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Posted by on April 27, 2017

Give or take because of time zones it has been 15 days since the last time I had to talk about lines in the sand and being pushed to far. 15 days. That is all and it is not an exaggeration or me being an asshole. I looked because I was curious because the response to my thought about wondering WTF seemed like that meant it would be the last time. That yes indeed the message was clear, if things continue as they have been even soulmates can’t take a beating forever.

15 days.

There have been moments of course during those 15 days where if I could smile (wired shut jaw) I would have. Moments where I actually felt things could be shifting for the better, working as a team. The way that a relationship should. Those are the moments I tend to live for, the moments that remind me why I have chosen to forgive and try to make things work. Simple things really, something as simple as working together to pick a Birthday gift for someone. Such a simple little thing and yet, something that meant a great deal to me.

I wish those moments formed the bulk of the last 15 days unfortunately they don’t. The last 15 days have been full of more bickering, back biting, general flakiness and getting to feel in general again like a gigantic boob who never does anything right then I will ever commit to paper or electronic paper. I won’t say some of it hasn’t been my problem, I have had the flu, I am exhausted and I am stressed because my bills are not being met and the job I really want to be doing is not my job. I can’t even make myself useful and start working on the property I was going to rebuild by hand because I can’t buy the supplies. So I accept where I have been at fault but I don’t feel those moments deserve half of what comes flying back at me.

15 days that was all it took for me to go from trying to hold onto that one bit of hope that maybe I wouldn’t have to draw that line. To standing on the brink of an yawning abyss and I have no idea what to do about it anymore. Been no proper date night in whatever. Schedule changes then changes back, things get set up and then don’t work out. Can’t even ask hey how did the geek day go because there isn’t a chance too. Presently I get to sit in a limbo cycle of the current shit storm going on, her falling asleep during the conversation, then waking up and going from there. It is really really hard to be stuck in that sort of cycle for an extended period of time. Suppose this is what purgatory feels like. Fuck if I know anymore. At this point I should stop typing, I just feel like an unmanned asshole who’s been fighting to hold onto something desperately while being told not to fairly frequently.

Not even going to bother going into the constant need to prove how I feel. To prove myself. Seems that all boiled down again to two words.

15 days.

I really need to stop buying any form of jewelry. Rings, Collars, necklaces..bracelets. I really need to stop..seems to always end up being a bad omen instead of a good one.

15 days…..


Posted by on April 26, 2017

I was planning on posting a WIP Wens today but I remembered that the current WIP I am working on is top secret so I can’t do that, and I kind of lost the motivation to do it anyways. Shit happens right? I used to think I was a pretty decent guy. I don’t want to be one of those people who stands there and goes I am the shit, I am a catch bla bla bla. These days though, I am always asking myself if I even deserve to be sucking up o2 on this planet. Ah well what can you do right? Shit happens.

It really just makes you question every damn thing you have ever done in your life and relationship when you are being told on a fairly constant basis “You should just dump me.” or some variant. To keep hearing that on a fairly consistent basis among all the other issues, really makes you ask yourself, do I suck that much as showing that I love you? Are my sacrifices and fighting for the relationship really that insignificant? I don’t know anymore and at this point I am talking out of my ass because I am beyond exhausted on every level. That said though I need to get back on the resume train so maybe I will be able to use my degree on some level somewhere sometime.

There are a lot of days lately that I ask myself why I didn’t just stay in the jungle. At least the threats you face in the jungle are pretty straight forward, snakes are gonna bite ya if you don’t heed their warning. Tiger may eat you for lunch if you aren’t present. That sorta thing.

On the plus side, McCoy seems to think I am pretty cool today.


Posted by on April 11, 2017

Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly things can go from nice and happy to what feels like a shit storm. It is of course in those moments when I am feeling that amazement and confusion that I end up asking myself where do you draw a line? When do you toss your hands up and think that maybe life is flipping you off? Oh I am sure lovely A would say I am being melancholy but we are all allowed sometimes eh?

Maybe it’s the meds, maybe its having my jaw wired shut still or maybe as I was accused of earlier I am in a mood. Love is a powerful force there is no doubt about that and I will never be one to say it isn’t. I firmly believe it is one of the strongest forces in the world. But sometimes it just can’t fix everything. I wish I could. I used to think it could, but I suppose as I have gone through life and been ground down with it I have become slightly jaded.

