a new theme or a new fountain pen to replace my ones that are now gone.

Sitting here in a place that has beautiful views, snow and would love to hit the slopes and go skiing for a while. That would be a great way to blow some steam off and just feel like a normal person for a little while. Can’t do that though, would have to ask for rental fees on top of the fact that it is not my dollar I was brought here on, or mine that put food in my stomach. Thus it would feel wrong to ask also for the fees to head out and hit the slopes. Let alone to get to stay here and not head back to the snow free zone. Not my money, not my say where it gets spent right? Would be shitty to add more stress onto someone who I can see is having trouble just managing to stay present. I get it I really do. First Pash Pash and then Cub cub both her familars, Cubby so much so that he was always called a barnacle. I get it. I won’t add even more then I already have to the burden.

Doesn’t keep me from feeling like a ship that is completely unmoored without land or a port as far as the eye can see. Thailand seems to be the only achievement I can really hold as something that I did really well. I wish I had just said yes when I had the chance to going back, might not make millions but I was doing good work. Helping children that was good work and I at least managed to feed myself and help the kids. Seems I am not destined to go back there however, since I didn’t say yes when given the chance.

My mistake and I Have to live with it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Days like this I really do understand why my Brother’s in arms have taken the path out of this world. This world is full of shit sometimes, yes there is good as well but you have to have the strength to get through the shit. Someday’s I really don’t think I have that kind of strength anymore.

Posted by on January 24, 2017

I hate feeling adrift I really do. I might be a bit of a Gypsy, I think that runs in the family but that feeling of being adrift and not belonging, I don’t like it. As much as I have been trying to ignore it lately it just keeps creeping up on me. Like an unwelcome door knocker reminding me that it is there with a persistent knock knock on the door. Honestly I don’t know what to do about it anymore either. I know ignoring the feeling wasn’t the right or healthy thing to do, but I also don’t know how to go about fixing it anymore.

I feel like no matter what I do, what I choose it is never good enough. I feel like a dog chasing my own tail on a fairly regular basis and that sucks. My therapist says most of this is probably stemming from a feeling of not feeling as if I know who I am anymore. That it is rooted there and he’s probably right because lately every time I look at myself in the mirror I see an epic failure and indeed I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to know who I was. I was a Son, a Brother, a supportive Cousin, a Marine, a Uncle A Teacher, A Dom maybe a boyfriend too? I don’t know that word has always been one that is odd to me I am a man not a boy. You know like some people don’t like the word moist? Anyways I digress.

Who am I now? Both of my parents are gone, my relationship with my sister is not as close as it used to be, I have leaned on my cousin to much and while I know that I can’t seem reign that in and stop, my tours of duty are over unless I enlist again, which isn’t really advisable especially with the new twit in the oval office. I can’t fathom that I live on a planet where Donald Trump is actually the commander in chief. I still manage pretty well with the little guy, but even in that the last few days I have not been able to keep up with him and I feel as if I let him down in that.

I can’t seem to make a choice on what to do about teaching. I really enjoyed the work I was doing in Thailand and I felt I did it well and maybe was even making a difference. The time zone though makes things difficult, I did my best with that but I am fairly sure I failed at that too and I am sure in trying to spin all the plates at once I failed the kids too somewhere. Self doubt blows, I liked myself better before I had it. I have been asked to go back to the village, back to the little house I built with my own two hands, the school house that I also built with my hands (also helped of course by the villagers), so the sound of the jungle as I went to sleep and a demanding paw that was the size of my head as it demanded part of my lunch. I am just not sure what that would do at this point with other things. My getting upset over a completely missed date night caused by perhaps the second biggest douche on the planet (purposely I have no doubt), caused issue and trigger enough in itself. So what happens if I go back to Thailand where the time difference is 14 hours (unless I am off there)? I have also been offered a job at two different schools in the UK where I did some of my student teaching work thanks to A. Again not bad choices, pay more then being in a third world country of course but I didn’t go into this for the money. There is of course again the time zone difference between the West Coast of the United States and the UK.

