Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner



Powered by Calendar Labs


 
Posted by on March 28, 2017

Goodie goodie gum drops. The worst happened and old injury had flared up. To clean out the abscess to keep it from going into a full bone infection had to break my jaw in two spots and wire it back up. Good times right?

Went under having two different kinds of panic attacks so that was GREAT fun. Really. No seriously I don’t recommend being put under anesthesia why you are having not one but two panic attacks, it makes for a pretty miserable “night night” time.

I like Milkshakes but I already know the novelty is going to wear off very quickly. Last time it took about a week but oh I was younger then. Now I am just sighing and thinking about chewing gum or eating a big juicy steak. Yeah that one put in my head *face palm*.

I don’t get to work for a while either which is kind of something that ticks me off. I guess the bright side is I can catch up on my writing? Maybe even a few movies? Trying to find the silver lining. It isn’t easy because I am seriously NOT seeing one. Maybe the medication? Yeah I hate the feeling that happens when you have serious meds on board so not so much there either.

Ah well tomorrow I might get to try apple sauce. Yum yum. I think even the babies are laughing at me right now.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

We all hate the dentist. I especially hate the dentist. Like serious full blown anxiety attack at the idea of even going. So imagine my joy at getting to go twice in less then a week. FUN right?! NOT! Add to the massive panic of trying not once, not twice not even three but half a dozen times to shove my massive trigger with the phone issues down the trash to talk to the one person I wanted to before having to deal with this stupid trip again and I am feeling like a million bucks. You betcha.

The stupid ass phone issues are my own and no one to blame but myself for that. I won’t go off on that tangent though it’s for a day where I don’t want to put my head through a plate glass window.

Hope she’s alright at least despite my aborted shit attempts at phone dialing I did text. That I can do. 99% of the time.

So rather then starting to get better with all the medications to avoid another trip, of course the stupid crap has decided to get worse. I did a very poor attempt at trying to hide that yesterday. I did not want to ruin Mother’s day around here. While I succeeded at not ruining that big fail at actually hiding it busted. Yeah so part of it was so I didn’t have to go in. Sue me.

Sadly as much as I am in full fledged panic attack mode being medically knowledgeable I also know what can and will happen if I don’t have it looked at. That is not any more pretty then going. Going septic is BAD. Seriously don’t do it, never let it get to that blood poisoning is no joke.

Anyways I am looking down the barrel of heading in in less then an hour. Who knew they were so prompt and EARLY in this part of the world. Should have known, tea drinkers so friendly and helpful. There are a few ways this can go the extreme end being I am going to end up going under and having my jaw wired shut. Yeah I did that once before. I take good care of my teeth but a combo of genetics and an old injury causes problems and here comes one. Having my jaw wired shut last time really was not what I would call fun. In any fashion. I got SO sick of milk shakes and I like milk shakes.

So still wondering if there is time to stick my head through the window. Really does seem like the better choice in the middle of this full blown panic frigging attack. Fun times. Really fun fun times.

But hey the theme is still cool. So there is that.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

So preface, I have a nice big fat abscess that is not only in a tooth but my jaw. Old injury helped that along yay for that right? So I am on some heavy duty pain killers, which I hate. Among other medications that in general make me seem like a toddler who got into the beer on accident. So I try NOT to drunk or medicated type. Really I do.

BUT CHECK OUT THESE NEW THEME?!!!!!! SERIOUSLY ISN’T IT LIKE THE BEST AND MOST NERDY AND OMG EVER?! I KNOW RIGHT?

So first off HUGE HUGE HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE shout out to A the best cousin and best friend a dude could ever ask for because she sprung for this. Asked me a few questions and BAM look at this EPIC THEME!!!!! Also massive shout out to her trusty designer Monique. I don’t know you personally Monique but, massive thumbs up to you thank you so much for the second awesome theme. This is like Wow. Seriously even not on medication mind blown awesome. I will be the envy of my few non family member readers. SO yeah alright there total nerdgasam going on there. Totally love the new theme and I am extra happy to have that annoying line of code gone. I am either going to have to ask a favor to get the rest of my little bits and bobs changed over or try and do it myself when I am not as Deadpool said orbiting Saturn. A feeling I am really not a fan of. At all.

