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Posted by on January 31, 2017

Yeah that is me, still a drift the guy with no anchor. I am sure at some point I will sort myself out, I always do. I feel like a gigantic turd for leaning on A even a little bit considering she has now lost her sweet Cubby boy, but what can I do but lean on her hospitality at the moment?

My inheritance is invested in a house that I have not yet had a chance to do any proper work to and my savings are gone.There is my half in my sister and mines childhood home but she said it would feel wrong to buy me out. That Mom would want us to both have a share in it and she is right in that. Would be nice to say I had all kinds of money stashed away for a rainy day but that isn’t the case. Yes I have sold songs and thanks to that I can at least say I am debt free if nothing else. Schooling isn’t cheap these days and I was not about to take out student loans. And anyone who thinks that end of life care long term for someone who has dementia is cheap, is a real moron.

By the time Mom passed even paying as much as I could when I could, my sister helping and ashamed to admit A also having helped there was still over 500,000 in medical bills that needed payment. Think about that number for a minute, that is half a million dollars and that is after all the payments that were still being made. That right there is what is wrong with this country, or at least one of the things that is wrong with it. Yet assholes like Cheeto in chief want to take away the Affordable care act, which allows people like myself and others to have affordable health care. You would think as a vet I would be taken care of but nope that funding is even worse. Of course PTSD and other issues are pre existing in the eyes of most insurance so good luck chuck on that end. So yeah i live in a country where even after everything I did and everyone else did there was still a total payment due of 500,000 which they handed me oh about an hour after my Mom passed away. That of course didn’t include “storage” before the home picked her up, or anything else. Nice right?

My Mom had prepaid for her funeral and yet we still had a bill there too, because prices had gone up and there was no contract. Perhaps an oversight on my Moms part but seriously? How underhanded can you get? She prepaid for everything yet they still decided we owed them another 10,000 dollars in order to keep things exactly as she wanted. The only thing she had not prepaid for was a headstone, care to know what they charge for those these days? Yeah you really don’t.

Yet even with all of that I am still able to say right now that I am debt free. Should make me happy right? It does most days but when I am faced with the fact that even though I am debt free I am currently living off the kindness of relations it chafes. I don’t like to feel like I am taking advantage or being a burden. I have a teaching degree I should be out there using it right? Maybe I just suck and am a failure. No idea. I couldn’t even pay for the domain renewal on this blog. Forget a new theme or a new fountain pen to replace my ones that are now gone.

Sitting here in a place that has beautiful views, snow and would love to hit the slopes and go skiing for a while. That would be a great way to blow some steam off and just feel like a normal person for a little while. Can’t do that though, would have to ask for rental fees on top of the fact that it is not my dollar I was brought here on, or mine that put food in my stomach. Thus it would feel wrong to ask also for the fees to head out and hit the slopes. Let alone to get to stay here and not head back to the snow free zone. Not my money, not my say where it gets spent right? Would be shitty to add more stress onto someone who I can see is having trouble just managing to stay present. I get it I really do. First Pash Pash and then Cub cub both her familars, Cubby so much so that he was always called a barnacle. I get it. I won’t add even more then I already have to the burden.

Doesn’t keep me from feeling like a ship that is completely unmoored without land or a port as far as the eye can see. Thailand seems to be the only achievement I can really hold as something that I did really well. I wish I had just said yes when I had the chance to going back, might not make millions but I was doing good work. Helping children that was good work and I at least managed to feed myself and help the kids. Seems I am not destined to go back there however, since I didn’t say yes when given the chance.

My mistake and I Have to live with it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Days like this I really do understand why my Brother’s in arms have taken the path out of this world. This world is full of shit sometimes, yes there is good as well but you have to have the strength to get through the shit. Someday’s I really don’t think I have that kind of strength anymore.

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