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Posted by on March 29, 2018

This post is not likely to make much sense. I am completely exhausted, drained and exasperated, but figured typing right now was better then starting at a wall silently. And while she would never ever say don’t talk to me I simply will not dump more of my feelings on A right now. She knows where I am at emotionally because I know closing her out would only cause her more pain, but I just can’t look at my beautiful strong cousin, looking frailer then I have ever seen her after all shes done and dump more of the same on her right now. It doesn’t mean I am cutting her out. But who knows maybe it does. I am more confused then after after the events of the last day.

I know things that happened were not my fault. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like shit about the whole thing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I went to a movie and then I was honest about how I was feeling and then someone else was honest about how they were feeling and then the sky fell down on A’s head.

A who is terrified because some douche bag hit our car and has affected her pregancy. A who for once has not argued with a doctor when they have said you must stay in bed and you must stay calm. There was no debate. None. She never does that.

I am trying trying trying to wrap my head around the events that happened.  Just like I have tried and tried and tried to do everything I can to make things work in a relationship. Just like I am trying to figure out how I am supposed to whats causing problems or what isn’t or anything when it isn’t talked about. When I am not given a chance to say anything about something because I don’t know about it. I am trying to wrap my head around why the fuck am I bothering to deal with my issues and fight and struggle and work and improve. If it doesn’t really matter and I am going to be held continually to the person I was 8 years ago.

Sure at the core I am the same person because I believe I am who I should be. But the issues that I have been dealing with, the PTSD so much of that is different and has changed and it has taken so much hard work to get there. And I just, whats the damn point of it? I am trying trying trying to see the point and right now I don’t have it. Maybe I will when I am not drained and exhausted. Who knows. Things change I mean I sure didn’t see the day going the way it did. So who knows.

I mean I didn’t see taking a month to make sure my relationship was in a better place, and secure and there was a clear vision of what the future could and should be turning out like it has. Honestly it kind of feels like me taking that time only ended up making things worse. I am even more lost and unsure about what the relationship is now, then I was when the director offered me the job again in Thailand.

Thailand.

Just saying the word is starting to make me feel ill because it feels like issues always crop up when I am about to embark on something there. That feeling is on me but damn its hard to shake sometimes. I own the fact I made a choice to take the later date to Thailand. I thought it would be the right choice for my relationship. I thought it would be the choice that respected my relationship and allowed enough time to make sure things were clear. That yes there is going to be more space for the moment, but that isn’t how I see it remaining.

Something I have clearly said before. I have stated more then once I clearly see my relationship in Thailand.

But it feels like I am not getting credit for that. It feels like I am being penalized for accepting the position that I thought I was supported in again. I don’t say that’s the intent but that is how it starts to feel to me. I was open that I took the later date because I wanted to make sure things were good and solid and on the right page. That I didn’t feel all of that could be achieved in the three days I had to if I did not take the later date. I felt it was the adult thing and the right thing to show respect for the relationship. I had the choice so I made the one I thought was best for the couple not just myself. You don’t always get those choices when it comes to employment so I thought when I did it was important to show I cared and wanted to do the right thing for the relationship while also making sure I took the job I dreamed of doing again.

 

But it feels like things have just gotten worse and more convoluted since I made that choice and I don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t know what to do after the most recent events. I am trying to process it all but some of it is just so beyond me. and I am trying to respect being told time was needed again. Time. Always time. Wheres my time? I know that sounds petulant and childish, but sometimes I feel like I am always having to forgive, to get over, to give time and then when I have a moment, or a mistake or an upset or anything like that……its the end of the world and I can’t have time because I am shutting down. Or closing someone out or not sharing enough when all I need is a little time. Why can’t I have that time?

Who knows maybe it is a selfish prick thing to say.

Maybe I never should have said, I don’t want to talk about what the director said right now because I am  mad. I am tired of having something that is supposed to be fulfilling and a fantastic job, touched by negative things. I didn’t say fuck off I am not going to talk about it at all. I didn’t say I would never say a damn thing. I said not right now.

I didn’t get the time.

And it really seems like it doesn’t matter one way or another at this point what the director said because the entire day was a cluster fuck of shit. Wouldn’t have mattered if I was on a plane or not. It is a giant ball of fuck all shit.