This week has really been an up and down week to be sure. The terror attack in London a very terrible thing compounded by family attachments and worries. Shit hitting the fan where it really didn’t need to always fun. I really really hate feeling like a chew toy. The aforementioned shit fuck of a bad infection in my face causing more pain then I really want to talk about right now. So on and so forth. Alright so that makes it look like the week is a shit fest and yeah really has been. Upside, got to see some solid friends come through in a pinch when they really had bigger things on their plate. Handed out a little bit of advice that seemed to help? So I will go with those two as the brighter spots so it doesn’t look like a total complainer moment.

Here comes one of the reasons I should not type when my brain filter is not fully functioning. There are things that I do not like in life, I am usually pretty forth coming about these things because that is how I am. Just kind of had it drilled into me at an early age be honest about stuff, right on to the things you don’t really like. Sure I always try to be not a complete douche bag about these things because that is judgemental and jackass about shit but honesty.

What I really dislike though is when I am made to feel like my dislike of a certain thing is a good reason to not talk to me more openly about it. Yeah those few readers are going, WTF man vague book much? Others are going to be nodding along so there you go.

I guess I am having trouble at the moment wrapping my head around how can a meaningful long term relationship be built after everything. If after everything that has happened there can’t even be some simple communication about, hey I keep falling asleep at random times on you because I have been smoking weed for XYZ reason. I mean, really seems to be open and honest communication is better then letting someone think you have a major medical problem. Or that you just don’t really want to talk to them or whatever other random shit can run through someones mind when they don’t feel well or are having issues of their own as well.

Yes. Anyone who knows me for longer then a day or two knows that I am not huge on the recreational drug use. I am even less enthused in using it as a self medication for other issues. You can blame a lot of that on a fair amount of medical knowledge. However, I try not to be judgemental we all have things we need to do in order to make it from point A to point B in the day. It is legal in some states now for recreational, so not like any laws are being broken. I like to think I don’t hammer on about things or act like a judgemental jackass who launches into lectures about this stuff. Maybe I do though and no one has pointed it out, I guess I should take a survey or something because I suppose if I am a jackass who lectures I could wrap my head around the reasoning a bit more. Or at least find a bit more ground with it. Hell if that even makes sense. See the preface on why I should not be posting anything right now.

I don’t know I am just starting to see a familiar pattern crop up and while I am trying not to be that dude that “lives in the past”, patterns are patterns for a reason and this one makes me twitchy. Very twitchy.

That said, time to shut up and stop typing before I commit something to the internet I will regret. I try not to do that in general.

So I will end on another hopefully good note. Still in love with this new theme. Oh and hey anyone see the new Power rangers yet? I know its all Beauty and the beast right now but hey Rita Repulsa got an upgrade. Complete with a very Lady Loki feel am I right?


Posted by on February 13, 2017

Ah blog oh blog how I think I probably should have just let you expire and then journaled. Alas my stupid ass didn’t speak up and good efficient cousin A took care of your renewal, still need to pay that back, should pin a post it to my head as it may be a while.

I started working odd jobs at the age of 11 or so. This was of course just your typical kid jobs, mowing lawns, helping with groceries or moving and such, shoveling walk ways. I got my first proper job at 15 and have pretty much been steadily employed in one form or another. Retail, military, librarian, security just to name a few. Fairly sure I just set a world record for employed to unemployed, it is a record for me anyways. I would have to do some digging to find the exact time frame but less then two weeks I believe. That was all it took for me to resign. It was a choice and I own the fact that I made that choice but that doesn’t make me any less disappointed in myself or the situation.

