Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner



Powered by Calendar Labs


 
Posted by on June 24, 2017

Title says it all, I am probably the worlds worst cousin, friends and everything else. I keep giving A my word about things and then I end up being a liar. Especially the last two days, shes got such a terrible fever I am worried, everyone really is and yet I break my word once more.

All A wanted was a day where she was allowed to be sick, didn’t have to fix any issues, or deal with anything added to her plate. Watch some TV and accept the fact she was sick. This isn’t something she does often if ever. Try getting her to take a day off. I gave her my word that would happen.

Yet it feels like her birthday all over again for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I will never win. That thought alone hurts so much because I always thought if I fought hard enough for love, showed someone I loved them enough it would be alright. Doesn’t seem to be the case for me. Of course it could simply be that my love is not strong enough or true enough or I am not up to the task enough. Since it seems I am unable to give her what she wants as I am reminded of again.

I have kept a print out of these two memes with me at all times for a very long time. Since the day after we met. As a reminder to myself. Risk is worth it sometimes and love is a deeply complex thing.

These three were given to me by my Sister one day. I keep them close too. Despite her own personal feelings on situations she wants me to be happy. She truly wants that for me and says everyday that she hopes she is wrong with how she feels on things. That has always meant a lot to me.

My therapist has even suggested I find meme’s for those times when I do not know how to express myself. I have a very hard time expressing feelings. It is a flaw I think, but it is one I work often to fix. Sure I can get feelings out metaphorically through song but regular words are much harder for me. I really do try even if it never seems to be enough. I even thought that I made some decent progress with that issue when I was open and truthful that I was emotionally drained, and just feeling hurt. Even allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to say that a recent situation had indeed made me feel gun shy. The reward I got for that was, to find out that my use of he word Risk was apparently such a horrible thing that it caused another complete meltdown not 12 hours after being told I was loved and I was wanted in every way and that she didn’t want to lose me. I suppose I will end up kicking myself for whatever time I have left on this planet for being so callous. I was then also informed that I am gun shy about everything.

Ouch.

I guess I am being an overly sensitive old woman about it, but so be it what else do I have to lose anyways? I have already lost everything anyways. I am sure somewhere I will get word about sharing meme’s being wrong and whatever, I have had that before too, but again I have already lost it all there is nothing else to lose.

Nothing else to fight for.

Nothing else to live for.

I am sorry to those who have been hurt. I am sorry that my mission and passion and desire to revel in the love of a woman I love more then myself has brought drama and pain to her and anyone else. I am sorry my desperate need to know that I could be more then a broken solider took me over. I am sorry my desperate want to reach out and touch the very real dream I had of my wife and our children (yes I am including the one she already has which is not mine by blood) seems to be the delusions of a broken man.

If I keep my word on nothing else, which it seems I can’t. Then let it be this. When all is said and done there is only one more thing I could do that will bring darkness to your life. I am sorry for that but it will pass. I know it will and then there will be no more darkness in your life, but sunshine.

I love you.


Posted by on May 4, 2017

Most anyone who reads this blog already knows what has transpired over the last two days. A I am so sorry that again your Birthday ended up as collateral damage.

Title says it all. Still processing and frankly I don’t think there is enough time to actually process it all. Feels like I’ve been hung, drawn and quartered. So that is all I got at the moment. Time to take self inventory again it seems.


 

Copyright © 2017 - All Rights Reserved // Legolas Devildog is Powered by WordPress with a theme designed and coded by Nique Creations