So I don’t know it all just feels like it doesn’t matter and maybe it does maybe it doesn’t the feeling is what it is. The director was kind enough to tell me not to worry about choosing. That he understands how important family is and that it is most important right now that I stay with A until she is safely delivered of little Gio because that is what is best for me emotionally and that is best for my family. I greatly appreciated not only his understanding but his true kindness about it. He didn’t have to do that. I made a commitment and it was looking as if I could flake out on it again. I am grateful he did not see it that way and didn’t make me feel that way.  I am so so grateful for that. That kindness truly means so much. I can’t wait to get to that work but I am grateful for the chance to make sure I have done all I can do help my family even if my other attempts at doing that haven’t always turned out the way I had hoped. The start to this one hasn’t been great either but I am still very grateful for the kindness he showed.

 

I should probably shut up now.


Posted by on December 1, 2017

Have I mentioned Fuck 2017? Glad this suck of a fuck year is almost over and it can go sit on the shelf next to it’s fuck buddies. I was working on a different post then this, something with a little bit of sad and a little bit good, but popped that one on hold. Se la vie right? Watching A take another hard impossible even hit has been hard. Thor was another beloved. There was no reason he should have passed, A is sure it was a broken heart. I can’t argue with her on that. Then I go back to worrying that all of these hits are taking their toll on her and maybe her own heart is going to be broken beyond repair and no one will be able to do anything about it. It is not a comforting idea.

Then everything else just. Honestly I don’t even know beyond fuck 2017. The last two days have been stressful and they shouldn’t have been. It happens, life isn’t perfect I get that. When you add in a hefty toss of the same old same old, it gets heard to try to see where anything good is going to end up happening. I am trying. Every day I try to see the light, to remind myself that when you put in the work, stay positive, know your path that you can make it through anything. Its hard to remind yourself of that sometimes, especially when you still feel as if there is a gaping wound and a lot of ground to travel.

So when for two days you don’t hear from someone and then when you finally do its just get get tossed into some crazy ass drama shit it kind of makes you wanna go. What the fuck am I doing this for? Two days of worry, wondering, reaching out on multiple platforms. If it was just me I would probably do what I always do and suck it up buttercup because that seems to be the only way for things to bump along in any semi normal fashion. It isn’t just me though. Again I am watching someone who’s heart is a million pieces because of losses this year and in recent years. Someone who probably has more hurts then myself because anytime there has been any sort of rekindling, shes just expected to be fine and she leaves it at that so not to rock the boat for me. Worry, pace and panic. Day one was mostly just well shit happens schedules must be off, but surely the scheduled girls night won’t go sideways.

Day two, scheduled girls night goes sideways. Massively.

Its not that I have a lack of sympathy for what shes going through with the moronic clearly not stable I do, I really do and I would have liked the chance to express such, but I also have sympathy for the other crap that happens. Two days of worry, trying to establish contact the cops even called for a welfare check because A truly believed there was a possibility the clearly unstable dude might have done something. All of that explained. All of the worry, the panic all of the multiple ways of trying to get in touch, failed or not. The only response….. “I hadn’t heard from you guys.”

There were emails, phone calls, text messages from multiple people and devices, emails, yahoo messenger and Facebook messenger. Finally a last resort welfare check call to the police. I am sure I can understand how A feels getting a response of, I hadn’t heard from you guys after all of that.

From there as far as I know the majority of the conversation centered around all the drama that the clearly unstable roommate was causing. A hasn’t shared all of it with me its what she does she holds it in because she feels she is never allowed to need help, to have problems and all of that. Something we all work on helping with, trying to make her feel safer…but its a process and we have made it unsafe for a very long time over it.

For my own part I can’t say much, because I was not given much. Just a comment about being homless soon that has been said hundreds of times before when this sort of crap is going on. I guess my response wasn’t warm and fuzzy enough. I own the fact that it wasn’t the worlds most supportive comment, I will own the fact that my mood was sour after two long days of what had been on. I won’t say it was the worst comment ever however, because while maybe blunt it was true. Simple statement of that song and drama dance has been done before. It has and I felt in my current mood and given the current situation throwing myself into the land of being super up in arms about it was a bad idea. I was trying to be cool, level headed let cooler heads prevail as they say.