I don’t like to be unemployed. It makes me feel like I am a failure and that I could not be a proper provider. I know that the notion is a little bit old fashioned and I certainly am not the kind of guy who is going to say that a woman can’t be the provider. Hell I would be a stay at home Dad if things worked out that way, spend all day with the kid and possibly jam on the guitar? Win win as far as I am concerned. But right now, at this point in my life I hate it. I want to pay my own way and not have to rely on handouts from others. I think that is a perfectly normal thing for most people, I know it is among my circle of people anyways.

Given the situation and the choices that were there to make, I feel I made the correct call but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. That sting feels heightened because again it would seem I got it wrong and thus was essentially made to feel as if I set out to hurt someone. Which is couldn’t possibly be further from the truth at all. I made my choice out of love and care. It isn’t the first time I have made a sacrifice choice and been slapped down for doing so. I don’t know maybe that should tell me that I am indeed a giant idiot and should stop doing those sorts of things, but I can’t help who I am. I can’t help that the very core of my being wants to protect and shield those I care about from anything that I possibly can, even themselves sometimes if it has to be. I did not plan to chose to resign, I didn’t think there would be a point where I would have to do so and I certainly didn’t think it would be in such a short period of time. I can honestly say I am still a bit shell shocked by that part of it. Thus I have been awake all night it is nearly 10 am now and just trying to process everything that happened.

I can’t help but feel like the man who goes back to the battlefield the day after and looks at the carnage that is there. Wondering how the tide could have changed as it did and how it all came to this place. A little dramatic perhaps but that is how it feels right now. Yesterday was not supposed to be a carnage battle. Yesterday was supposed to be like a may day celebration, fun and enjoyable. Spent an enjoyable day with the sprats, little man helped me with something and he was VERY excited about getting to help me with which of course was infectious. Managed to get a little bit of sleep in and everything seemed to be going just fine.

A sliced her foot open on some glass that I didn’t get cleaned up well enough. I felt like a gigantic tool for that, but no serious damage and she didn’t let it bother her to much which was a relief. Not because A wouldn’t have been right to be angry about it but because I wish only healing on her right now and even the stress of a slice to the foot is more then should be laid on her plate. I fixed up her foot and we called it good to go no need to worry about it. I annoyed her some with my stupid babble of excitement for when the kids would go to bed but bless her she took it well enough I know it was just that eye roll cousin annoyance.

And then somehow it all went epicly sideways. I mean worse then Deadpool sideways. So there begins the place where I am looking at the battlefield going, what happened? Everything was fine. What went so wrong that it would end up this way? Why couldn’t the day just have remained good. I needed a good day for a variety of reasons and I am sure I am not the only one. I guess it wasn’t to be so here I stand looking over the field shaking my head and nattering on in my blog. Probably sounding like a right prat too.

There is a point in any situation whether you understand how it came to be or not however, where you can see that something is going to have to happen. That point in a situation where you have to make a choice. That choice will always vary by situation of course and I saw that moment fairly quickly. So to try and shield, help whatever you want to call it two people I very much care about I tendered my resignation. Yes it hurts me to do so, I will not try and pretend it doesn’t. I need the work until I find a teaching position. I truly want to go back to Thailand I miss the kids, I even miss the walk to get food every week. There was a routine to the village and life was a bit simpler overall. Thailand isn’t in the cards right now without strings being pulled and I don’t have any of those. It may never be in the cards, I may have fucked that one up worse then I initially thought. I made a choice however and I own that. Just like I own my choice in tendering my resignation and I own that, doesn’t mean I am going to jump for joy about it though as it was not a good situation.

