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Posted by on July 31, 2017

Believe them the first time. That is the old nugget, the old quote. The one I always say is to cynical. Maybe I should be more of a cynic. Well whether I should or shouldn’t is still up for debate, but I stumbled upon this article at what seems like a scarily interesting time to stumble on it.

It was written by Ari Easterman SOURCE, to show it isn’t me or anything. Its a curious read though. Tough one too but curious.

There’s a saying my mom frequently used (a variation of the famous Maya Angelou quote) that I think I finally understand.

“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I guess I never do believe them the first time. I always think there’s some hidden meaning, that something else that will reveal itself in time. It’s the, “I’m going to hurt you.” Or, “You deserve better than me.”

“You’re so amazing, but I’m just messed up right now.”

I hear the words. And I ignore them. Like some kid who just keeps sticking her hand in the flame, knowing she gets burned each time. I keep coming back. I keep doing it, thinking this time it’ll be fine. I keep forgetting what happens when you touch fire.

It hurts.

Maybe it’s being raised with a psychology professor for a father and this weird, innate desire I have to apply bandaids to any bleeding hearts I come across. “I like the damaged ones,” I always joke when friends caution me against my latest romantic interaction. And then I remind them we’re all damaged anyways. It’s a nasty word, damage. We all think we’re so damaged and broken. But really, it’s just a symptom of living long enough. We just prove how human we are.

I’ve dated, or at the very least lusted, after them all: the ones with addictions, depression, anxiety, the lost ones, the ones who need validation and love. It’s not that I think I can fix anyone. I know I’m riddled with my own set of issues. Perhaps it’s easier to focus on someone else. I enjoy taking care of people. I’m a whole lot better at it than taking care of myself.

I’d pour my energy into them. Because his depression isn’t as scary as mine. Mine feels ugly, whereas his? His makes me want to hold him. His makes me want to touch him and love him and tell him it will all be okay. I don’t like that I’m attracted to this. It’s not healthy, and I know that. I know all of this.

Believe someone the first time. Listen to what they are saying, as much as you want it to mean something else. We want it to be something else.

But here is the brutal truth, the one I forget too often.

When someone tells you that you deserve better, they are telling you to move on because they don’t care enough to be better. They will not put in the effort or energy they KNOW you deserve. I want to say it has nothing to do with you, because it is not your fault, but they will find someone who they deem important enough to BE better for. That person is not you and I’m sorry, that is shitty and horrible and I want to hug you because I’ve been there. They know you deserve better. But they are not going to be better. Listen.

When someone tells you they will hurt you, they will hurt you. I don’t think they are malicious or evil. They aren’t planning some massive destruction to your life and just sitting back, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But they know themselves. We all do, whether we readily admit it. They are going to hurt you. They know it. And maybe down deep, you know it too. And when it happens they will say, “I told you. I told you this would happen.”

When someone tells you they are too messed up, they are warning you. It’s not that anyone has too much damage or too many issues. But this is an excuse. This is something ready to pull out and say, “I told you, I’m messed up.” This is blame and letting go of responsibility. This is the warranty they can point to and say, look. Sorry.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. I’m trying to.


Posted by on July 30, 2017

This is how I feel as of late, round and round it goes where it stops nobody knows. I know my blog has turned into a bit of a boohoo sad little boy who is all butt hurt lately but it is what it is. As Amby is fond of saying it’s my space I can do what I want with it right?

Despite being told not overly long ago (hours) that current things aren’t part of a cycle, I could beg to differ and give so many examples I could fill a book. It would be petty of me to do it, its probably petty of me to even be typing about it now, but since I have little else in the way of semi safe expression lately there it is.

The cycle generally goes something like this

* A choice is made
* I comment, maybe not my favorite choice but not a huge deal over all.
* Asked a general question.
* Answer
* Have to answer again after statement.
* Long statement of why the choice is what it i, and so on and so forth.
* Long disagreement/argument/ect ensues.
* Realization of jackassary comes and there is a basic apology.
* Time that follows is sporadic and sparse some reasons valid, some not.
* Communication seems to be sporadic as well.
* Statement of illness and depression
* Snark ensues (do not claim to not be part of that at times I am human)
* Feelings of never ending cycle heap onto fresh wounds and feeling unresolved plops on top.
* Wash rinse repeat.

I don’t know what to do anymore about it. I have said I can’t keep going around and around. I feel like a jackass for even making this post. I am not a man who does not understand flaws, issues, emotions and depression. I understand them fairly well but I am also a human with feelings of my own as well.