I have not had any job offers in the States, granted I have not applied for any either. Don’t get me wrong students in the United States need help and schooling as much as any other student. The problem in the US is that the school system and politics with it really ties teachers hands these days. Have you seen common core math? I can understand it does work better for some students, but a great many are just flat out confused by it. Then there is of course the fact that it seems these days if the student isn’t doing well the blame goes right on the teacher. The parents have a fit, the child needs a safe space whatever, and the school admin usually backs up the parents in that instead of standing behind the teacher. Again this is painting with a fairly broad brush and I know that it is not the case for every school and every teacher, but in general there is a massive problem with the education system in the US IMO.

As for a Dom..yeah right that just yeah. I am sure someone who is a better wordsmith then I am who could explain the feeling. Those who don’t understand D/s will never understand the desire and frankly the need to be a Dom. To me I feel like that part of me is a muscle. All muscles need to be worked out once in a while and when you don’t use a muscle that you are very used to using it can leave you feeling, off. That is probably not the right word but it is the only one I can come up with at the moment. My Dom muscle feels as if it as completely atrophied because being a Dom in the vanilla world is generally frowned upon and I respect boundaries and other peoples issues. Sometimes maybe to an extreme but I completely hate triggering people because I know what it feels like to be triggered. I get triggered a fair amount of time and just bite down on it. Still stinks.

So yes, there it is I feel like an Adrift failure lately. Cycle of life right? Suppose everyone feels it once in a while. There is a lot more making me feel adrift but the little guy is awake and I assured G and Al that they could sleep in I would take care of him.

Posted by on January 16, 2017


Well this may be the last Musical Monday Meme post that I do here, but it might not be either. After events that have occured in the last 36 or so hours, I am not really feeling like the blog is worth the bother. That could be a knee jerk reaction though, so since I still have two days before I have to pay for the domain again for another year, I am going to take the two days and do the pro con thing. Sure might seem like I have been wishy washy over it but I guess sometimes you should not make a choice hastily and put real thought into it, even if it seems like something fairly simple such as renewing a blog domain. Even the simple things have a ripple into other things. What was that movie which kind of went about that? The butterfly affect? Maybe I could be wrong. Anyways I promised A I would be doing her lovely Musical Monday and so I am keeping my word on that for as long as I can at any rate.

I have to say that Amby nailed the song for Monday and it feels like anything I pick will just be a second best kind of thing. Beyond that though man all the nostalgia that song brought back! It made me dig into the old CD stash and start listing to songs again, I forgot just how much I loved listing to Oasis. That seems a silly thing to forget since both A and myself spent a very good junk of teenage and young adult lives being a bit obsessive about the great British band. The concerts! The amusing times trying to get to the concerts! Her very cute obsession with Noel over Liam. I will say I like Liam and his voice is unique,  but it is hard to disagree with her statement that Noel was the backbone of Oasis. The man could play guitar, write killer lyrics and of course sing. Liam had the more unique voice by far but Noel’s is a little easier on the ears if that makes any sense at all, I know A gets it.

Of course digging into the CD’s means I am going to end up selecting my Musical Monday song from the same band, but not the same song even if its tempting damn you cousin ha ha. Other things that listening to these songs again has reminded me is just how differently people can look at the very same event or words. Music is the prime example of how that can happen. A song usually means something completely different to every person who hears it. Music is a magical thing and it makes people feel (when done right) but it is always interesting to me to see how two separate people can feel two very different emotions or feel the lyrics differently from the same song. I think that happens more in life then a lot of people think. Anyways I really should not write a novel for a musical post right? So maybe a novel later, I don’t know. I am feeling, well in general not very good physically and emotionally. So without any more pre-amble here is my Musical Monday Song:

Posted by on January 15, 2017

A weekly meme being hosted over at Birth of a Notion  it gives you a word, or a picture or a song anything that can be used as a writing prompt. I am glad that the meme is back (even if I end up not renewing my domain, which I am still on the fence about anyways) this weeks prompt is:


Boy oh boy this one hit a sore spot with me, I am no stranger to grief. I wish I was, I really do but I just am not. Grief is like a frenemy, always around and you just want it to go away. For me there are several different kinds of grief even.