That is what life does to you I suppose, grinds you down. I do my best not to let it, but I am tired. I have given blood, sweat and tears to a country that doesn’t care enough about it’s people to see the harm being inflicted upon it now. A country that is slowly pulling itself apart at the seams. A country that doesn’t always treat those who put their lives on the line for it very well.

I am tired. A son who lost his Father far to early in a traumatic fashion and a Son who slowly watched his Mother become someone she would have hated. Who didn’t know him in the end at all and yet there he was. I would do it again, she was my Mother and she deserved more then what life gave her. I hope they are together again happy my parents wherever they may be.

I am tired a Brother who’s sister is seemingly always at odds with him now. We used to be so close. She and I and A were often called the three musketeers growing up. I was Porthos the fun one of course. She was Athos cause she could be so bloomin’ bossy and A was always Aramis for reasons that would not become clear until later in life. Scamper A’s dog was D’artagnan because why not. We aren’t the Three Musketeers anymore at least it feels as if we aren’t. Perhaps we shall be again someday. I surely hope so, but for now things are as they are I hate the strain but there are not many things I can do about it at this point.

I am tired of getting whiplash. I consider myself a fair man, a man who can go with things as they change and try to be good about it. But maybe I am not. For as often as I am told I am one thing or another, or that I am not doing something good enough maybe I really am not as flexible or fair as I think I am. Maybe I am really just a piece of shit on toast as I was told once among other things. I have tried so hard to bend over backwards and show how hard I am willing to fight for the woman I love. It just feels like it is never enough, I am never enough. No matter what I do.

Forgive perhaps the worst betrayal I have ever felt in my life and the continued lie that happened for sometime after it.

Literally lock away part of myself because of the issues someone else caused and I was now helping to deal with and clean up the issue and damage. I want to be clear that I don’t have anything against doing that, when you love someone you want to help lift them up and to help them feel better, to be their best self. I won’t pretend that it is easy to do when the cause of so many problems is a drug using, dealing, pimp ass fuckhead that you were left for. It would be wrong to lie about that. Hard or not, love is worth the effort but I am tired.

Things change and suddenly that part is wanted again and yet when I let it out of the box even a little bit. Problems. Problems and more problems. I don’t know what to do with that anymore. Honestly. I just I sit here and stare off into space going what do I honestly do. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t in this situation. I am so tired feeling like that. I just want to know what direction to go in order to get to the place I thought we both wanted to be. Life isn’t perfect, don’t I know it and people aren’t perfect I wouldn’t want them to be, but why do I have to be so tired all the time?

It feels like anytime I get a little bit of traction in the right direction it isn’t long before something comes along and shoves me back again. Whether it is a few steps or a mile. It sucks and I am so tired so so tired.

It seems that turning down working further with a wonderful group of kids to try and preserve forward momentum within a relationship didn’t do any good. That choice was on me, I made that choice and I don’t blame anyone but myself for it. I just wish that my choice had paid forward a little more then it has. If things keep going like this when I am in the same time zone and then only 8 or 9 hours difference what happens when that is 14 or 15 hours? Not that it will be that door seems to be closed and locked. I don’t regret choosing love but I do regret not going back to that work I loved too because the results haven’t been anymore positive then if I had gone. The issues and the comments and whatever else that goes with it which I was hoping would on a whole be avoided by not taking that position back up…are there anyways. Again I am well aware that life and people aren’t perfect, but 4 days after such a happy nice message seems a little to soon to me to be feeling like the shit of the planet again. The small blurp of being accused of not having faith was surprising enough, this latest go round I just I don’t know anymore. I am just so tired. So damn tired.

That tired is literal too. Beside having a crap load of medications on board, which I HATE by the way I have been trying to get up by 3am local time everyday so we have some time together. I don’t always manage it, even though I set a total of 6 alarms. While I can’t do my full security work like I want to be A has taken enough pity on me to at least give me some work so I can at least make my car and insurance payments and not feel like a complete and total loser. I help with the kids and help sort correspondence and a variety of other small things. I feel a little useful at least. But between the early hour up, the medications and running around after the kids and such. I am damn physically tired. I guess that effort to get up was misguided as well. Good to know I guess since evenings aren’t convenient or whatever.