I always thought the point of a relationship was to support one another even in the bad times. To work as a team, to share the load as evenly as possible. I don’t know maybe I am just naive and idealistic. Lately I think I should just dedicate myself to not being in a relationship and be a lone wolf. Might be lonely but at least I could only blame myself for any choices or feelings and at least I would know what I was thinking, I understand myself most days.

Just so exhausted so tired of feeling like I am damned if i do damned if I don’t. Like answering a question will end up with me getting my head snapped off but not answering gets me the same thing. Bla bla bla I know I have written all of this before and I am sure anyone who reads it will just say deal with it or man up or whichever. Maybe I should. I am so tied in knots anymore I don’t know.

I do know I am tired of going in circles. I do know I am tired of not feeling supported. I do know I am tired of seeing others in my life suffer because of my choices heaped on top of other things going on. I know many of those things are things I can’t help, but makes me feel guilty when I could have helped things.

So another babbly post. Is what it is.


Posted by on July 11, 2017

This moment hit particular today while watching it with family. Francis is a character that I honestly really just did not like the first season. That was of course the entire point, your supposed to dislike him and feel Ross is the hero. This scene though made the viewer soften and maybe even fall in love with Francis, which of course it was supposed to do. If season one was about hating him for taking Ross’s girl and being a brat, Season 2 has been about him redeeming himself and becoming a better man to his family. I won’t spoiler of course for those who don’t know what is to come, but this was a touching moment and it came at the perfect time.

Demelza needed to hear it and it was good of Francis to say it and more over mean it, he was not always kind to Demelza after all.

Meanwhile..Ross is making a pigs ear of it. Least he saved the fork to the face with good reflexes…


Posted by on July 11, 2017

What do you do when all efforts fail? What do you do when despite some pretty fantastically nasty bullshit whatever you do, try to do or try to forgive it just isn’t enough? I am not asking this to be ironic, I honestly have no idea and I am taking suggestions because the one thing that springs into my head is not a great idea and not helpful at all.

I have been lied too, cheated on, dumped, abused, cheated on, lied too wash rinse repeat. A smarter man would have walked away and yet I didn’t. Despite having a million different pieces of evidence that told me this was a bad relationship and looking very one sided I wasn’t willing to throw it all away.

More fool me.

A pound of weed as the solution for rent issues should have set off more alarms then it did. Obviously it is not something I agree with but I can understand the desperation there. I can understand how even something illegal looks like a better choice if a person just hands you a pound of weed to sell. Still given the recent history, I should have taken the alarm bell for what it was.

Still I tried to offer the benefit of the doubt. She said she wouldn’t be smoking it other then the amount she “tested”. Yeah more fool me AGAIN.

Weird ass behavior and the same shady shit that left me feeling like I did something wrong has settled in over me once again the last few days. I don’t like it, but the behavior and wording and all the rest is exactly what it was while I was being cheated on and lied too and all the rest. Again.

Still. I tried.

Tried to take some hope from a little spiel about wanting to show me that she can make time for me. That got shot down really quickly with the rest of the conversation that followed.

Not even 24 hours without using weed with it in the house but apparently I am the one who needs to keep giving chances. Yeah I don’t think so. I have done my part.

I continued to be as open as I could about it. I have in fact for the last two days stated I can’t keep doing this cycle of crap. My point is, ” understood “.

The end result is a conversation that just seemed like a face plant and a door slamming and locking shut. I called out sabotaging, was told there wasn’t sabotaging. Pointed out where it seemed like there was and was not disagreed with. Moreover, when I pointed out I could not handle being dismantled again and again and bouncing back from it and I was told no one would be expected to.

That’s it I guess.

Seems pretty damn anti climatic after everything, but seems fairly cut and dry to me right? That was all around 2 hours or so ago anyways so.

What do you do when it’s all failed? When you have tried everything you can think of and still end up holding a broken heart?

Yeah I don’t have a clue I’ll make sure to let anyone know if I sort that out. The heart dies a slow and painful death that is for sure.

I think going and becoming a hermit seems like a good choice right now.


Posted by on April 27, 2017

Give or take because of time zones it has been 15 days since the last time I had to talk about lines in the sand and being pushed to far. 15 days. That is all and it is not an exaggeration or me being an asshole. I looked because I was curious because the response to my thought about wondering WTF seemed like that meant it would be the last time. That yes indeed the message was clear, if things continue as they have been even soulmates can’t take a beating forever.

15 days.

