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Posted by on July 8, 2014

I have had my fair share of life lessons. Kind of happens when your dealing with the struggle of PTSD. The last few weeks have been more trying then I would have thought they would be. Who says Summer is all about vacation and relaxation right? With the last couple of days and maybe today the most being truly eye opening.

 

I try to be a good and decent guy, maybe in the end I am just a needy dick. Yes I know I have a long road of PTSD recovery and I make progress as I can. Though it would appear every time I do, something sets it back. Then I go back to feeling like a needy jackass. Needing support from the ever patient, family or that someone else. Yes I know we should always feel like we have support as people but sometimes it seems like I need to much. Maybe I do, maybe I take to much and just need to get the fuck over it.

Or check into the hospital for a long term stay. Who knows, maybe I am just rambling. The migraine suggested I be better about writing/typing thoughts as they are occurring so I am working on it. Not an easy task for me since a lot of the times I do share what is on my mind at the time it ends up biting me squarely in the ass.

A helpful friend did give me an interesting couple of articles to read today so I will mull on those a bit.

He needs to know you support his endeavors.

He needs to feel appreciated.

He needs to feel attractive.
He needs to know you can count on him.

 

The attractive one isn’t that big of a deal to me doesn’t apply most days not because I am big headed but because I don’t really caere that much about myself in that sense. Last one is a big one though, very big one. Frankly it seems to me lately no one can count on me, or at least they don’t show me they can. Maybe they can’t maybe I am that crappy.

Yes I know those four things can go for women too I am not going to be little anyone elses needs, feelings any of that just using my blog space to talk about myself some.

I know I am a contradiction sometimes, I try not to be but hey it happens. As a song was sent out to me a bit back (still not sure how to take that one either) said I am only Human. I do my very best to be a supportive listener. Lately I have even tried to be better about sharing my thoughts and direct feelings as they happen as I was asked too. Seems to be shooting me in the foot as much as anything.

The big question I have had for myself today however is, why is it that every time I make a big positive step towards being closer, more intimate and on a better level with someone. Things suddenly get shot all to hell? It is almost as if as soon as I take some big step there is a happy joy high moment about it but then….theres a huge massive SHOVE away. Like there is a big underlying fear, that if I actually get better if I actually can be as I was (or close to) that there is more to lose? So rather than take that risk shove and push away? Probably not a conscious thing, who knows maybe it is just paranoid issues puttering around in my head. Or maybe I am onto something. Never can tell.

Looks like I am swinging up to another night of not having support from the person who always says they want to be my support. Really trying not to have any bitter feelings about it. I get it, hard day. I get it. Not that big of a caveman. That said, it still feels pretty shitty. Get asked to show they can support me and just seems when I really need it, won’t happen because of some other issue. I am not a cretin I get it power outages happen no ones fault, all that. Though upfront not having that issue and it being something elseyeah that one burns. I do still understand mostly. Doesn’t mean it feels good or I like it. At all.

Then again maybe that goes back to me being to needy. Maybe I shouldn’t need that person when I am in a bad place or having a shitty time. I always thought that was kind of the point of relationships, but hey maybe I am just fucked up about that too.

Maybe it really is just me.

 

Sorry for the typos and all that just wrote it out as it came as suggested by the migraine.

 

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