I was taught that relationships were supposed to be team work. That relationships of true love were supposed to be full of compromise and tackling the mountains and things life throws at you together. Relationships are work, no doubt but your supposed to be working together towards the same thing right?

Today it doesn’t feel like I am in the same chapter with the woman I love let alone the same page and that makes me tired too.

Throw on top of that a guy who is naturally a Dom trying to deal with the times, days, and main shots are being called by one party that isn’t the Dom and you end up with me. A tired, exhausted mess.

I really probably should not be hitting publish on this because it is just as messy as I am and I am a huge mess right now. But I wont be a hypocrite. I told Amby she needs to start publishing the things that she types out and then deletes. That she needs to allow people to see how she is feeling.

TO NOT GO BACK TO CONCEAL DON’T FEEL.

So it would be wrong of me to tell her that and then delete my own mess of thoughts. This is me a confused, messy human being. Who is very tired.


Posted by on April 1, 2017

Since I have some time on my hands I decided to watch a bit of Victoria the PBS/ITV period drama. I have loved every minute of it so far that I have watched, I mean seriously anyone who has seen it for even 5 minutes knows why. I was particularly for whatever reason excited about seeing how the love story of Victoria & Albert went. After all everyone knows they were one of the rarities in royal marriages, a true love match. They were passionate for one another as evidenced by the 9 children had pretty close together and of course her mourning. After her dear Albert died Queen Victoria never came out of mourning. I would have to check my facts but if I recall correctly she wore nothing but black for the rest of her life (and inspired the famous common black dresses ect we think of when we think of the Victorian age I believe), she also withdrew for the most part from public life.

For me this scene is the moment that she truly fell in love with Albert even if she wouldn’t admit it. I mean the man cut open his shirt to keep her flowers against his heart. That is an intense passion right there. I feel fore Lord M in this scene he loves the Queen no doubt about that it is as clear as her affection for him. He handles the whole situation with perfect grace and dignity though. He knew he wouldn’t be able to marry Victoria it just wouldn’t happen and despite her also clear affection for him she knew he had to let her go. The wince when she gives his flowers to Albert is heart breaking, but still what a class act. The way this scene is filmed and the way the Waltz is played out, artistic beauty. I am a sucker for a good love story especially when being told is a stunning and artistic way. The whole show makes me want to go out and get a good pair of hessian boots, maybe even with red tops.

Alright enough of my sappy prattle eh?


Posted by on March 28, 2017

Goodie goodie gum drops. The worst happened and old injury had flared up. To clean out the abscess to keep it from going into a full bone infection had to break my jaw in two spots and wire it back up. Good times right?

Went under having two different kinds of panic attacks so that was GREAT fun. Really. No seriously I don’t recommend being put under anesthesia why you are having not one but two panic attacks, it makes for a pretty miserable “night night” time.

I like Milkshakes but I already know the novelty is going to wear off very quickly. Last time it took about a week but oh I was younger then. Now I am just sighing and thinking about chewing gum or eating a big juicy steak. Yeah that one put in my head *face palm*.

I don’t get to work for a while either which is kind of something that ticks me off. I guess the bright side is I can catch up on my writing? Maybe even a few movies? Trying to find the silver lining. It isn’t easy because I am seriously NOT seeing one. Maybe the medication? Yeah I hate the feeling that happens when you have serious meds on board so not so much there either.

Ah well tomorrow I might get to try apple sauce. Yum yum. I think even the babies are laughing at me right now.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

We all hate the dentist. I especially hate the dentist. Like serious full blown anxiety attack at the idea of even going. So imagine my joy at getting to go twice in less then a week. FUN right?! NOT! Add to the massive panic of trying not once, not twice not even three but half a dozen times to shove my massive trigger with the phone issues down the trash to talk to the one person I wanted to before having to deal with this stupid trip again and I am feeling like a million bucks. You betcha.

The stupid ass phone issues are my own and no one to blame but myself for that. I won’t go off on that tangent though it’s for a day where I don’t want to put my head through a plate glass window.