Either way the choice, gesture the attempt to shield and keep safe doesn’t matter anymore then a pile of dust bunnies. All it served to do was cause more upset, again. There are so many times that I ask myself why I keep getting things so wrong, why the gestures I make the things that I do to express my feelings are seen badly. I won’t lie that hurts, that hurts a lot. I honestly don’t know what too do anymore the target always seems to be moving and what I do never seems to be the choice that gets the right result, or shows the right feeling. Maybe I am just not able to do the right thing, maybe I am that screwed up thanks to a variety of things. I don’t really know anymore. In the end with no answers I can only go on what information I have in front of me so far. It seems my resignation was seen as a selfish thing so that I could have a gift for valentines day. Maybe that is not how it is at all, but I asked point blank about that and have yet to get an answer so what am I supposed to do with the information I have? I hate flipping it around and around and looking at it again and again but that is what I have and that is what I can do with it for the time being. I clearly suck at the whole boyfriend thing and am even worse at being a Dom. That is how it feels right now anyways. If I look even farther back to more distant battlefields with different armies that seems to be the story being told. The singular thing that two different relationships have in common is me, my lack of boyfriendy skills? My crappy Dom skills. Only common denominator is me. So I know what Sherlock Holmes would deduce from that.

Well at any rate it is probably wise to close this blog post out. I have already wandered on for far longer then I should have. Half or more probably makes no sense either. Emotional times and sleep deprivation will do that to you. Man I wish I wasn’t looking over a battlefield right now. I wish I didn’t have $50 in my pocket and no job, it was however my choice so right or wrong I made it. Not like anyone was holding a gun to my head. I just wanted to try and guard against there being even more carnage. Even more hurt. I just wanted to show myself through my actions I couldn’t stop where the situation but I could try to minimize things for others. I wish yesterday just would have gone the way I saw it going. Watching good shows with loved ones, laughing over random geekouts. The picture in my head was so nice. Everyone would have had a nice day, a nice night and would be gainfully employed and going on to the next days tasks without any feeling of heaviness from the night before. It wasn’t meant to be though it would seem. I wish I did not have to make the choice I did but I thought I was doing the right thing. I honestly thought once again that if I could do what needed to be done, things would end up better in the end. Maybe a part of it was selfish I guess. Knowing that a fair amount of guilt, self flagellation (extreme word I am aware but its the only one I have right now), self doubt and whatever else comes along with it would occur and would get worse if other things came to pass I honestly thought I was trying to minimalism it. Watching someone you love consistently go through the aforementioned cycle is painful. So maybe that was a selfish thing of me. I didn’t want to see that happen more. I just want there to be peace, happiness even joy. We all make mistakes in life and there is no harm in feeling bad when they happen, but when it turns into a cycle. I don’t know. I honestly have no idea what I am typing anymore and should just stop. I should also probably not hit publish but I will because it is honest. I made my choice and I don’t hold blame to others for the choice I made. Especially if it was a selfish choice, which I guess it was given what information I have to go with at the moment. I will live with my choice, I do not regret the emotion that lead me to it, I do not regret trying to protect someone I love. I regret that perhaps it was selfish because I did not want to see another round of the aforementioned. I shouldn’t be a selfish man, that is wrong and unfair of me. I just wish mulligans were a real thing. I wish the clock could be turned back and I never would have had to make that choice. We all would have had fun and watched some great shows and been able to get some restful sleep before a day of work, or a day off from work. That is what I really wish.


Posted by on January 31, 2017

Yeah that is me, still a drift the guy with no anchor. I am sure at some point I will sort myself out, I always do. I feel like a gigantic turd for leaning on A even a little bit considering she has now lost her sweet Cubby boy, but what can I do but lean on her hospitality at the moment?

My inheritance is invested in a house that I have not yet had a chance to do any proper work to and my savings are gone.There is my half in my sister and mines childhood home but she said it would feel wrong to buy me out. That Mom would want us to both have a share in it and she is right in that. Would be nice to say I had all kinds of money stashed away for a rainy day but that isn’t the case. Yes I have sold songs and thanks to that I can at least say I am debt free if nothing else. Schooling isn’t cheap these days and I was not about to take out student loans. And anyone who thinks that end of life care long term for someone who has dementia is cheap, is a real moron.