There have been moments of course during those 15 days where if I could smile (wired shut jaw) I would have. Moments where I actually felt things could be shifting for the better, working as a team. The way that a relationship should. Those are the moments I tend to live for, the moments that remind me why I have chosen to forgive and try to make things work. Simple things really, something as simple as working together to pick a Birthday gift for someone. Such a simple little thing and yet, something that meant a great deal to me.

I wish those moments formed the bulk of the last 15 days unfortunately they don’t. The last 15 days have been full of more bickering, back biting, general flakiness and getting to feel in general again like a gigantic boob who never does anything right then I will ever commit to paper or electronic paper. I won’t say some of it hasn’t been my problem, I have had the flu, I am exhausted and I am stressed because my bills are not being met and the job I really want to be doing is not my job. I can’t even make myself useful and start working on the property I was going to rebuild by hand because I can’t buy the supplies. So I accept where I have been at fault but I don’t feel those moments deserve half of what comes flying back at me.

15 days that was all it took for me to go from trying to hold onto that one bit of hope that maybe I wouldn’t have to draw that line. To standing on the brink of an yawning abyss and I have no idea what to do about it anymore. Been no proper date night in whatever. Schedule changes then changes back, things get set up and then don’t work out. Can’t even ask hey how did the geek day go because there isn’t a chance too. Presently I get to sit in a limbo cycle of the current shit storm going on, her falling asleep during the conversation, then waking up and going from there. It is really really hard to be stuck in that sort of cycle for an extended period of time. Suppose this is what purgatory feels like. Fuck if I know anymore. At this point I should stop typing, I just feel like an unmanned asshole who’s been fighting to hold onto something desperately while being told not to fairly frequently.

Not even going to bother going into the constant need to prove how I feel. To prove myself. Seems that all boiled down again to two words.

15 days.

I really need to stop buying any form of jewelry. Rings, Collars, necklaces..bracelets. I really need to stop..seems to always end up being a bad omen instead of a good one.

15 days…..


Posted by on April 26, 2017

I was planning on posting a WIP Wens today but I remembered that the current WIP I am working on is top secret so I can’t do that, and I kind of lost the motivation to do it anyways. Shit happens right? I used to think I was a pretty decent guy. I don’t want to be one of those people who stands there and goes I am the shit, I am a catch bla bla bla. These days though, I am always asking myself if I even deserve to be sucking up o2 on this planet. Ah well what can you do right? Shit happens.

It really just makes you question every damn thing you have ever done in your life and relationship when you are being told on a fairly constant basis “You should just dump me.” or some variant. To keep hearing that on a fairly consistent basis among all the other issues, really makes you ask yourself, do I suck that much as showing that I love you? Are my sacrifices and fighting for the relationship really that insignificant? I don’t know anymore and at this point I am talking out of my ass because I am beyond exhausted on every level. That said though I need to get back on the resume train so maybe I will be able to use my degree on some level somewhere sometime.

There are a lot of days lately that I ask myself why I didn’t just stay in the jungle. At least the threats you face in the jungle are pretty straight forward, snakes are gonna bite ya if you don’t heed their warning. Tiger may eat you for lunch if you aren’t present. That sorta thing.

On the plus side, McCoy seems to think I am pretty cool today.


Posted by on April 11, 2017

Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly things can go from nice and happy to what feels like a shit storm. It is of course in those moments when I am feeling that amazement and confusion that I end up asking myself where do you draw a line? When do you toss your hands up and think that maybe life is flipping you off? Oh I am sure lovely A would say I am being melancholy but we are all allowed sometimes eh?

Maybe it’s the meds, maybe its having my jaw wired shut still or maybe as I was accused of earlier I am in a mood. Love is a powerful force there is no doubt about that and I will never be one to say it isn’t. I firmly believe it is one of the strongest forces in the world. But sometimes it just can’t fix everything. I wish I could. I used to think it could, but I suppose as I have gone through life and been ground down with it I have become slightly jaded.

That is what life does to you I suppose, grinds you down. I do my best not to let it, but I am tired. I have given blood, sweat and tears to a country that doesn’t care enough about it’s people to see the harm being inflicted upon it now. A country that is slowly pulling itself apart at the seams. A country that doesn’t always treat those who put their lives on the line for it very well.

I am tired. A son who lost his Father far to early in a traumatic fashion and a Son who slowly watched his Mother become someone she would have hated. Who didn’t know him in the end at all and yet there he was. I would do it again, she was my Mother and she deserved more then what life gave her. I hope they are together again happy my parents wherever they may be.