Hope she’s alright at least despite my aborted shit attempts at phone dialing I did text. That I can do. 99% of the time.

So rather then starting to get better with all the medications to avoid another trip, of course the stupid crap has decided to get worse. I did a very poor attempt at trying to hide that yesterday. I did not want to ruin Mother’s day around here. While I succeeded at not ruining that big fail at actually hiding it busted. Yeah so part of it was so I didn’t have to go in. Sue me.

Sadly as much as I am in full fledged panic attack mode being medically knowledgeable I also know what can and will happen if I don’t have it looked at. That is not any more pretty then going. Going septic is BAD. Seriously don’t do it, never let it get to that blood poisoning is no joke.

Anyways I am looking down the barrel of heading in in less then an hour. Who knew they were so prompt and EARLY in this part of the world. Should have known, tea drinkers so friendly and helpful. There are a few ways this can go the extreme end being I am going to end up going under and having my jaw wired shut. Yeah I did that once before. I take good care of my teeth but a combo of genetics and an old injury causes problems and here comes one. Having my jaw wired shut last time really was not what I would call fun. In any fashion. I got SO sick of milk shakes and I like milk shakes.

So still wondering if there is time to stick my head through the window. Really does seem like the better choice in the middle of this full blown panic frigging attack. Fun times. Really fun fun times.

But hey the theme is still cool. So there is that.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

So preface, I have a nice big fat abscess that is not only in a tooth but my jaw. Old injury helped that along yay for that right? So I am on some heavy duty pain killers, which I hate. Among other medications that in general make me seem like a toddler who got into the beer on accident. So I try NOT to drunk or medicated type. Really I do.

BUT CHECK OUT THESE NEW THEME?!!!!!! SERIOUSLY ISN’T IT LIKE THE BEST AND MOST NERDY AND OMG EVER?! I KNOW RIGHT?

So first off HUGE HUGE HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE shout out to A the best cousin and best friend a dude could ever ask for because she sprung for this. Asked me a few questions and BAM look at this EPIC THEME!!!!! Also massive shout out to her trusty designer Monique. I don’t know you personally Monique but, massive thumbs up to you thank you so much for the second awesome theme. This is like Wow. Seriously even not on medication mind blown awesome. I will be the envy of my few non family member readers. SO yeah alright there total nerdgasam going on there. Totally love the new theme and I am extra happy to have that annoying line of code gone. I am either going to have to ask a favor to get the rest of my little bits and bobs changed over or try and do it myself when I am not as Deadpool said orbiting Saturn. A feeling I am really not a fan of. At all.

This week has really been an up and down week to be sure. The terror attack in London a very terrible thing compounded by family attachments and worries. Shit hitting the fan where it really didn’t need to always fun. I really really hate feeling like a chew toy. The aforementioned shit fuck of a bad infection in my face causing more pain then I really want to talk about right now. So on and so forth. Alright so that makes it look like the week is a shit fest and yeah really has been. Upside, got to see some solid friends come through in a pinch when they really had bigger things on their plate. Handed out a little bit of advice that seemed to help? So I will go with those two as the brighter spots so it doesn’t look like a total complainer moment.

Here comes one of the reasons I should not type when my brain filter is not fully functioning. There are things that I do not like in life, I am usually pretty forth coming about these things because that is how I am. Just kind of had it drilled into me at an early age be honest about stuff, right on to the things you don’t really like. Sure I always try to be not a complete douche bag about these things because that is judgemental and jackass about shit but honesty.

What I really dislike though is when I am made to feel like my dislike of a certain thing is a good reason to not talk to me more openly about it. Yeah those few readers are going, WTF man vague book much? Others are going to be nodding along so there you go.

I guess I am having trouble at the moment wrapping my head around how can a meaningful long term relationship be built after everything. If after everything that has happened there can’t even be some simple communication about, hey I keep falling asleep at random times on you because I have been smoking weed for XYZ reason. I mean, really seems to be open and honest communication is better then letting someone think you have a major medical problem. Or that you just don’t really want to talk to them or whatever other random shit can run through someones mind when they don’t feel well or are having issues of their own as well.