For all the good it did me. I was told I wouldn’t be bothered with it then. Not what I said. Not what I have ever said except for maybe twice in my life and it wasn’t as if I had been “bothered” with much more then that comment.

That’s pretty much the extent of what I got for the day, an I’m sorry and nothing else quite sometime later as I pointed out a true fact.

Two days..of worry and multiple contacts and not one single I am sorry you guys were so worried or, you guys are so sweet to worry but I am ok, or even hey thanks for giving enough of a shit to go above and beyond even if my only response back was, I hadn’t heard from you guys.

Yes that last comment was said heated, because I am a human and also not perfect. No one expects perfection and mistakes happen. Duh. I like to think I am a pretty forgiving person and I know damn well A is forgiving to a fault, far more then she probably even should be because it often does damage to her. I will also own the fact that it was heated, typed with “tone” (my fathers cock hows that for tone! Thanks A anytime I say, type or think the word tone thats what comes to mind now and always likely will) but again hi I am a human and I have issues too and I am pretty fucked up and I would just like life to stop feeling like a crappy ride at the park.

Its like anytime I get my head around shit and start to slowly stick it up out of the foxhole some dick over in the other trench tries to shoot it off.

Anyways apologies to cyberland for putting another negative very badly or non edited review out there.

Back into my foxhole I go, I will try to get that positive post finished one of these days..maybe not until 2018 though.


Posted by on October 6, 2017

The title pretty much sums up my feelings on this year. Oh sure every year we go into the new year hopeful and thoughtful and then the shit grinds us down. This year has been yet another grinding trying one and frankly I am ready to just say FUCK IT.

I have lost count how many times I have been told to “leave me alone”.

Hell I can’t even pick an actual anniversary date because there has been so much goodbye turkey. Oh no I am sorry I lied, cheated, broke your heart and made a mistake. Pretty much the routine of my life. Why should this year be any different.

I really am the stupidest man on the whole damn planet to think that anything will ever be different. I am beyond moronic to plan a few months ahead for the holidays let alone for life. Truly I end up feeling like the biggest buffoon every time I think about anything.

This time I have been dumped because she couldn’t sew…..and because I didn’t leave her alone long enough. Yeah. I am trying to get my head around that one too. I can sew so I could help, I have despite the utter ream of bullshit that just happened still offered too because its never a child’s fault. But really?

Yeah Fuck 2017.

I don’t know why I am posting this, maybe because I don’t want to bend a fountain pen and keys are more forgiving to start with. Maybe to remind myself just what a shit ass year it has been when I start to waver again. Maybe I don’t know and I am just a moron all the way around.

See I always thought that when you were in a relationship you worked as a team. That no matter how hard things got that you supported each other and that you found ways to compromise. Am I wrong? I mean did I miss the memo on relationships and suddenly that isn’t what they are about anymore? Hell maybe that is why nothing has ever worked out for me. I am missing the memo. Maybe someone can clue me in eventually.

Isn’t it funny that whenever you’re the one being emotionally torn apart with a variety of digs and stabs that the final bit is always something along the lines of it’s not you it’s me? Your not the failure I am. Your love was never in doubt it’s me and all those variations. I have never understood that. Yes I am guilty of having used it a time or two myself, but I still say I never understood it. Like if that is true then WHY? Why am I the one fighting FOR a relationship while I am being kicked in the emotional dick?

I probably never will understand it.

I feel like a broken record yet again…so I guess I will end with something I was hoping to share over the weekend. Something my therapist had asked me to do as a way to try and explain how being locked in combat brain can feel like. Given the latest explosion and that at the end of it there was a, “Can you just leave me alone for a few days. It might have been okay if you had just left me alone.” this weekend will likely be another lonely affair with beer and maybe a wank, if I can even bother which I probably wont. So beer it is.

