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Posted by on April 24, 2017

Image at http://www.birth-ofa-notion.com

 

Here comes another effort of trying to take part in more of A’s meme’s and trying to be a bit more active again since she was kind enough to get me a new theme and all. Yeah I am still in love with the theme. Another Monday is here and frankly I would prefer it wasn’t here. Last week was a rough week. A very rough week and not just because my jaw is wired shut and I got the flu. I won’t go into all of it but frankly I am fairly down in the dumps. There were moments of not bad last week and I do try and hold to those to get out of the dumps but I’m only human like everyone else. The cherry on top of the crap week sundae was our family suffering the loss of a Great Grandfather. I think everyone is feeling that kick pretty well. Anyways Monday is about music at least that is a nice topic, probably end up posting more later or another day..anyways I digress again music.

 

 


Posted by on April 21, 2017

I wish to keep this post, simple and stream line, because it is not for me. The first year is the hardest, one step at a time.

 


Posted by on April 15, 2017

So my wonderful cousin A hosts Saturday Sanctuary I mentioned it back in January and then like a dolt only took part in it once since then. I feel guilty about that A works so hard to try and get everyone she meets let alone family inspired and she gets so little participation in the meme’s she does but she diligently posts them nearly every week. I admire her for that and I will do my level best to be a better cousin and participate more, maybe not every week but I will try.

So if you would like to participate head on over to Birth of a Notion and see what is going on and how it goes, I know A would appreciate it. Meanwhile here I go, the inspirational photo prompt this week is:

A went with a poem and that inspired me to write one this week as well, I suppose we are a family with the hearts of poets when it comes right down to it.

My dominance is a gift
While it is deep and a part of me
I give it to the one I choose
It is not given freely

Like my love it is held close
And with me everyday
Like a gift of submission
It is earned through respect

Only those who have shown me
Patience, loyalty and trust
Will be deserving of my gift
For it is the soul within me

Shared and given with love
To those who see the inner me
And know that there is more
Than bondage and a firm hand

Show you have a submissive mind
And desire to please and submit
And my dominance will grow
With each passing day

Learn my wants and needs
And express honesty always
My heart will soon be yours
And we will exchange our gifts


Posted by on April 11, 2017

Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly things can go from nice and happy to what feels like a shit storm. It is of course in those moments when I am feeling that amazement and confusion that I end up asking myself where do you draw a line? When do you toss your hands up and think that maybe life is flipping you off? Oh I am sure lovely A would say I am being melancholy but we are all allowed sometimes eh?

Maybe it’s the meds, maybe its having my jaw wired shut still or maybe as I was accused of earlier I am in a mood. Love is a powerful force there is no doubt about that and I will never be one to say it isn’t. I firmly believe it is one of the strongest forces in the world. But sometimes it just can’t fix everything. I wish I could. I used to think it could, but I suppose as I have gone through life and been ground down with it I have become slightly jaded.

That is what life does to you I suppose, grinds you down. I do my best not to let it, but I am tired. I have given blood, sweat and tears to a country that doesn’t care enough about it’s people to see the harm being inflicted upon it now. A country that is slowly pulling itself apart at the seams. A country that doesn’t always treat those who put their lives on the line for it very well.

I am tired. A son who lost his Father far to early in a traumatic fashion and a Son who slowly watched his Mother become someone she would have hated. Who didn’t know him in the end at all and yet there he was. I would do it again, she was my Mother and she deserved more then what life gave her. I hope they are together again happy my parents wherever they may be.

I am tired a Brother who’s sister is seemingly always at odds with him now. We used to be so close. She and I and A were often called the three musketeers growing up. I was Porthos the fun one of course. She was Athos cause she could be so bloomin’ bossy and A was always Aramis for reasons that would not become clear until later in life. Scamper A’s dog was D’artagnan because why not. We aren’t the Three Musketeers anymore at least it feels as if we aren’t. Perhaps we shall be again someday. I surely hope so, but for now things are as they are I hate the strain but there are not many things I can do about it at this point.

I am tired of getting whiplash. I consider myself a fair man, a man who can go with things as they change and try to be good about it. But maybe I am not. For as often as I am told I am one thing or another, or that I am not doing something good enough maybe I really am not as flexible or fair as I think I am. Maybe I am really just a piece of shit on toast as I was told once among other things. I have tried so hard to bend over backwards and show how hard I am willing to fight for the woman I love. It just feels like it is never enough, I am never enough. No matter what I do.

Forgive perhaps the worst betrayal I have ever felt in my life and the continued lie that happened for sometime after it.