Yes. Anyone who knows me for longer then a day or two knows that I am not huge on the recreational drug use. I am even less enthused in using it as a self medication for other issues. You can blame a lot of that on a fair amount of medical knowledge. However, I try not to be judgemental we all have things we need to do in order to make it from point A to point B in the day. It is legal in some states now for recreational, so not like any laws are being broken. I like to think I don’t hammer on about things or act like a judgemental jackass who launches into lectures about this stuff. Maybe I do though and no one has pointed it out, I guess I should take a survey or something because I suppose if I am a jackass who lectures I could wrap my head around the reasoning a bit more. Or at least find a bit more ground with it. Hell if that even makes sense. See the preface on why I should not be posting anything right now.

I don’t know I am just starting to see a familiar pattern crop up and while I am trying not to be that dude that “lives in the past”, patterns are patterns for a reason and this one makes me twitchy. Very twitchy.

That said, time to shut up and stop typing before I commit something to the internet I will regret. I try not to do that in general.

So I will end on another hopefully good note. Still in love with this new theme. Oh and hey anyone see the new Power rangers yet? I know its all Beauty and the beast right now but hey Rita Repulsa got an upgrade. Complete with a very Lady Loki feel am I right?


Posted by on February 13, 2017

Ah blog oh blog how I think I probably should have just let you expire and then journaled. Alas my stupid ass didn’t speak up and good efficient cousin A took care of your renewal, still need to pay that back, should pin a post it to my head as it may be a while.

I started working odd jobs at the age of 11 or so. This was of course just your typical kid jobs, mowing lawns, helping with groceries or moving and such, shoveling walk ways. I got my first proper job at 15 and have pretty much been steadily employed in one form or another. Retail, military, librarian, security just to name a few. Fairly sure I just set a world record for employed to unemployed, it is a record for me anyways. I would have to do some digging to find the exact time frame but less then two weeks I believe. That was all it took for me to resign. It was a choice and I own the fact that I made that choice but that doesn’t make me any less disappointed in myself or the situation.

I don’t like to be unemployed. It makes me feel like I am a failure and that I could not be a proper provider. I know that the notion is a little bit old fashioned and I certainly am not the kind of guy who is going to say that a woman can’t be the provider. Hell I would be a stay at home Dad if things worked out that way, spend all day with the kid and possibly jam on the guitar? Win win as far as I am concerned. But right now, at this point in my life I hate it. I want to pay my own way and not have to rely on handouts from others. I think that is a perfectly normal thing for most people, I know it is among my circle of people anyways.

Given the situation and the choices that were there to make, I feel I made the correct call but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. That sting feels heightened because again it would seem I got it wrong and thus was essentially made to feel as if I set out to hurt someone. Which is couldn’t possibly be further from the truth at all. I made my choice out of love and care. It isn’t the first time I have made a sacrifice choice and been slapped down for doing so. I don’t know maybe that should tell me that I am indeed a giant idiot and should stop doing those sorts of things, but I can’t help who I am. I can’t help that the very core of my being wants to protect and shield those I care about from anything that I possibly can, even themselves sometimes if it has to be. I did not plan to chose to resign, I didn’t think there would be a point where I would have to do so and I certainly didn’t think it would be in such a short period of time. I can honestly say I am still a bit shell shocked by that part of it. Thus I have been awake all night it is nearly 10 am now and just trying to process everything that happened.

I can’t help but feel like the man who goes back to the battlefield the day after and looks at the carnage that is there. Wondering how the tide could have changed as it did and how it all came to this place. A little dramatic perhaps but that is how it feels right now. Yesterday was not supposed to be a carnage battle. Yesterday was supposed to be like a may day celebration, fun and enjoyable. Spent an enjoyable day with the sprats, little man helped me with something and he was VERY excited about getting to help me with which of course was infectious. Managed to get a little bit of sleep in and everything seemed to be going just fine.

A sliced her foot open on some glass that I didn’t get cleaned up well enough. I felt like a gigantic tool for that, but no serious damage and she didn’t let it bother her to much which was a relief. Not because A wouldn’t have been right to be angry about it but because I wish only healing on her right now and even the stress of a slice to the foot is more then should be laid on her plate. I fixed up her foot and we called it good to go no need to worry about it. I annoyed her some with my stupid babble of excitement for when the kids would go to bed but bless her she took it well enough I know it was just that eye roll cousin annoyance.