I knew grief at a young age when my Father was killed. I am glad that I don’t remember a lot of the details that surrounded everything that happened. I know I could look up more information but I don’t want to pick at that wound. I do remember the feeling of loss. I do remember wanting to talk to Dad about things so many times as life went on, and remembering he wasn’t here to physically talk to anymore. Sometimes, every once in a rare while I still make that mistake of wanting to tell him something. More recently because of course now Mom is gone as well. Although the last several years had not been good, she was not lucid much I could still talk to her even if she didn’t really respond. Now that is gone too. Only the Grief remains.

I am man enough that losing my Mom was always going to crush me. It was never going to be an easy blow to take and I am still struggling with it to this day. I never expected it to be as bad as it really was. I think physically pulling out my heart and showing it to me while doing the flamenco on it, would have actually been less painful. I am not the kind of guy who walks around pointing and blaming other people for the load that I carry. We all have the loads we are supposed to carry in life and that is just how it is. I can’t help but wonder sometimes though if things were that much worse for me at the time my Mom died because I was already trapped in some pretty shitty grief.

When your Mom is sick and very clearly moving into the final phase of things and the woman you thought you would spend the rest of your life with tries to manipulate you and then unceremoniously dumps you, that is going to leave a mark. In my case it was Oliver Queen gets his ass almost dead by Ra’s a Ghul kinda mark. Yes there were drugs involved and an asshole, which goes towards frame of mind but from my side, from the side of grief doesn’t make it better. Makes it worse really. Folks in my family notoriously don’t do well with disloyalty. Were a family of Marine’s, we tend to live and die by Semper Fi, literally made into one of the family motto’s recently. Then you have one side of the family who’s name means Hawkeyed and has the motto Lamh Foistenach Abu, or The Steady Hand to Victory. While the other’s name means To Sing and I will have to research the motto but given some famous members of the surname it is no less important then the other ones. But I digress, bottom line is I was already a mess and then my Mom died.

I don’t remember a lot of time after she died. Clearly I am still here living and breathing, no thanks to myself I am sure. I am sure that thanks lays directly with my sister who was dealing with her own grief, my force of nature cousin and C. Thanks guys for keeping my often times lame ass breathing. It would be a large lie to say I wasn’t steal dealing with the grief of losing my Mom even a year on. Someday’s I am alright and I manage not to think about it to much. Otherday’s I feel like I have been thrown out of a plane without a parachute, or I am trapped under water and unable to break the surface as my lungs burn because I need air.

Grief sucks.

Watching others deal with Grief sometimes sucks harder then your own grief. When you know how that grief feels, how deep it can hurt and you are on the outside feeling helpless to truly do anything to help them. Because along with the pain you also know that sometimes there is just nothing at all that can soothe the grief. Sometimes you just have to work your way to the other side of the pain, where it hurts a little bit less and you can at least start to manage it.

I think Grief on all levels is maybe the worst thing that humans deal with emotionally. I am really not a fan and if I could chose to flip a switch and turn that emotion off. I would without even thinking about it. That might be a little extreme sounding but I am sick of dealing with Grief and Pain, I am sick of watching loved ones deal with it too.

I think for me, this picture sums up Grief to me. I know it seems silly because it is part of the art that belongs to a TV show but it really evokes emotion to me and I know I am not the only one.


“I’m only human and I crash and I break down.” even the best of us are going to break down under strain and grief sometimes.


I am sure my cousin will be the first one to say that the show I am using this pic from started out with this image:


I’ll fire back with this one and say yup look we have followed the entire course of hope, hurt and grief in the course of three images. Scary bit like the show did..but anyways.


Powerful imagery. I think that is a good place to leave this post. Grief sucks. I wish we could live in a world without it. I think many of us could use a little more joy in our lives. I think some of us could use a little less time holding the weight of the world on our shoulders. Maybe someday Grief will just be something people talk about as a foreign concept. Maybe but I doubt it.



Posted by on January 14, 2017

I have 4 days to ponder if I am going to keep this blog and from there to ponder if I am going to update the design. I probably should update it, not sure what look to go for at the moment though. Likewise if I do keep it I should probably do something more then I am with it. I mean look at A she has several blogs, they all look fab and have good content.