Literally lock away part of myself because of the issues someone else caused and I was now helping to deal with and clean up the issue and damage. I want to be clear that I don’t have anything against doing that, when you love someone you want to help lift them up and to help them feel better, to be their best self. I won’t pretend that it is easy to do when the cause of so many problems is a drug using, dealing, pimp ass fuckhead that you were left for. It would be wrong to lie about that. Hard or not, love is worth the effort but I am tired.

Things change and suddenly that part is wanted again and yet when I let it out of the box even a little bit. Problems. Problems and more problems. I don’t know what to do with that anymore. Honestly. I just I sit here and stare off into space going what do I honestly do. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t in this situation. I am so tired feeling like that. I just want to know what direction to go in order to get to the place I thought we both wanted to be. Life isn’t perfect, don’t I know it and people aren’t perfect I wouldn’t want them to be, but why do I have to be so tired all the time?

It feels like anytime I get a little bit of traction in the right direction it isn’t long before something comes along and shoves me back again. Whether it is a few steps or a mile. It sucks and I am so tired so so tired.

It seems that turning down working further with a wonderful group of kids to try and preserve forward momentum within a relationship didn’t do any good. That choice was on me, I made that choice and I don’t blame anyone but myself for it. I just wish that my choice had paid forward a little more then it has. If things keep going like this when I am in the same time zone and then only 8 or 9 hours difference what happens when that is 14 or 15 hours? Not that it will be that door seems to be closed and locked. I don’t regret choosing love but I do regret not going back to that work I loved too because the results haven’t been anymore positive then if I had gone. The issues and the comments and whatever else that goes with it which I was hoping would on a whole be avoided by not taking that position back up…are there anyways. Again I am well aware that life and people aren’t perfect, but 4 days after such a happy nice message seems a little to soon to me to be feeling like the shit of the planet again. The small blurp of being accused of not having faith was surprising enough, this latest go round I just I don’t know anymore. I am just so tired. So damn tired.

That tired is literal too. Beside having a crap load of medications on board, which I HATE by the way I have been trying to get up by 3am local time everyday so we have some time together. I don’t always manage it, even though I set a total of 6 alarms. While I can’t do my full security work like I want to be A has taken enough pity on me to at least give me some work so I can at least make my car and insurance payments and not feel like a complete and total loser. I help with the kids and help sort correspondence and a variety of other small things. I feel a little useful at least. But between the early hour up, the medications and running around after the kids and such. I am damn physically tired. I guess that effort to get up was misguided as well. Good to know I guess since evenings aren’t convenient or whatever.

I was taught that relationships were supposed to be team work. That relationships of true love were supposed to be full of compromise and tackling the mountains and things life throws at you together. Relationships are work, no doubt but your supposed to be working together towards the same thing right?

Today it doesn’t feel like I am in the same chapter with the woman I love let alone the same page and that makes me tired too.

Throw on top of that a guy who is naturally a Dom trying to deal with the times, days, and main shots are being called by one party that isn’t the Dom and you end up with me. A tired, exhausted mess.

I really probably should not be hitting publish on this because it is just as messy as I am and I am a huge mess right now. But I wont be a hypocrite. I told Amby she needs to start publishing the things that she types out and then deletes. That she needs to allow people to see how she is feeling.

TO NOT GO BACK TO CONCEAL DON’T FEEL.

So it would be wrong of me to tell her that and then delete my own mess of thoughts. This is me a confused, messy human being. Who is very tired.


Posted by on April 10, 2017

I don’t take part in this meme every week, I probably should. I thank A for having it running on her blog and next time I decide to do it I’ll see if I can use her banner as well. Very kind of her as always.

Been a trying Monday for myself. I am trying to feel better about it but sometimes you just have a bad day.


Posted by on April 1, 2017

Since I have some time on my hands I decided to watch a bit of Victoria the PBS/ITV period drama. I have loved every minute of it so far that I have watched, I mean seriously anyone who has seen it for even 5 minutes knows why. I was particularly for whatever reason excited about seeing how the love story of Victoria & Albert went. After all everyone knows they were one of the rarities in royal marriages, a true love match. They were passionate for one another as evidenced by the 9 children had pretty close together and of course her mourning. After her dear Albert died Queen Victoria never came out of mourning. I would have to check my facts but if I recall correctly she wore nothing but black for the rest of her life (and inspired the famous common black dresses ect we think of when we think of the Victorian age I believe), she also withdrew for the most part from public life.

