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Posted by on January 1, 2018

Well so far 2018 for me looks just like 2017. I am going to hope it’s just some left over bullshit and maybe once we get a full day into the rotation things will look a little bit better. That is the optimistic way to look at it anyways. I am making an attempt. As my last posts here have said, fuck 2017. It has to be one of the worst on record and considering I served tours that is really saying something. It also went out on a collosally low note and one I am feeling a lot like an asshole for. It wasn’t my fault or doing, I know that and I won’t lay that on myself. I still feel like an asshole for it. Because I was used as a weapon against one of my loved ones, by a loved one. Yeah, that is never going to be a nice feeling, ever. Moreover, I was naieve enough to think I was doing something that would help with the issue and frankly it didn’t even scratch the surface. Time will tell if it was really a bad or good move. I was honestly trying to be a good guy when I did it. Trying to help calm tensions and make things easier for everyone involved. Turns out I really should have had the entire story but A had been told she shared to much or something along those lines I don’t know exactly and shut it down as to how much she said. Never a good thing, communication is key but I also can’t really blame her now that I do in fact have the full story.

I can say without a doubt one lesson that has firmly been driven home even though it was one I already firmly believed in. Don’t lend money to family and friends. Just don’t do it. It will cause nothing but grief and strife and ruin relationships and maybe even cause actual ulcers.

I know that might sound hypocritical on the surface, I have indeed borrowed from family. I hate that I did but I did. I have a firm payment plan though and once this one is paid off. To keep myself from being a hypocrite I think I will say I would rather be dead then borrow from family again. Not because I have been treated badly about it, I haven’t not even a little bit. I have the kindest most understanding family member ever. Its because of that kindness and understanding that I would rather die before borrowing again.

I have watched as she has tried to help people she loves with financial issues and I have watched the majority of them take advantage of that. I have watched her get beat up over it, attacked and quietly suffer for being a nice person. Like..WHAT?! Sadly its shit like this that makes me totally understand why there are not as many nice people in the world anymore. Being nice shouldn’t end up causing you pain and it shouldn’t be seen as a weakness. Being nice, being kind its something we all should do more of for fucks sake.

I have watched her be used as an ATM and then told awful things. I have seen what those things are doing to her. I have seen her try to be open about how she is feeling, run down and other things and have that used against her as well. So now as the new year starts I am watching her and I see that it looks like she is shutting down. The new year should be a place to start with hope and a fresh year. A whole new 365 days ahead of us where things can be different and better. She looks like someone who has given up and let me tell you that isn’t an easy thing to see or even picture.

2018 marks year FOUR of one of the loans she is carrying. I won’t go into the insanity that ensued over the FOUR years. All I will say is that it all started to go downhill when she made an offer of a family plan..and then bought a bag of cat food. Kind of been all over the place since then. Four years and little complaint. Four years of no interest, nothing concrete, hearing about other people being paid this or that and so on and just quietly trying to get at least what is being charged on a bill for the month so that at least the principal doesn’t grow further. Year three (2017) she added more to it without fuss to help and make sure homelessness didn’t happen again. Kind person right?

Yeah Four years a debt that wasn’t like anywhere even in the ballpark of 3grand ever I don’t know what the topline was she didn’t tell me, but I do know it wasn’t there…and there is still 875 left. I know that number because see the part where I decided to be a nice guy and take the debt thinking it would make life better an easier for everyone because I thought that was the big problem.

and I just feel flummoxed by yet another conversation that involved, “Well she could have asked” in regard to a late payment. I am sorry but as someone who is also repaying that bothers me. Clearly it is my way of thinking and maybe that’s a problem but well on this matter my way of thinking isn’t likely to change. To me the person who has been kind enough to make the loan has done their part. Keeping track of what is owed is a bonus kindness (though I personally keep a full roster of mine) and not charging interest is an even bigger kindness. So why is it then their responsibility to fish for information about why the payment they are owed is gonna be late? I mean…. I can’t even. Anyways there is a lot more but the bottom line is I feel if you are the one who was loaned the money, it’s your responsibility to pay it back in a timely manner and if a payment is going to be late you should give the explanation to the person who lent it. I am sorry but I just feel like they did their part why can’t you make it easier on them by doing your bit? Especially since lets face it anytime you lend money to a family or friend there is discomfort anyways.

So the long and short of it….don’t lend money to friends and family it just is never gonna work out well. At all. I could go on but I am just gonna leave it. Here is hoping that this is just some left over 2017 shit and it will be clarified off…

I need a nap maybe that’s the key.

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