Speaking of A, this pre post was started to simply say. I plan on taking part in her weekly meme from Birth of a Notion when I can, that is Saturday Sanctuary. This weeks theme really speaks to me, as hard as it is to see her struggling with grief right now and feeling helpless to do anything to help, it really did speak to me. Grief and me are old frenemies. I know taking part in her meme’s can sometimes make her smile so there is also that bonus by taking part I will just have to do it a bit later.

I should really take part of Musical Monday too..before she kicks my ass about it. Looks like I might be leaning towards keeping ye old blog.

Posted by on December 26, 2016

It may be the 26th now, but this song goes out to my fellow service men who were away from their loved ones this Holiday season. There are a lot of things that make the Holiday’s hard for a great many people, but to me I will always feel it is those men and women who proudly protect our country who have it the hardest. That could be a biased POV but I am willing to embrace that.

Forgot how much I really loved this song until my cousin started strumming it on my guitar. The lyrics all came back as if they had never been gone in the first place. No matter what side of the fight you are on, we are all humans, we all have family and people who love and care about us.

So here’s hoping we all live to find another way.

Heavens not beyond the clouds its just beyond the fear.

Posted by on December 23, 2016

My considerable mouth gets my in trouble sometimes. The other day was one of those days. My cousin has been prepping her 2017 challenges for reading and whatever else this year, as she tends to do every year. Love her, she is crazy with all the planning and tasks every year, but putting all of that aside. I opened my big mouth and said something about how I had no issue reading anything at all that she read. A little bit of that anything you can do I can do better mentality. Yeah, so that was a mistake. Obviously. So it looks like in 2017 I will be reading every book that my cousin reads after she does. She wants me to post a review as well, but I have been sucking royally at review posts in the past and I am not sure yet if I will keep the blog going. Alas, I have given my word so I will be reading whatever she reads this year. Looking at a few of the challenges she is picking, it might be time to get a little bit worried about that. Or maybe a lot worried. Historical romance challenge….goodie goodie. At least I don’t see any Taboo Erotica challenges listed as of yet….that YET being the keyword of course.

Other random musing’s of the day would be why do paranoid insane people always have to try and tell everyone else what to do with their life? I mean seriously. There are some people on this planet that I would not have a second thought about ringing their neck, personally. I really wouldn’t as terrible as that sounds. Hey I have never said I didn’t have a dark side. I can handle it most of the time, but other times I really do feel like I am going to lose it one day and end up being put into the prison system or dead myself. If I have to see or hear or feel the pain of someone else I care about due to some paranoid jackass being a fuck twat, I think I am going to truly end up losing my cool for good. Extreme thoughts maybe, but it is how I am feeling at the moment and I have been told by several therapists it is better to get it out then keep it in.

I get it the world is an imperfect place. We all get hurt and yes there are scammers and scam artists out there. There are even some truly odd and sick people out there as well. However and to me this is the important part. All of those people even the truly sick ones have some kind of end game. It is for attention, or some kind of high they get over that attention, or money or something else. There is ALWAYS and end game. Moreover, as soon as things get tough, rough, or too dramatic on the other end they drop off the face of the earth. Scammers who want money, simply want money if they don’t see a chance of getting any they move on to the next mark. If the scammer wants attention, they are going to of course move away from someone who takes attention away from them and needs it themselves. I have met scammers before on all ranges and they ALWAYS have an end game. Every single one. Moreover, I have yet to meet a single one or hear of a single one that put out things on their own or stayed around when the “world” blew up. The bottom line is scammers on any level money or no money whatever, are selfish people. When something isn’t about them or a situation is harmful to THEM they will just go away, poof. The people they are dealing with don’t mean a single thing to them. That is the bottom line. That is how it works.

Now just because a person is private, or the internet says one thing that suddenly means they are a scammer? Or a person who doesn’t exist? A person who is fake? Whatever the excuse is. Really? I hate to break it to the tin foil hat crowd but you really shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet. I mean seriously, don’t kids learn that in preschool these days? You also can’t believe everything you read in the news outlets, papers, magazines any of that these days. It is simply way to easy to manipulate those sources these days. Anyone who doesn’t think that there are people like Olivia Pope from Scandal and other types of fixers, really is naive. Moreover, it is laughable that someone who doesn’t believe in that sort of fixing or similar is also paranoid. I mean isn’t that the first thing the tin at types go for?