By the time Mom passed even paying as much as I could when I could, my sister helping and ashamed to admit A also having helped there was still over 500,000 in medical bills that needed payment. Think about that number for a minute, that is half a million dollars and that is after all the payments that were still being made. That right there is what is wrong with this country, or at least one of the things that is wrong with it. Yet assholes like Cheeto in chief want to take away the Affordable care act, which allows people like myself and others to have affordable health care. You would think as a vet I would be taken care of but nope that funding is even worse. Of course PTSD and other issues are pre existing in the eyes of most insurance so good luck chuck on that end. So yeah i live in a country where even after everything I did and everyone else did there was still a total payment due of 500,000 which they handed me oh about an hour after my Mom passed away. That of course didn’t include “storage” before the home picked her up, or anything else. Nice right?

My Mom had prepaid for her funeral and yet we still had a bill there too, because prices had gone up and there was no contract. Perhaps an oversight on my Moms part but seriously? How underhanded can you get? She prepaid for everything yet they still decided we owed them another 10,000 dollars in order to keep things exactly as she wanted. The only thing she had not prepaid for was a headstone, care to know what they charge for those these days? Yeah you really don’t.

Yet even with all of that I am still able to say right now that I am debt free. Should make me happy right? It does most days but when I am faced with the fact that even though I am debt free I am currently living off the kindness of relations it chafes. I don’t like to feel like I am taking advantage or being a burden. I have a teaching degree I should be out there using it right? Maybe I just suck and am a failure. No idea. I couldn’t even pay for the domain renewal on this blog. Forget a new theme or a new fountain pen to replace my ones that are now gone.

Sitting here in a place that has beautiful views, snow and would love to hit the slopes and go skiing for a while. That would be a great way to blow some steam off and just feel like a normal person for a little while. Can’t do that though, would have to ask for rental fees on top of the fact that it is not my dollar I was brought here on, or mine that put food in my stomach. Thus it would feel wrong to ask also for the fees to head out and hit the slopes. Let alone to get to stay here and not head back to the snow free zone. Not my money, not my say where it gets spent right? Would be shitty to add more stress onto someone who I can see is having trouble just managing to stay present. I get it I really do. First Pash Pash and then Cub cub both her familars, Cubby so much so that he was always called a barnacle. I get it. I won’t add even more then I already have to the burden.

Doesn’t keep me from feeling like a ship that is completely unmoored without land or a port as far as the eye can see. Thailand seems to be the only achievement I can really hold as something that I did really well. I wish I had just said yes when I had the chance to going back, might not make millions but I was doing good work. Helping children that was good work and I at least managed to feed myself and help the kids. Seems I am not destined to go back there however, since I didn’t say yes when given the chance.

My mistake and I Have to live with it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Days like this I really do understand why my Brother’s in arms have taken the path out of this world. This world is full of shit sometimes, yes there is good as well but you have to have the strength to get through the shit. Someday’s I really don’t think I have that kind of strength anymore.


Posted by on January 24, 2017

I hate feeling adrift I really do. I might be a bit of a Gypsy, I think that runs in the family but that feeling of being adrift and not belonging, I don’t like it. As much as I have been trying to ignore it lately it just keeps creeping up on me. Like an unwelcome door knocker reminding me that it is there with a persistent knock knock on the door. Honestly I don’t know what to do about it anymore either. I know ignoring the feeling wasn’t the right or healthy thing to do, but I also don’t know how to go about fixing it anymore.