For me this scene is the moment that she truly fell in love with Albert even if she wouldn’t admit it. I mean the man cut open his shirt to keep her flowers against his heart. That is an intense passion right there. I feel fore Lord M in this scene he loves the Queen no doubt about that it is as clear as her affection for him. He handles the whole situation with perfect grace and dignity though. He knew he wouldn’t be able to marry Victoria it just wouldn’t happen and despite her also clear affection for him she knew he had to let her go. The wince when she gives his flowers to Albert is heart breaking, but still what a class act. The way this scene is filmed and the way the Waltz is played out, artistic beauty. I am a sucker for a good love story especially when being told is a stunning and artistic way. The whole show makes me want to go out and get a good pair of hessian boots, maybe even with red tops.

Alright enough of my sappy prattle eh?


Posted by on March 28, 2017

Goodie goodie gum drops. The worst happened and old injury had flared up. To clean out the abscess to keep it from going into a full bone infection had to break my jaw in two spots and wire it back up. Good times right?

Went under having two different kinds of panic attacks so that was GREAT fun. Really. No seriously I don’t recommend being put under anesthesia why you are having not one but two panic attacks, it makes for a pretty miserable “night night” time.

I like Milkshakes but I already know the novelty is going to wear off very quickly. Last time it took about a week but oh I was younger then. Now I am just sighing and thinking about chewing gum or eating a big juicy steak. Yeah that one put in my head *face palm*.

I don’t get to work for a while either which is kind of something that ticks me off. I guess the bright side is I can catch up on my writing? Maybe even a few movies? Trying to find the silver lining. It isn’t easy because I am seriously NOT seeing one. Maybe the medication? Yeah I hate the feeling that happens when you have serious meds on board so not so much there either.

Ah well tomorrow I might get to try apple sauce. Yum yum. I think even the babies are laughing at me right now.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

We all hate the dentist. I especially hate the dentist. Like serious full blown anxiety attack at the idea of even going. So imagine my joy at getting to go twice in less then a week. FUN right?! NOT! Add to the massive panic of trying not once, not twice not even three but half a dozen times to shove my massive trigger with the phone issues down the trash to talk to the one person I wanted to before having to deal with this stupid trip again and I am feeling like a million bucks. You betcha.

The stupid ass phone issues are my own and no one to blame but myself for that. I won’t go off on that tangent though it’s for a day where I don’t want to put my head through a plate glass window.

Hope she’s alright at least despite my aborted shit attempts at phone dialing I did text. That I can do. 99% of the time.

So rather then starting to get better with all the medications to avoid another trip, of course the stupid crap has decided to get worse. I did a very poor attempt at trying to hide that yesterday. I did not want to ruin Mother’s day around here. While I succeeded at not ruining that big fail at actually hiding it busted. Yeah so part of it was so I didn’t have to go in. Sue me.

Sadly as much as I am in full fledged panic attack mode being medically knowledgeable I also know what can and will happen if I don’t have it looked at. That is not any more pretty then going. Going septic is BAD. Seriously don’t do it, never let it get to that blood poisoning is no joke.

Anyways I am looking down the barrel of heading in in less then an hour. Who knew they were so prompt and EARLY in this part of the world. Should have known, tea drinkers so friendly and helpful. There are a few ways this can go the extreme end being I am going to end up going under and having my jaw wired shut. Yeah I did that once before. I take good care of my teeth but a combo of genetics and an old injury causes problems and here comes one. Having my jaw wired shut last time really was not what I would call fun. In any fashion. I got SO sick of milk shakes and I like milk shakes.

So still wondering if there is time to stick my head through the window. Really does seem like the better choice in the middle of this full blown panic frigging attack. Fun times. Really fun fun times.

But hey the theme is still cool. So there is that.


Posted by on March 26, 2017

So preface, I have a nice big fat abscess that is not only in a tooth but my jaw. Old injury helped that along yay for that right? So I am on some heavy duty pain killers, which I hate. Among other medications that in general make me seem like a toddler who got into the beer on accident. So I try NOT to drunk or medicated type. Really I do.

BUT CHECK OUT THESE NEW THEME?!!!!!! SERIOUSLY ISN’T IT LIKE THE BEST AND MOST NERDY AND OMG EVER?! I KNOW RIGHT?