I am not the kind of guy who is going to run around and shout that big brother is out to get me and everyone hide your daughters. However, I am someone who is here to say having seen some of it in action myself fixers exist. By the way paranoid you may wanna do a little bit of basic research into time periods like the hay day of Vegas and Old Hollywood it is no secret there was a big famous Fixer named Eddie Mannix. Just because it has gone down into the more silent realms again doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Lordie. It is not hard to hack things now a days and frankly that is just how the world is. Accept it. That doesn’t mean all the people involved in these things are bad. Also doesn’t mean they are all good. The world is what it is and some people want to do a great deal of good while also staying under the radar. Can you blame them? This generation truly does seem to be generation who wants to know what other people are up to the most. Of course you can thank things like Twitter and Facebook and so on for that.

I really dislike people who try to discredit or make fake other good people for their own gains. They want to strike out and hurt someone in order to get their own ends. They don’t care who they end up hurting on the way either. So, who is really the fake person there?

So this has been a bit of endless prattle trap but I needed to get it off my chest. A reminder again not worth the jail time not worth the jail time not worth the jail time. Seriously though. Sick of seeing important people in my life hurt, one of these days it just might be worth the jail time.

Posted by on December 12, 2016

It has been a stupid amount of time since I have written here. It actually makes me feel bad that I don’t blog as much as I used to. I still journal, of course, but there is so much that has gone on in the last few months I could have shared with the “world” as it was, or interwebs as it was. On the flip side, sometimes I wonder if I should let the blog go all together as I don’t really use it much anymore. Choices to be made I suppose, I have a bit of time to choose as this domain expires in the middle of Jan. Or maybe I could get a different fresh new take on everything, new domain new blog. Alas, I am not as creative in that area as my cousin and this blog has become a little like a home to me in some sense and the .info is unique in my family bunch of .com people, lol.

Anyways, now after that bit of a ramble time to start going to cover the topic of this post. Good ole cousin A has blown in like a wind storm again this week, to haul my rear end out of the jungle and back to civilized society. With her also comes documentaries and currently there is an interesting Documentary from 2012 about Great Britain’s benefit cap. Watching it has me asking so many questions, and thinking about so many things. The very first thing that comes to mind is that Great Britain seems to have a very generous with the benefits then the United states. The second thing is that just like the US there are people who complain about people getting benefits at all. Those high on the hog welfare folks as they tend to say in the US. The third thing is that the benefits cap that they introduced seem to do a lot of harm to some good and honest people. My favorite thing about this documentary is that it is not itself, saying one side or wrong or right and I like the voice over of things actually said by MP’s (I think that is what they are called lol) and other folks things like “This is not some punitive thing there will not be any kind of mass homelessness that happens because of the benefit cap”. As we see family after family being made homeless, kicked out of houses they have lived in for 20 some years, forced to places outside of their family support network (which is so needed for single Mother’s.) and even losing jobs. So now time to look at these three main points.

The first: They seem more generous with their benefits

Watching some people on this show (and other benefits programs/docs) I think that if people got these kinds of benefits in the US there would be a massive infarction among those who hate welfare. How many times have we seen posts, articles, comments, everything else shouting about how dare these people with SNAP benefits take my hard earned money. Things about what they should and should not be allowed to buy with SNAP and all those welfare Queens out there.

The real truth in the US for sure, is that while I am sure there are some ways to game the system, it is not as rampant as many seem to say. Moreover, so what if someone on SNAP wants to get a little cake for their kid or themselves. All humans deserve a little treat some or not. There is also the fact that so many people don’t understand how SNAP actually works. You can ONLY buy food items, no fast food or anything like that and no beer or wine or anything else. Food only means food only people. Not only that, but very little tax money goes into SNAP benefits compared to other things. Seriously, if you don’t know exactly who gets tax breaks take a look for a moment at where the money goes. Just a little note, not comprehensive at all. If you make $50,000 a year you are going to pay $4,000 to corporate subsidies, $6.96 for Welfare and $43.78 to SNAP. Are you really going to say that $43.78 is to much to pay per year for people to be able to eat? Really? Well, if you do screw you Mr. Grinch we have bigger problems in the US and no one should have to go hungry ever.