And then somehow it all went epicly sideways. I mean worse then Deadpool sideways. So there begins the place where I am looking at the battlefield going, what happened? Everything was fine. What went so wrong that it would end up this way? Why couldn’t the day just have remained good. I needed a good day for a variety of reasons and I am sure I am not the only one. I guess it wasn’t to be so here I stand looking over the field shaking my head and nattering on in my blog. Probably sounding like a right prat too.

There is a point in any situation whether you understand how it came to be or not however, where you can see that something is going to have to happen. That point in a situation where you have to make a choice. That choice will always vary by situation of course and I saw that moment fairly quickly. So to try and shield, help whatever you want to call it two people I very much care about I tendered my resignation. Yes it hurts me to do so, I will not try and pretend it doesn’t. I need the work until I find a teaching position. I truly want to go back to Thailand I miss the kids, I even miss the walk to get food every week. There was a routine to the village and life was a bit simpler overall. Thailand isn’t in the cards right now without strings being pulled and I don’t have any of those. It may never be in the cards, I may have fucked that one up worse then I initially thought. I made a choice however and I own that. Just like I own my choice in tendering my resignation and I own that, doesn’t mean I am going to jump for joy about it though as it was not a good situation.

Either way the choice, gesture the attempt to shield and keep safe doesn’t matter anymore then a pile of dust bunnies. All it served to do was cause more upset, again. There are so many times that I ask myself why I keep getting things so wrong, why the gestures I make the things that I do to express my feelings are seen badly. I won’t lie that hurts, that hurts a lot. I honestly don’t know what too do anymore the target always seems to be moving and what I do never seems to be the choice that gets the right result, or shows the right feeling. Maybe I am just not able to do the right thing, maybe I am that screwed up thanks to a variety of things. I don’t really know anymore. In the end with no answers I can only go on what information I have in front of me so far. It seems my resignation was seen as a selfish thing so that I could have a gift for valentines day. Maybe that is not how it is at all, but I asked point blank about that and have yet to get an answer so what am I supposed to do with the information I have? I hate flipping it around and around and looking at it again and again but that is what I have and that is what I can do with it for the time being. I clearly suck at the whole boyfriend thing and am even worse at being a Dom. That is how it feels right now anyways. If I look even farther back to more distant battlefields with different armies that seems to be the story being told. The singular thing that two different relationships have in common is me, my lack of boyfriendy skills? My crappy Dom skills. Only common denominator is me. So I know what Sherlock Holmes would deduce from that.

Well at any rate it is probably wise to close this blog post out. I have already wandered on for far longer then I should have. Half or more probably makes no sense either. Emotional times and sleep deprivation will do that to you. Man I wish I wasn’t looking over a battlefield right now. I wish I didn’t have $50 in my pocket and no job, it was however my choice so right or wrong I made it. Not like anyone was holding a gun to my head. I just wanted to try and guard against there being even more carnage. Even more hurt. I just wanted to show myself through my actions I couldn’t stop where the situation but I could try to minimize things for others. I wish yesterday just would have gone the way I saw it going. Watching good shows with loved ones, laughing over random geekouts. The picture in my head was so nice. Everyone would have had a nice day, a nice night and would be gainfully employed and going on to the next days tasks without any feeling of heaviness from the night before. It wasn’t meant to be though it would seem. I wish I did not have to make the choice I did but I thought I was doing the right thing. I honestly thought once again that if I could do what needed to be done, things would end up better in the end. Maybe a part of it was selfish I guess. Knowing that a fair amount of guilt, self flagellation (extreme word I am aware but its the only one I have right now), self doubt and whatever else comes along with it would occur and would get worse if other things came to pass I honestly thought I was trying to minimalism it. Watching someone you love consistently go through the aforementioned cycle is painful. So maybe that was a selfish thing of me. I didn’t want to see that happen more. I just want there to be peace, happiness even joy. We all make mistakes in life and there is no harm in feeling bad when they happen, but when it turns into a cycle. I don’t know. I honestly have no idea what I am typing anymore and should just stop. I should also probably not hit publish but I will because it is honest. I made my choice and I don’t hold blame to others for the choice I made. Especially if it was a selfish choice, which I guess it was given what information I have to go with at the moment. I will live with my choice, I do not regret the emotion that lead me to it, I do not regret trying to protect someone I love. I regret that perhaps it was selfish because I did not want to see another round of the aforementioned. I shouldn’t be a selfish man, that is wrong and unfair of me. I just wish mulligans were a real thing. I wish the clock could be turned back and I never would have had to make that choice. We all would have had fun and watched some great shows and been able to get some restful sleep before a day of work, or a day off from work. That is what I really wish.