So first off HUGE HUGE HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE shout out to A the best cousin and best friend a dude could ever ask for because she sprung for this. Asked me a few questions and BAM look at this EPIC THEME!!!!! Also massive shout out to her trusty designer Monique. I don’t know you personally Monique but, massive thumbs up to you thank you so much for the second awesome theme. This is like Wow. Seriously even not on medication mind blown awesome. I will be the envy of my few non family member readers. SO yeah alright there total nerdgasam going on there. Totally love the new theme and I am extra happy to have that annoying line of code gone. I am either going to have to ask a favor to get the rest of my little bits and bobs changed over or try and do it myself when I am not as Deadpool said orbiting Saturn. A feeling I am really not a fan of. At all.

This week has really been an up and down week to be sure. The terror attack in London a very terrible thing compounded by family attachments and worries. Shit hitting the fan where it really didn’t need to always fun. I really really hate feeling like a chew toy. The aforementioned shit fuck of a bad infection in my face causing more pain then I really want to talk about right now. So on and so forth. Alright so that makes it look like the week is a shit fest and yeah really has been. Upside, got to see some solid friends come through in a pinch when they really had bigger things on their plate. Handed out a little bit of advice that seemed to help? So I will go with those two as the brighter spots so it doesn’t look like a total complainer moment.

Here comes one of the reasons I should not type when my brain filter is not fully functioning. There are things that I do not like in life, I am usually pretty forth coming about these things because that is how I am. Just kind of had it drilled into me at an early age be honest about stuff, right on to the things you don’t really like. Sure I always try to be not a complete douche bag about these things because that is judgemental and jackass about shit but honesty.

What I really dislike though is when I am made to feel like my dislike of a certain thing is a good reason to not talk to me more openly about it. Yeah those few readers are going, WTF man vague book much? Others are going to be nodding along so there you go.

I guess I am having trouble at the moment wrapping my head around how can a meaningful long term relationship be built after everything. If after everything that has happened there can’t even be some simple communication about, hey I keep falling asleep at random times on you because I have been smoking weed for XYZ reason. I mean, really seems to be open and honest communication is better then letting someone think you have a major medical problem. Or that you just don’t really want to talk to them or whatever other random shit can run through someones mind when they don’t feel well or are having issues of their own as well.

Yes. Anyone who knows me for longer then a day or two knows that I am not huge on the recreational drug use. I am even less enthused in using it as a self medication for other issues. You can blame a lot of that on a fair amount of medical knowledge. However, I try not to be judgemental we all have things we need to do in order to make it from point A to point B in the day. It is legal in some states now for recreational, so not like any laws are being broken. I like to think I don’t hammer on about things or act like a judgemental jackass who launches into lectures about this stuff. Maybe I do though and no one has pointed it out, I guess I should take a survey or something because I suppose if I am a jackass who lectures I could wrap my head around the reasoning a bit more. Or at least find a bit more ground with it. Hell if that even makes sense. See the preface on why I should not be posting anything right now.

I don’t know I am just starting to see a familiar pattern crop up and while I am trying not to be that dude that “lives in the past”, patterns are patterns for a reason and this one makes me twitchy. Very twitchy.

That said, time to shut up and stop typing before I commit something to the internet I will regret. I try not to do that in general.

So I will end on another hopefully good note. Still in love with this new theme. Oh and hey anyone see the new Power rangers yet? I know its all Beauty and the beast right now but hey Rita Repulsa got an upgrade. Complete with a very Lady Loki feel am I right?


Posted by on February 13, 2017

Ah blog oh blog how I think I probably should have just let you expire and then journaled. Alas my stupid ass didn’t speak up and good efficient cousin A took care of your renewal, still need to pay that back, should pin a post it to my head as it may be a while.

I started working odd jobs at the age of 11 or so. This was of course just your typical kid jobs, mowing lawns, helping with groceries or moving and such, shoveling walk ways. I got my first proper job at 15 and have pretty much been steadily employed in one form or another. Retail, military, librarian, security just to name a few. Fairly sure I just set a world record for employed to unemployed, it is a record for me anyways. I would have to do some digging to find the exact time frame but less then two weeks I believe. That was all it took for me to resign. It was a choice and I own the fact that I made that choice but that doesn’t make me any less disappointed in myself or the situation.

I don’t like to be unemployed. It makes me feel like I am a failure and that I could not be a proper provider. I know that the notion is a little bit old fashioned and I certainly am not the kind of guy who is going to say that a woman can’t be the provider. Hell I would be a stay at home Dad if things worked out that way, spend all day with the kid and possibly jam on the guitar? Win win as far as I am concerned. But right now, at this point in my life I hate it. I want to pay my own way and not have to rely on handouts from others. I think that is a perfectly normal thing for most people, I know it is among my circle of people anyways.