Now in my experience and I do not claim to be an expert, but in the US it is very hard for single people with no children to get any help. Until the affordable care act they usually didn’t get health care, they got no welfare cash and get a small amount of SNAP. It depends on what state you live in of course, but this is a basic across the board. In England, single people seem to get a bit more, not as much as those with children of course. They have food benefit, housing benefit and money to spend on other things as well. I can just imagine what some of the people in the US would be like if that was the case, since they have a fit over people being able to eat.

The second: Ah I guess I kinda covered that one in the first spot too. Whoops.

The third: Benefits cap is hurting people

Now this documentary was 2012-2013 and maybe things have changed a bit since, but so many families were uprooted and harmed by that cap. Some of the rules of the cap were really odd too. I can see why people got so upset and stressed. One woman literally stopped eating so she could ensure her children ate, even though she was still trying to breastfeed one little one. Her milk dried up, of course, but she was trying to make sure her kids have a home and food and she was trying to get to work too. Only to find out that a stop gap measure had been ensuring she got her money from the get go, but they didn’t tell her that for a good length of time. There was so much stress she didn’t have to go through, and she didn’t have to have her health effected. That one really got to me, especially because unlike the view of so many people with these “lazy people” sitting around, she was trying to get work, a single mom and trying hard but she could not get a job.

Sometimes it is really eye opening to watch these specials. I also think that the rent a lot of private landlords in London are charging is highway robbery. Makes me want to buy up a bunch of places and rent them out AFFORDABLY to families. If wishes were horses right?

Posted by on August 28, 2016

Been a long time since I have bothered to blog. Still really not sure if I will keep this blog when the time comes up to repay for everything. Who knows. I still really don’t know much and I feel like I have very few places to turn to for dealing with the daily issues that compress down on me. Yes I have family and I love them, but I also know some of this stuff they are dead tired of listening to and I don’t blame them. I am sick of myself and sick of my inability to apparently make the right choices.

One bright side right now is my teaching. The kids are fantastic and I feel like I am actually teaching them, helping them so that they can have educated minds for a life time. Education is so important especially in areas where poverty is rampant. The more education you have the more chance you have to get out of poverty in these countries. So there is that and I am glad to be able to play some part in helping them. The kids really do seem to appreciate some of the simple things in life that many people in America and other first world countries take for granted. So that is a good thing. Something to hold onto.

Everything else is just the same muddled confused murk that it has been. Anytime I take a step I think is good, it is clearly wrong and shit devolves from there. It really is exhausting to constantly feel like you are damned if you do damned if you don’t. Certainly gives me big moments of, well why am I bothering to keep fighting? Just about every friend I have has told me I am insane for it among other things and a good chunk of my family has also pointed things out. Hell more then once the other person involved has even asked why I haven’t told them to fuck off yet.

I should be able to answer that. But I can’t because at this point I really don’t know. Sad but true.

I want to move forward, but I don’t know maybe the version of moving forward I have been trying for is not the kind that can happen. I have always thought that with enough love involved, enough understanding, empathy, talking and ability to heal that time and those things could heal anything. Maybe I have been far to optimistic and maybe somethings just can’t be healed that way.

I do know for me there is no way to heal things when those things can’t ever be talked about or dealt with. and I know that every time I start to feel comfortable enough to be a more unguarded version of myself, to joke like I do with other people and to delve into dealing with the vulnerable painful spots that surround me I get a reminder of why I need to remain guarded.

It happened again just the other day and it sucks and it hurts and I can’t address it because I am informed that I am holding the past over them and making shit worse by doing so. So I end up diffusing the situation as best I can and carrying on with random chatter as if nothing happened. It seems to be the only way to keep the peace and to have some sort of well at least this isn’t blowing up like a landmine again to it. Of course that often doesn’t work either, because then I am being cold or not sharing enough or something else. Leading to an overall feeling of I have no idea whether I am coming or going.