I am tired a Brother who’s sister is seemingly always at odds with him now. We used to be so close. She and I and A were often called the three musketeers growing up. I was Porthos the fun one of course. She was Athos cause she could be so bloomin’ bossy and A was always Aramis for reasons that would not become clear until later in life. Scamper A’s dog was D’artagnan because why not. We aren’t the Three Musketeers anymore at least it feels as if we aren’t. Perhaps we shall be again someday. I surely hope so, but for now things are as they are I hate the strain but there are not many things I can do about it at this point.

I am tired of getting whiplash. I consider myself a fair man, a man who can go with things as they change and try to be good about it. But maybe I am not. For as often as I am told I am one thing or another, or that I am not doing something good enough maybe I really am not as flexible or fair as I think I am. Maybe I am really just a piece of shit on toast as I was told once among other things. I have tried so hard to bend over backwards and show how hard I am willing to fight for the woman I love. It just feels like it is never enough, I am never enough. No matter what I do.

Forgive perhaps the worst betrayal I have ever felt in my life and the continued lie that happened for sometime after it.

Literally lock away part of myself because of the issues someone else caused and I was now helping to deal with and clean up the issue and damage. I want to be clear that I don’t have anything against doing that, when you love someone you want to help lift them up and to help them feel better, to be their best self. I won’t pretend that it is easy to do when the cause of so many problems is a drug using, dealing, pimp ass fuckhead that you were left for. It would be wrong to lie about that. Hard or not, love is worth the effort but I am tired.

Things change and suddenly that part is wanted again and yet when I let it out of the box even a little bit. Problems. Problems and more problems. I don’t know what to do with that anymore. Honestly. I just I sit here and stare off into space going what do I honestly do. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t in this situation. I am so tired feeling like that. I just want to know what direction to go in order to get to the place I thought we both wanted to be. Life isn’t perfect, don’t I know it and people aren’t perfect I wouldn’t want them to be, but why do I have to be so tired all the time?

It feels like anytime I get a little bit of traction in the right direction it isn’t long before something comes along and shoves me back again. Whether it is a few steps or a mile. It sucks and I am so tired so so tired.

It seems that turning down working further with a wonderful group of kids to try and preserve forward momentum within a relationship didn’t do any good. That choice was on me, I made that choice and I don’t blame anyone but myself for it. I just wish that my choice had paid forward a little more then it has. If things keep going like this when I am in the same time zone and then only 8 or 9 hours difference what happens when that is 14 or 15 hours? Not that it will be that door seems to be closed and locked. I don’t regret choosing love but I do regret not going back to that work I loved too because the results haven’t been anymore positive then if I had gone. The issues and the comments and whatever else that goes with it which I was hoping would on a whole be avoided by not taking that position back up…are there anyways. Again I am well aware that life and people aren’t perfect, but 4 days after such a happy nice message seems a little to soon to me to be feeling like the shit of the planet again. The small blurp of being accused of not having faith was surprising enough, this latest go round I just I don’t know anymore. I am just so tired. So damn tired.

That tired is literal too. Beside having a crap load of medications on board, which I HATE by the way I have been trying to get up by 3am local time everyday so we have some time together. I don’t always manage it, even though I set a total of 6 alarms. While I can’t do my full security work like I want to be A has taken enough pity on me to at least give me some work so I can at least make my car and insurance payments and not feel like a complete and total loser. I help with the kids and help sort correspondence and a variety of other small things. I feel a little useful at least. But between the early hour up, the medications and running around after the kids and such. I am damn physically tired. I guess that effort to get up was misguided as well. Good to know I guess since evenings aren’t convenient or whatever.

I was taught that relationships were supposed to be team work. That relationships of true love were supposed to be full of compromise and tackling the mountains and things life throws at you together. Relationships are work, no doubt but your supposed to be working together towards the same thing right?

Today it doesn’t feel like I am in the same chapter with the woman I love let alone the same page and that makes me tired too.

Throw on top of that a guy who is naturally a Dom trying to deal with the times, days, and main shots are being called by one party that isn’t the Dom and you end up with me. A tired, exhausted mess.

I really probably should not be hitting publish on this because it is just as messy as I am and I am a huge mess right now. But I wont be a hypocrite. I told Amby she needs to start publishing the things that she types out and then deletes. That she needs to allow people to see how she is feeling.

TO NOT GO BACK TO CONCEAL DON’T FEEL.

So it would be wrong of me to tell her that and then delete my own mess of thoughts. This is me a confused, messy human being. Who is very tired.


