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Posted by on December 19, 2015

My favorite movie is also a Holiday tradition in our family. I am looking forward to watching it this year though we seem to be having a problem picking out when we will manage it. I am sure it will sort out. The tradition is we all watch it together as a family so we can enjoy the warm fuzzies. Granted I usually end up feeling like the poor guy who never said anything about Keira Knightly for most of the film while everyone else is snuggled up to loved ones but Que Sera sera.

2015 was supposed to be a very different year then it ended up being and frankly I can say this year is the most I have ever looked forward to seeing a year hit the rear view mirror and try to start a better year in 2016. 2015 was filled with just to many shitty things for me. One major good thing (because I was taught never to only look at the negative) was that I made some major break through moments in dealing with my PTSD. Is it poof all better? No because that is not how it works. I do however feel more like ME again so it is a start. I am communicating better on my feelings and not shoving them down in a bottle so much and best of all bring on the Hugs people! Now I still don’t like strangers getting into my personal space but family and loved ones. Bring it on. I think that is perhaps the thing I am most proud of for my break through moments because seeing the smiles on my Sister and Cousins faces when I randomly walk over and give gigantic bear hugs, I can see how much they missed that. So there is the 2015 good thing for me.

The bad however is why I am very much looking towards a new year. I hope 2016 has some better things on the horizon for me. Cause I am pretty sure the universe and karma balance owes me at least a couple good things in the year to come. The year of Our year was a big fat bust. There is of course the big fact that my Mother got very sick and then passed away. I am still dealing with that and I don’t think it is something that will be “okayish” for a while. Someday’s are very dark for me still and I just have to deal with it. My family has been there for me and I can’t thank them enough for it. But looking at that honest not bottling up things truth is, they aren’t the ones I wanted there for me. I don’t mean that I didn’t want them at all, of course I do my family and I love them, but there was a big fucking hole blown into the support system I wanted for when my Mom was sick and then when she passed.

That is of course due to the other big fat shit hole that is 2015. Being dumped by the woman you love is never a fun thing as anyone who has been dumped can attest to. Being dumped by the woman you love while your Mom is sick in the hospital and you are being blamed for a situation you didn’t cause and didn’t have the full information on takes it to a whole different level of suck. 2015 has had a lot of up’s and downs but I have to honestly say that moment was probably the bottom of the darkest pit. Then there was the great silence as I tend to refer to it and Mom died and one person I wanted to find some comfort and solace in even after being dumped..which was of course pretty stupid of me, couldn’t even be reached. Maybe that was a big fat flashing sign or a kick to the balls, I don’t really know.

So yeah, 2015 not a great year. I suppose this year will be the year dubbed A heart can be broken but it goes on beating just the same. One of my favorite lines from Fried Green Tomatoes. *note to self see if A would like to watch that again soon* So yeah, earlier mentioned Woman is back from the great silence, sort of. Things seem a bit off kilter and irregular I guess. Maybe that is just me. Get used to talking to someone nearly everday, having them their and then nothing followed by what seems like the ocassional chat guess it is supposed to be off kilter. Perhaps I need to let go better and not think of all the what would have beens and the million different pictures of the future that were drawn. Maybe it is time to work on fighting towards a new bunch of images for the future to pop up instead. Or maybe I am just a dummy. Or maybe my fate is to just be the guy who has his family for love and support. Maybe that is all I get. Can’t be greedy after all.

Well now didn’t I just go and Edgar Allan Poe dark all over that. Ah well thats 2015 for ya! I guess I better wrap this up. Bodyguard duty is coming up again now after the off time allowed me to work on some of my thoughts. This will probably be the last or nearly last post I make for the year. May throw up a congrats here or there, after all Strictly Final is today and I may need to congratulate the winners dork that I am. I am pretty sure the therapist (look at me not saying Migraine anymore) will want me to write down or type down a list of goals for 2016. Therapist believes more in goals then resolutions.

Cheerio pip pip!

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