Like when trying to make the point that just because another person thinks their life or what is going on or whatever is boring, the other person might not. I made what I felt was a pretty clear case in point there, but all that was taken away was a negative thing. So I guess I didn’t do very well at all. Then again I never do. I point out a song I really think would be a benefit and nice thing for them, I am being pushy by asking about it days later because they have been sick. Fair enough we all get sick but even that imploded. I thought a song was a nice thing.

August has been a month full of crap for me, it always was going to be with my Mom having passed a year ago. But one year on I really just feel like I am standing still. Like despite the things I have done, I haven’t moved anywhere else. Emotionally I am just as fucked over as I was a year ago.

Joy of joy’s my Birthday is in 3 days.

It is very tempting to toss out all of my electronic communication and just stay hidden in the jungle. There is always the military option again as well. Yeah this is another rambling stupid ass all over the place post. All the more reason I should be deleting this blog. But there it is.

I shouldn’t even hit publish on this or password protect it at any rate. I am sure I will upset people again, be accused of holding things over a head again but so be it I guess. I have to get it out somewhere and somehow. If I am not allowed to get it out on my own blog well no body needs to read it. Massive wounds need drainage somewhere.

I really should delete this and everything else.

Posted by on May 31, 2016

Buy a country pile that is basic ruins and fix it up? Sure why not. At least that is an idea looming around in my head as I try to sleep these days. I have not been a great blogger lately but that is what it is because I have been very busy.

Later today I will be graduating and be able to teach. I have not decided if I will actually walk with everyone or not, I know it is a big milestone and all of that but there are other things going on that are bigger and the idea of sitting in a large space with a lot of people most of which I don’t know seems a bit meh to me. We will see how my brain swings in another few hours however. Never know, I swear I am getting as bad as Amby.

Gwen said notice came through that everything with Mom’s will and the stinking pain in the rear insurance is finally settled. So that is a weight off the shoulders. Still deep in mourning and I miss her everyday but it feels a little better to have those things closed at least.

Next month I will be leaving for Thailand to get my residence and the school ready for the at least 6 months I will be there, it could be longer. But I am also left thinking about what to do after I am done with that. Nothing in my life really looks like I thought it would right now. I thought I would have a significant other with me when I graduated and I thought I would be factoring all of that into my choices as I moved forward. That is not the case however, so I am left kind of going well what now.

Having been a student teacher in both the US and UK I can say the school system in the UK is superior and a much better environment for teachers and children. Funding is cut everywhere in the US and everything is so focused on standard tests and pushing students through to the next level, it seems to me that the art of teaching is being forgotten. Especially when it comes to children with special ED issues. I am sure there are some good places and programs but on a whole it really is a bit of a sad state. Common core math…..don’t even get me started on that one. So then what?

Within a series of instructions left by my Mom she asked that I think about home and hearth with my inheritance. It was not a you have to do this or you get nothing sort of thing, but it is something to think about. I am blessed that my cousin doesn’t mind keeping me around as a lodger but it would be nice to think about the future a bit and my own space. Even if it is something that hurts sometimes because I thought that would be done with another person as well. Can’t linger and waver forever right?

Cue watching some programs with Amby as neither of us could sleep and the BBC series restoration house. People taking on these historical properties that are falling into ruin and fixing them up. At first watch there is a cringe and wince and lord look at how much all of that costs! Entertaining to watch but nothing to consider seriously as something a modest income person could do, until the episode about Landshipping house. A stunning estate that is basically a ruin. A man and his partner who do 90% of the work themselves and re-purpousing materials they get for low cost to free. Taking a ruin that had no roof even and making it livable. Now that is something I could do.

I love working with my hands. I love building things. I am going to be building the modest quarters I will stay in while I work in Thailand. I can find some peace and solace when I am creating something with my hands. The idea of taking something that has a deep rooted history and bringing it back to life appeals to me a great deal. Maybe it is a laughable thought but I am seriously considering the idea. Maybe someday I will even have the family of my own (aside from the cousins and those kidlets which I LOVE) to put within the home. Maybe. Or maybe not. Either way I find myself looking at some listings and giving them some serious consideration. Foolhardy, maybe but I am enjoying the process at any rate. Mom loved history so I know the idea would please her as well, she always wanted to have a little “English cottage” to retire too and a couple of goats. She never said why the goats but it was a nice picture to us when we were kids.

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