Posted by on January 31, 2017

Yeah that is me, still a drift the guy with no anchor. I am sure at some point I will sort myself out, I always do. I feel like a gigantic turd for leaning on A even a little bit considering she has now lost her sweet Cubby boy, but what can I do but lean on her hospitality at the moment?

My inheritance is invested in a house that I have not yet had a chance to do any proper work to and my savings are gone.There is my half in my sister and mines childhood home but she said it would feel wrong to buy me out. That Mom would want us to both have a share in it and she is right in that. Would be nice to say I had all kinds of money stashed away for a rainy day but that isn’t the case. Yes I have sold songs and thanks to that I can at least say I am debt free if nothing else. Schooling isn’t cheap these days and I was not about to take out student loans. And anyone who thinks that end of life care long term for someone who has dementia is cheap, is a real moron.

By the time Mom passed even paying as much as I could when I could, my sister helping and ashamed to admit A also having helped there was still over 500,000 in medical bills that needed payment. Think about that number for a minute, that is half a million dollars and that is after all the payments that were still being made. That right there is what is wrong with this country, or at least one of the things that is wrong with it. Yet assholes like Cheeto in chief want to take away the Affordable care act, which allows people like myself and others to have affordable health care. You would think as a vet I would be taken care of but nope that funding is even worse. Of course PTSD and other issues are pre existing in the eyes of most insurance so good luck chuck on that end. So yeah i live in a country where even after everything I did and everyone else did there was still a total payment due of 500,000 which they handed me oh about an hour after my Mom passed away. That of course didn’t include “storage” before the home picked her up, or anything else. Nice right?

My Mom had prepaid for her funeral and yet we still had a bill there too, because prices had gone up and there was no contract. Perhaps an oversight on my Moms part but seriously? How underhanded can you get? She prepaid for everything yet they still decided we owed them another 10,000 dollars in order to keep things exactly as she wanted. The only thing she had not prepaid for was a headstone, care to know what they charge for those these days? Yeah you really don’t.

Yet even with all of that I am still able to say right now that I am debt free. Should make me happy right? It does most days but when I am faced with the fact that even though I am debt free I am currently living off the kindness of relations it chafes. I don’t like to feel like I am taking advantage or being a burden. I have a teaching degree I should be out there using it right? Maybe I just suck and am a failure. No idea. I couldn’t even pay for the domain renewal on this blog. Forget a new theme or a new fountain pen to replace my ones that are now gone.

Sitting here in a place that has beautiful views, snow and would love to hit the slopes and go skiing for a while. That would be a great way to blow some steam off and just feel like a normal person for a little while. Can’t do that though, would have to ask for rental fees on top of the fact that it is not my dollar I was brought here on, or mine that put food in my stomach. Thus it would feel wrong to ask also for the fees to head out and hit the slopes. Let alone to get to stay here and not head back to the snow free zone. Not my money, not my say where it gets spent right? Would be shitty to add more stress onto someone who I can see is having trouble just managing to stay present. I get it I really do. First Pash Pash and then Cub cub both her familars, Cubby so much so that he was always called a barnacle. I get it. I won’t add even more then I already have to the burden.

Doesn’t keep me from feeling like a ship that is completely unmoored without land or a port as far as the eye can see. Thailand seems to be the only achievement I can really hold as something that I did really well. I wish I had just said yes when I had the chance to going back, might not make millions but I was doing good work. Helping children that was good work and I at least managed to feed myself and help the kids. Seems I am not destined to go back there however, since I didn’t say yes when given the chance.

My mistake and I Have to live with it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Days like this I really do understand why my Brother’s in arms have taken the path out of this world. This world is full of shit sometimes, yes there is good as well but you have to have the strength to get through the shit. Someday’s I really don’t think I have that kind of strength anymore.


