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Posted by on March 12, 2016

I am very clearly a glutton for punishment. Or maybe I am way to Semper Fi or maybe it is a combination of all of it. Hard to say, but I think the time has come for me to take a card from a character in my favorite movie, enough now.

Funny how in the last three weeks this pair of songs has been constantly popping up for me on playlists and out in public.

Big flashing neon signs maybe and couple that with the very honest and pointed conversation with my buddy. I should have gotten the hint a long time ago.

I am by no means a perfect person. I make mistakes. I fuck up and I totally understand life is a shit and then we die. Doesn’t mean we can’t try to make the shit a bit better right?

I have gone through several tours of duty. I have worked hard to claw myself back from very bad PTSD I am the Son of a man who as murdered and yet the last year of my life has been perhaps the worst.

While my Mother was in what would become the decline before her death I was rather spectacularly dumped by the woman I love. Blamed for things that were not my fault and that I did not know about and called a lot of names among other things. Mom died and the one person I wanted to be there for me wasn’t. There were many fights with my sister about my evening wanting her around because of the spectacular dumping. The fights are on me I understand my sisters POV but still couldn’t change my wish at the time.

It is still an epic daily struggle to deal with the grief and loss rather then just give in to it. I promised my Mom when she first got sick I would do my best and that is a promise I work hard to stick to. My Mom also left a list of things she wished me to do and I am trying to do them.

Funny that one of the last things she added to that list had to do with the woman I loved. I didn’t think Mom had been lucid enough to remember when I told her about the woman. The time she was still having lucid moments was some of my hard PTSD time and I told her about things to tell someone. I guess I never should have under estimated my Mom.

Well Mom, I am sorry I have tried. I have tried very hard but I don’t think this list item is going to be a complete task.

Not to long before Christmas, she came back into contact. Her life imploded, things happened it has been hard. I get that. I am not some evil person who doesn’t get that. Despite being made to feel like I am so mean demanding person lately. I had a lot of emotions flare up when she came back. Pain was a big one, the biggest probably. But I loved her. I felt for what she gone through even though so much of it was brought on by particular choices that were made. Shit happens. We all make bad choices and no matter how bad the choices are there are somethings that no one should have to deal with. Period.

I listened. I was supportive. I thought about killing a guy. I got in the car to do it. I decided that wouldn’t be the most helpful thing to do and someone else handled some of it. I have worked hard to not only forgive but heal. I have been open and honest. I have dealt with mixed messages, getting snapped at and other things. I have tried. I am not perfect by any means and I have had my hard times as well. So I have tried.

I have begged. I have encouraged. I have given space. Now I am just at a loss.

Friendship seemed to be something that we both wanted after all the fall out. It seemed like a place to start and try to salvage what was had. Wasn’t going to be easy right? But if it was something we both wanted it was doable right? I thought so. Despite everything that happened I wanted to try.

Despite everything that happened, she & her Daughter were still the first thing I thought of every morning and the last thing before I went to bed.

Despite a heavy school load for graduation this year, two full time jobs and helping out with the family kids. I still thought about her often, tried casual and sometimes not casual (trying to open up and share some vulnerable times) text’s. Researching ways to help her Daughter. Delving into a massive crochet project (like a twat) in hopes of helping with some issues.

My reward? Feeling like the pestering jackass and basically being told I am a High maintenance asshole.

The basic reply I have gotten to a lot of things lately is, “Things are really hectic right now.” I get that. See the whole school and two full time jobs thing. Here is the problem if someone really means something to do you, if a relationship is really important shouldn’t you make an effort once in a while to at least say hey how are you? Or make an effort to have a little contact that isn’t all about complaining while the other person listens and doesn’t get to share their bad stuff? Or without being told time and time again how hectic things are.

I took the time to write a hand written letter back after telling everyone else in my life who writes that way I was on break with that until June. Why? Because I thought it was a kind gesture. I thought it was what was wanted and I thought it would be a nice building block for friendship again.

Even that blew up in my face.

Today was the last thing I needed to see to make me really see what a complete fucking moron I am. I finally get it.

After another round of life is hectic right now and a short list of why I finally as politely as I could manage spoke up. Friendships like any relationships take work. Friendships that are being built from the tatters of things, take some work too. When you tell someone you want to be their friend, try to be there for them isn’t that what you do? Yeah again I am not perfect I SO aware of that and have worked hard to be super understanding. But when I as politely as I can put out there that I think even in hectic life sending a text once in a while that says Hey how are you isn’t that much to ask and get slapped down about it. I have to reevaluate it.

The response I got was that friendships should be easy. That there are best friends had who can go for months at a time without being spoken to and aren’t offended. That I am going to push her farther away and excuse me for having a hard time putting my life back together.

I never claimed a need for every single day messages. Never claimed putting back together things wasn’t hard. But clearly I was asking to much. Clearly I am some big pushy asshole for needing to be reached out to once in a while to try and grow and nurture a friendship. I guess being asked what I needed and wanted in the hand written letter was just habit? Matter of rote? I don’t know but I can’t keep feeling like the bad guy for what I need. I can’t feel like the bad guy for despite everything not wanting to give up but need something, anything small that says I value you. I value us in whatever form that comes in. I am having a tough time but I care about you too.

I think about you too.

Trying not to feel like I am groping around in the dark looking for a hand that will never be there.

I was completely shattered almost a year ago when dumped but holding the pieces carefully I tried.

But I can’t be the only one and I can’t keep chasing.

I guess friendship was not in the cards.

Yeah I have friends who I can go months without talking to and talk to them and things are fine too. Those aren’t really close friends. Those aren’t friends I share deep emotional truths with. I value you them for want they are but that isn’t the kind of friendship I thought we both wanted. I was wrong.

I didn’t think I was being High maintenance in what I said. I was wrong.

I didn’t think I was that bad of a guy, I was VERY wrong.

I hate my life most of the time. I try and be positive, I try and keep going and I try to better myself. I thought I was doing a decent job of that. I was wrong.

Not holding a grudge, guess things just are the way they are.

But enough now.

I am of course going to complete the blanket I started because I made the commitment to do it who knows maybe it will be tossed or I am being an even an even bigger fool then I already have been for finishing it. Don’t think I can or should trust my instincts on anything anymore. Anything at all.

This has been a big epic moronic bunch of prattle and probably a big moronic idea to not make it private but I haven’t said anything here I haven’t already said personally to her and writing and posting and then writing later again in the journal privately may help muddle through.

Think my instinct and desire to try and make a difference in kids lives was misguided too. I am a Marine. I am a solider. As I was reminded with a job offer, I was built for one thing and trying to do anything else is foolhardy and a pipe dream.

I will graduate because like the blanket I made a commitment but the General was right. Guys like me are only good for serving the country when asked too we will fail at everything else be it jobs or relationships.

Time I accept that and stop trying to be anything else. At least a broken Marine is still a Marine. Time to accept the facts and take the generals job offer. Will have to let the blog domain expire when it’s up again if I do, drop instagram (was kind of having fun with that one or at least getting into it.)

Some jobs require you to go dark.

Semper Fi.

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