I feel like no matter what I do, what I choose it is never good enough. I feel like a dog chasing my own tail on a fairly regular basis and that sucks. My therapist says most of this is probably stemming from a feeling of not feeling as if I know who I am anymore. That it is rooted there and he’s probably right because lately every time I look at myself in the mirror I see an epic failure and indeed I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to know who I was. I was a Son, a Brother, a supportive Cousin, a Marine, a Uncle A Teacher, A Dom maybe a boyfriend too? I don’t know that word has always been one that is odd to me I am a man not a boy. You know like some people don’t like the word moist? Anyways I digress.

Who am I now? Both of my parents are gone, my relationship with my sister is not as close as it used to be, I have leaned on my cousin to much and while I know that I can’t seem reign that in and stop, my tours of duty are over unless I enlist again, which isn’t really advisable especially with the new twit in the oval office. I can’t fathom that I live on a planet where Donald Trump is actually the commander in chief. I still manage pretty well with the little guy, but even in that the last few days I have not been able to keep up with him and I feel as if I let him down in that.

I can’t seem to make a choice on what to do about teaching. I really enjoyed the work I was doing in Thailand and I felt I did it well and maybe was even making a difference. The time zone though makes things difficult, I did my best with that but I am fairly sure I failed at that too and I am sure in trying to spin all the plates at once I failed the kids too somewhere. Self doubt blows, I liked myself better before I had it. I have been asked to go back to the village, back to the little house I built with my own two hands, the school house that I also built with my hands (also helped of course by the villagers), so the sound of the jungle as I went to sleep and a demanding paw that was the size of my head as it demanded part of my lunch. I am just not sure what that would do at this point with other things. My getting upset over a completely missed date night caused by perhaps the second biggest douche on the planet (purposely I have no doubt), caused issue and trigger enough in itself. So what happens if I go back to Thailand where the time difference is 14 hours (unless I am off there)? I have also been offered a job at two different schools in the UK where I did some of my student teaching work thanks to A. Again not bad choices, pay more then being in a third world country of course but I didn’t go into this for the money. There is of course again the time zone difference between the West Coast of the United States and the UK.

I have not had any job offers in the States, granted I have not applied for any either. Don’t get me wrong students in the United States need help and schooling as much as any other student. The problem in the US is that the school system and politics with it really ties teachers hands these days. Have you seen common core math? I can understand it does work better for some students, but a great many are just flat out confused by it. Then there is of course the fact that it seems these days if the student isn’t doing well the blame goes right on the teacher. The parents have a fit, the child needs a safe space whatever, and the school admin usually backs up the parents in that instead of standing behind the teacher. Again this is painting with a fairly broad brush and I know that it is not the case for every school and every teacher, but in general there is a massive problem with the education system in the US IMO.

As for a Dom..yeah right that just yeah. I am sure someone who is a better wordsmith then I am who could explain the feeling. Those who don’t understand D/s will never understand the desire and frankly the need to be a Dom. To me I feel like that part of me is a muscle. All muscles need to be worked out once in a while and when you don’t use a muscle that you are very used to using it can leave you feeling, off. That is probably not the right word but it is the only one I can come up with at the moment. My Dom muscle feels as if it as completely atrophied because being a Dom in the vanilla world is generally frowned upon and I respect boundaries and other peoples issues. Sometimes maybe to an extreme but I completely hate triggering people because I know what it feels like to be triggered. I get triggered a fair amount of time and just bite down on it. Still stinks.

So yes, there it is I feel like an Adrift failure lately. Cycle of life right? Suppose everyone feels it once in a while. There is a lot more making me feel adrift but the little guy is awake and I assured G and Al that they could sleep in I would take care of him.


Posted by on January 16, 2017

 

Well this may be the last Musical Monday Meme post that I do here, but it might not be either. After events that have occured in the last 36 or so hours, I am not really feeling like the blog is worth the bother. That could be a knee jerk reaction though, so since I still have two days before I have to pay for the domain again for another year, I am going to take the two days and do the pro con thing. Sure might seem like I have been wishy washy over it but I guess sometimes you should not make a choice hastily and put real thought into it, even if it seems like something fairly simple such as renewing a blog domain. Even the simple things have a ripple into other things. What was that movie which kind of went about that? The butterfly affect? Maybe I could be wrong. Anyways I promised A I would be doing her lovely Musical Monday and so I am keeping my word on that for as long as I can at any rate.