Posted by on April 1, 2017

Since I have some time on my hands I decided to watch a bit of Victoria the PBS/ITV period drama. I have loved every minute of it so far that I have watched, I mean seriously anyone who has seen it for even 5 minutes knows why. I was particularly for whatever reason excited about seeing how the love story of Victoria & Albert went. After all everyone knows they were one of the rarities in royal marriages, a true love match. They were passionate for one another as evidenced by the 9 children had pretty close together and of course her mourning. After her dear Albert died Queen Victoria never came out of mourning. I would have to check my facts but if I recall correctly she wore nothing but black for the rest of her life (and inspired the famous common black dresses ect we think of when we think of the Victorian age I believe), she also withdrew for the most part from public life.

For me this scene is the moment that she truly fell in love with Albert even if she wouldn’t admit it. I mean the man cut open his shirt to keep her flowers against his heart. That is an intense passion right there. I feel fore Lord M in this scene he loves the Queen no doubt about that it is as clear as her affection for him. He handles the whole situation with perfect grace and dignity though. He knew he wouldn’t be able to marry Victoria it just wouldn’t happen and despite her also clear affection for him she knew he had to let her go. The wince when she gives his flowers to Albert is heart breaking, but still what a class act. The way this scene is filmed and the way the Waltz is played out, artistic beauty. I am a sucker for a good love story especially when being told is a stunning and artistic way. The whole show makes me want to go out and get a good pair of hessian boots, maybe even with red tops.

Alright enough of my sappy prattle eh?


Posted by on March 28, 2017

Goodie goodie gum drops. The worst happened and old injury had flared up. To clean out the abscess to keep it from going into a full bone infection had to break my jaw in two spots and wire it back up. Good times right?

Went under having two different kinds of panic attacks so that was GREAT fun. Really. No seriously I don’t recommend being put under anesthesia why you are having not one but two panic attacks, it makes for a pretty miserable “night night” time.

I like Milkshakes but I already know the novelty is going to wear off very quickly. Last time it took about a week but oh I was younger then. Now I am just sighing and thinking about chewing gum or eating a big juicy steak. Yeah that one put in my head *face palm*.

I don’t get to work for a while either which is kind of something that ticks me off. I guess the bright side is I can catch up on my writing? Maybe even a few movies? Trying to find the silver lining. It isn’t easy because I am seriously NOT seeing one. Maybe the medication? Yeah I hate the feeling that happens when you have serious meds on board so not so much there either.

Ah well tomorrow I might get to try apple sauce. Yum yum. I think even the babies are laughing at me right now.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

We all hate the dentist. I especially hate the dentist. Like serious full blown anxiety attack at the idea of even going. So imagine my joy at getting to go twice in less then a week. FUN right?! NOT! Add to the massive panic of trying not once, not twice not even three but half a dozen times to shove my massive trigger with the phone issues down the trash to talk to the one person I wanted to before having to deal with this stupid trip again and I am feeling like a million bucks. You betcha.

The stupid ass phone issues are my own and no one to blame but myself for that. I won’t go off on that tangent though it’s for a day where I don’t want to put my head through a plate glass window.

Hope she’s alright at least despite my aborted shit attempts at phone dialing I did text. That I can do. 99% of the time.

So rather then starting to get better with all the medications to avoid another trip, of course the stupid crap has decided to get worse. I did a very poor attempt at trying to hide that yesterday. I did not want to ruin Mother’s day around here. While I succeeded at not ruining that big fail at actually hiding it busted. Yeah so part of it was so I didn’t have to go in. Sue me.

Sadly as much as I am in full fledged panic attack mode being medically knowledgeable I also know what can and will happen if I don’t have it looked at. That is not any more pretty then going. Going septic is BAD. Seriously don’t do it, never let it get to that blood poisoning is no joke.

Anyways I am looking down the barrel of heading in in less then an hour. Who knew they were so prompt and EARLY in this part of the world. Should have known, tea drinkers so friendly and helpful. There are a few ways this can go the extreme end being I am going to end up going under and having my jaw wired shut. Yeah I did that once before. I take good care of my teeth but a combo of genetics and an old injury causes problems and here comes one. Having my jaw wired shut last time really was not what I would call fun. In any fashion. I got SO sick of milk shakes and I like milk shakes.

So still wondering if there is time to stick my head through the window. Really does seem like the better choice in the middle of this full blown panic frigging attack. Fun times. Really fun fun times.

But hey the theme is still cool. So there is that.


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