Posted by on January 24, 2017

I hate feeling adrift I really do. I might be a bit of a Gypsy, I think that runs in the family but that feeling of being adrift and not belonging, I don’t like it. As much as I have been trying to ignore it lately it just keeps creeping up on me. Like an unwelcome door knocker reminding me that it is there with a persistent knock knock on the door. Honestly I don’t know what to do about it anymore either. I know ignoring the feeling wasn’t the right or healthy thing to do, but I also don’t know how to go about fixing it anymore.

I feel like no matter what I do, what I choose it is never good enough. I feel like a dog chasing my own tail on a fairly regular basis and that sucks. My therapist says most of this is probably stemming from a feeling of not feeling as if I know who I am anymore. That it is rooted there and he’s probably right because lately every time I look at myself in the mirror I see an epic failure and indeed I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to know who I was. I was a Son, a Brother, a supportive Cousin, a Marine, a Uncle A Teacher, A Dom maybe a boyfriend too? I don’t know that word has always been one that is odd to me I am a man not a boy. You know like some people don’t like the word moist? Anyways I digress.

Who am I now? Both of my parents are gone, my relationship with my sister is not as close as it used to be, I have leaned on my cousin to much and while I know that I can’t seem reign that in and stop, my tours of duty are over unless I enlist again, which isn’t really advisable especially with the new twit in the oval office. I can’t fathom that I live on a planet where Donald Trump is actually the commander in chief. I still manage pretty well with the little guy, but even in that the last few days I have not been able to keep up with him and I feel as if I let him down in that.

I can’t seem to make a choice on what to do about teaching. I really enjoyed the work I was doing in Thailand and I felt I did it well and maybe was even making a difference. The time zone though makes things difficult, I did my best with that but I am fairly sure I failed at that too and I am sure in trying to spin all the plates at once I failed the kids too somewhere. Self doubt blows, I liked myself better before I had it. I have been asked to go back to the village, back to the little house I built with my own two hands, the school house that I also built with my hands (also helped of course by the villagers), so the sound of the jungle as I went to sleep and a demanding paw that was the size of my head as it demanded part of my lunch. I am just not sure what that would do at this point with other things. My getting upset over a completely missed date night caused by perhaps the second biggest douche on the planet (purposely I have no doubt), caused issue and trigger enough in itself. So what happens if I go back to Thailand where the time difference is 14 hours (unless I am off there)? I have also been offered a job at two different schools in the UK where I did some of my student teaching work thanks to A. Again not bad choices, pay more then being in a third world country of course but I didn’t go into this for the money. There is of course again the time zone difference between the West Coast of the United States and the UK.

I have not had any job offers in the States, granted I have not applied for any either. Don’t get me wrong students in the United States need help and schooling as much as any other student. The problem in the US is that the school system and politics with it really ties teachers hands these days. Have you seen common core math? I can understand it does work better for some students, but a great many are just flat out confused by it. Then there is of course the fact that it seems these days if the student isn’t doing well the blame goes right on the teacher. The parents have a fit, the child needs a safe space whatever, and the school admin usually backs up the parents in that instead of standing behind the teacher. Again this is painting with a fairly broad brush and I know that it is not the case for every school and every teacher, but in general there is a massive problem with the education system in the US IMO.

As for a Dom..yeah right that just yeah. I am sure someone who is a better wordsmith then I am who could explain the feeling. Those who don’t understand D/s will never understand the desire and frankly the need to be a Dom. To me I feel like that part of me is a muscle. All muscles need to be worked out once in a while and when you don’t use a muscle that you are very used to using it can leave you feeling, off. That is probably not the right word but it is the only one I can come up with at the moment. My Dom muscle feels as if it as completely atrophied because being a Dom in the vanilla world is generally frowned upon and I respect boundaries and other peoples issues. Sometimes maybe to an extreme but I completely hate triggering people because I know what it feels like to be triggered. I get triggered a fair amount of time and just bite down on it. Still stinks.

So yes, there it is I feel like an Adrift failure lately. Cycle of life right? Suppose everyone feels it once in a while. There is a lot more making me feel adrift but the little guy is awake and I assured G and Al that they could sleep in I would take care of him.


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