I have to say that Amby nailed the song for Monday and it feels like anything I pick will just be a second best kind of thing. Beyond that though man all the nostalgia that song brought back! It made me dig into the old CD stash and start listing to songs again, I forgot just how much I loved listing to Oasis. That seems a silly thing to forget since both A and myself spent a very good junk of teenage and young adult lives being a bit obsessive about the great British band. The concerts! The amusing times trying to get to the concerts! Her very cute obsession with Noel over Liam. I will say I like Liam and his voice is unique,  but it is hard to disagree with her statement that Noel was the backbone of Oasis. The man could play guitar, write killer lyrics and of course sing. Liam had the more unique voice by far but Noel’s is a little easier on the ears if that makes any sense at all, I know A gets it.

Of course digging into the CD’s means I am going to end up selecting my Musical Monday song from the same band, but not the same song even if its tempting damn you cousin ha ha. Other things that listening to these songs again has reminded me is just how differently people can look at the very same event or words. Music is the prime example of how that can happen. A song usually means something completely different to every person who hears it. Music is a magical thing and it makes people feel (when done right) but it is always interesting to me to see how two separate people can feel two very different emotions or feel the lyrics differently from the same song. I think that happens more in life then a lot of people think. Anyways I really should not write a novel for a musical post right? So maybe a novel later, I don’t know. I am feeling, well in general not very good physically and emotionally. So without any more pre-amble here is my Musical Monday Song:


Posted by on January 15, 2017

A weekly meme being hosted over at Birth of a Notion  it gives you a word, or a picture or a song anything that can be used as a writing prompt. I am glad that the meme is back (even if I end up not renewing my domain, which I am still on the fence about anyways) this weeks prompt is:

Grief

Boy oh boy this one hit a sore spot with me, I am no stranger to grief. I wish I was, I really do but I just am not. Grief is like a frenemy, always around and you just want it to go away. For me there are several different kinds of grief even.

 

I knew grief at a young age when my Father was killed. I am glad that I don’t remember a lot of the details that surrounded everything that happened. I know I could look up more information but I don’t want to pick at that wound. I do remember the feeling of loss. I do remember wanting to talk to Dad about things so many times as life went on, and remembering he wasn’t here to physically talk to anymore. Sometimes, every once in a rare while I still make that mistake of wanting to tell him something. More recently because of course now Mom is gone as well. Although the last several years had not been good, she was not lucid much I could still talk to her even if she didn’t really respond. Now that is gone too. Only the Grief remains.

I am man enough that losing my Mom was always going to crush me. It was never going to be an easy blow to take and I am still struggling with it to this day. I never expected it to be as bad as it really was. I think physically pulling out my heart and showing it to me while doing the flamenco on it, would have actually been less painful. I am not the kind of guy who walks around pointing and blaming other people for the load that I carry. We all have the loads we are supposed to carry in life and that is just how it is. I can’t help but wonder sometimes though if things were that much worse for me at the time my Mom died because I was already trapped in some pretty shitty grief.

When your Mom is sick and very clearly moving into the final phase of things and the woman you thought you would spend the rest of your life with tries to manipulate you and then unceremoniously dumps you, that is going to leave a mark. In my case it was Oliver Queen gets his ass almost dead by Ra’s a Ghul kinda mark. Yes there were drugs involved and an asshole, which goes towards frame of mind but from my side, from the side of grief doesn’t make it better. Makes it worse really. Folks in my family notoriously don’t do well with disloyalty. Were a family of Marine’s, we tend to live and die by Semper Fi, literally made into one of the family motto’s recently. Then you have one side of the family who’s name means Hawkeyed and has the motto Lamh Foistenach Abu, or The Steady Hand to Victory. While the other’s name means To Sing and I will have to research the motto but given some famous members of the surname it is no less important then the other ones. But I digress, bottom line is I was already a mess and then my Mom died.