An alarm clock chimes across a pitch-black room. I slowly rise. Standing in my bathroom, I brush my teeth and shave away yesterday’s stubble – part of every Marine’s mandatory morning routine. The person in the mirror seems somehow unfamiliar. Downstairs, the morning pot of coffee brews. I finally begin to wake. Leaving home, the roads are lined with beautiful farmland, backlit by a rising sun. Morning dew glinting off the fields gives way to a kaleidoscope of neon signs as I reach town. Pulling into the parking lot, I take a deep breath and step out of my truck.

Our Marine morning routine consists of running on dirt pathways along a beautiful flowing river. Our footsteps echo off pine trees. Three miles later it ends with sore feet and tired lungs. Staring into the shower’s flowing water, I dread this time of day the most. Drying myself off I dress in my camouflage utilities. Only recently do I feel as though I cannot live up to the Marine Corps insignia I wear over my heart. Being a United States Marine means showing no weakness, no pain, especially to your subordinates. As I button my shirt my facade takes shape, and I am off to fake the day.


Posted by on June 24, 2017

Title says it all, I am probably the worlds worst cousin, friends and everything else. I keep giving A my word about things and then I end up being a liar. Especially the last two days, shes got such a terrible fever I am worried, everyone really is and yet I break my word once more.

All A wanted was a day where she was allowed to be sick, didn’t have to fix any issues, or deal with anything added to her plate. Watch some TV and accept the fact she was sick. This isn’t something she does often if ever. Try getting her to take a day off. I gave her my word that would happen.

Yet it feels like her birthday all over again for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I will never win. That thought alone hurts so much because I always thought if I fought hard enough for love, showed someone I loved them enough it would be alright. Doesn’t seem to be the case for me. Of course it could simply be that my love is not strong enough or true enough or I am not up to the task enough. Since it seems I am unable to give her what she wants as I am reminded of again.

I have kept a print out of these two memes with me at all times for a very long time. Since the day after we met. As a reminder to myself. Risk is worth it sometimes and love is a deeply complex thing.

These three were given to me by my Sister one day. I keep them close too. Despite her own personal feelings on situations she wants me to be happy. She truly wants that for me and says everyday that she hopes she is wrong with how she feels on things. That has always meant a lot to me.

My therapist has even suggested I find meme’s for those times when I do not know how to express myself. I have a very hard time expressing feelings. It is a flaw I think, but it is one I work often to fix. Sure I can get feelings out metaphorically through song but regular words are much harder for me. I really do try even if it never seems to be enough. I even thought that I made some decent progress with that issue when I was open and truthful that I was emotionally drained, and just feeling hurt. Even allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to say that a recent situation had indeed made me feel gun shy. The reward I got for that was, to find out that my use of he word Risk was apparently such a horrible thing that it caused another complete meltdown not 12 hours after being told I was loved and I was wanted in every way and that she didn’t want to lose me. I suppose I will end up kicking myself for whatever time I have left on this planet for being so callous. I was then also informed that I am gun shy about everything.

Ouch.

I guess I am being an overly sensitive old woman about it, but so be it what else do I have to lose anyways? I have already lost everything anyways. I am sure somewhere I will get word about sharing meme’s being wrong and whatever, I have had that before too, but again I have already lost it all there is nothing else to lose.

Nothing else to fight for.

Nothing else to live for.

I am sorry to those who have been hurt. I am sorry that my mission and passion and desire to revel in the love of a woman I love more then myself has brought drama and pain to her and anyone else. I am sorry my desperate need to know that I could be more then a broken solider took me over. I am sorry my desperate want to reach out and touch the very real dream I had of my wife and our children (yes I am including the one she already has which is not mine by blood) seems to be the delusions of a broken man.

If I keep my word on nothing else, which it seems I can’t. Then let it be this. When all is said and done there is only one more thing I could do that will bring darkness to your life. I am sorry for that but it will pass. I know it will and then there will be no more darkness in your life, but sunshine.

I love you.


Posted by on May 4, 2017

Most anyone who reads this blog already knows what has transpired over the last two days. A I am so sorry that again your Birthday ended up as collateral damage.

Title says it all. Still processing and frankly I don’t think there is enough time to actually process it all. Feels like I’ve been hung, drawn and quartered. So that is all I got at the moment. Time to take self inventory again it seems.


 

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