I don’t remember a lot of time after she died. Clearly I am still here living and breathing, no thanks to myself I am sure. I am sure that thanks lays directly with my sister who was dealing with her own grief, my force of nature cousin and C. Thanks guys for keeping my often times lame ass breathing. It would be a large lie to say I wasn’t steal dealing with the grief of losing my Mom even a year on. Someday’s I am alright and I manage not to think about it to much. Otherday’s I feel like I have been thrown out of a plane without a parachute, or I am trapped under water and unable to break the surface as my lungs burn because I need air.

Grief sucks.

Watching others deal with Grief sometimes sucks harder then your own grief. When you know how that grief feels, how deep it can hurt and you are on the outside feeling helpless to truly do anything to help them. Because along with the pain you also know that sometimes there is just nothing at all that can soothe the grief. Sometimes you just have to work your way to the other side of the pain, where it hurts a little bit less and you can at least start to manage it.

I think Grief on all levels is maybe the worst thing that humans deal with emotionally. I am really not a fan and if I could chose to flip a switch and turn that emotion off. I would without even thinking about it. That might be a little extreme sounding but I am sick of dealing with Grief and Pain, I am sick of watching loved ones deal with it too.

I think for me, this picture sums up Grief to me. I know it seems silly because it is part of the art that belongs to a TV show but it really evokes emotion to me and I know I am not the only one.

 

“I’m only human and I crash and I break down.” even the best of us are going to break down under strain and grief sometimes.

 

I am sure my cousin will be the first one to say that the show I am using this pic from started out with this image:

 

I’ll fire back with this one and say yup look we have followed the entire course of hope, hurt and grief in the course of three images. Scary bit like the show did..but anyways.

 

Powerful imagery. I think that is a good place to leave this post. Grief sucks. I wish we could live in a world without it. I think many of us could use a little more joy in our lives. I think some of us could use a little less time holding the weight of the world on our shoulders. Maybe someday Grief will just be something people talk about as a foreign concept. Maybe but I doubt it.

 

 


Posted by on January 14, 2017

I have 4 days to ponder if I am going to keep this blog and from there to ponder if I am going to update the design. I probably should update it, not sure what look to go for at the moment though. Likewise if I do keep it I should probably do something more then I am with it. I mean look at A she has several blogs, they all look fab and have good content.

Speaking of A, this pre post was started to simply say. I plan on taking part in her weekly meme from Birth of a Notion when I can, that is Saturday Sanctuary. This weeks theme really speaks to me, as hard as it is to see her struggling with grief right now and feeling helpless to do anything to help, it really did speak to me. Grief and me are old frenemies. I know taking part in her meme’s can sometimes make her smile so there is also that bonus by taking part I will just have to do it a bit later.

I should really take part of Musical Monday too..before she kicks my ass about it. Looks like I might be leaning towards keeping ye old blog.


Posted by on December 26, 2016

It may be the 26th now, but this song goes out to my fellow service men who were away from their loved ones this Holiday season. There are a lot of things that make the Holiday’s hard for a great many people, but to me I will always feel it is those men and women who proudly protect our country who have it the hardest. That could be a biased POV but I am willing to embrace that.

Forgot how much I really loved this song until my cousin started strumming it on my guitar. The lyrics all came back as if they had never been gone in the first place. No matter what side of the fight you are on, we are all humans, we all have family and people who love and care about us.

So here’s hoping we all live to find another way.

Heavens not beyond the clouds its just beyond the fear.


Older postsNewer posts

 

Copyright © 2017 - All Rights Reserved // Legolas Devildog is Powered by WordPress with a theme designed and coded by Nique Creations