Given the situation and the choices that were there to make, I feel I made the correct call but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. That sting feels heightened because again it would seem I got it wrong and thus was essentially made to feel as if I set out to hurt someone. Which is couldn’t possibly be further from the truth at all. I made my choice out of love and care. It isn’t the first time I have made a sacrifice choice and been slapped down for doing so. I don’t know maybe that should tell me that I am indeed a giant idiot and should stop doing those sorts of things, but I can’t help who I am. I can’t help that the very core of my being wants to protect and shield those I care about from anything that I possibly can, even themselves sometimes if it has to be. I did not plan to chose to resign, I didn’t think there would be a point where I would have to do so and I certainly didn’t think it would be in such a short period of time. I can honestly say I am still a bit shell shocked by that part of it. Thus I have been awake all night it is nearly 10 am now and just trying to process everything that happened.

I can’t help but feel like the man who goes back to the battlefield the day after and looks at the carnage that is there. Wondering how the tide could have changed as it did and how it all came to this place. A little dramatic perhaps but that is how it feels right now. Yesterday was not supposed to be a carnage battle. Yesterday was supposed to be like a may day celebration, fun and enjoyable. Spent an enjoyable day with the sprats, little man helped me with something and he was VERY excited about getting to help me with which of course was infectious. Managed to get a little bit of sleep in and everything seemed to be going just fine.

A sliced her foot open on some glass that I didn’t get cleaned up well enough. I felt like a gigantic tool for that, but no serious damage and she didn’t let it bother her to much which was a relief. Not because A wouldn’t have been right to be angry about it but because I wish only healing on her right now and even the stress of a slice to the foot is more then should be laid on her plate. I fixed up her foot and we called it good to go no need to worry about it. I annoyed her some with my stupid babble of excitement for when the kids would go to bed but bless her she took it well enough I know it was just that eye roll cousin annoyance.

And then somehow it all went epicly sideways. I mean worse then Deadpool sideways. So there begins the place where I am looking at the battlefield going, what happened? Everything was fine. What went so wrong that it would end up this way? Why couldn’t the day just have remained good. I needed a good day for a variety of reasons and I am sure I am not the only one. I guess it wasn’t to be so here I stand looking over the field shaking my head and nattering on in my blog. Probably sounding like a right prat too.

There is a point in any situation whether you understand how it came to be or not however, where you can see that something is going to have to happen. That point in a situation where you have to make a choice. That choice will always vary by situation of course and I saw that moment fairly quickly. So to try and shield, help whatever you want to call it two people I very much care about I tendered my resignation. Yes it hurts me to do so, I will not try and pretend it doesn’t. I need the work until I find a teaching position. I truly want to go back to Thailand I miss the kids, I even miss the walk to get food every week. There was a routine to the village and life was a bit simpler overall. Thailand isn’t in the cards right now without strings being pulled and I don’t have any of those. It may never be in the cards, I may have fucked that one up worse then I initially thought. I made a choice however and I own that. Just like I own my choice in tendering my resignation and I own that, doesn’t mean I am going to jump for joy about it though as it was not a good situation.

Either way the choice, gesture the attempt to shield and keep safe doesn’t matter anymore then a pile of dust bunnies. All it served to do was cause more upset, again. There are so many times that I ask myself why I keep getting things so wrong, why the gestures I make the things that I do to express my feelings are seen badly. I won’t lie that hurts, that hurts a lot. I honestly don’t know what too do anymore the target always seems to be moving and what I do never seems to be the choice that gets the right result, or shows the right feeling. Maybe I am just not able to do the right thing, maybe I am that screwed up thanks to a variety of things. I don’t really know anymore. In the end with no answers I can only go on what information I have in front of me so far. It seems my resignation was seen as a selfish thing so that I could have a gift for valentines day. Maybe that is not how it is at all, but I asked point blank about that and have yet to get an answer so what am I supposed to do with the information I have? I hate flipping it around and around and looking at it again and again but that is what I have and that is what I can do with it for the time being. I clearly suck at the whole boyfriend thing and am even worse at being a Dom. That is how it feels right now anyways. If I look even farther back to more distant battlefields with different armies that seems to be the story being told. The singular thing that two different relationships have in common is me, my lack of boyfriendy skills? My crappy Dom skills. Only common denominator is me. So I know what Sherlock Holmes would deduce from that.

Well at any rate it is probably wise to close this blog post out. I have already wandered on for far longer then I should have. Half or more probably makes no sense either. Emotional times and sleep deprivation will do that to you. Man I wish I wasn’t looking over a battlefield right now. I wish I didn’t have $50 in my pocket and no job, it was however my choice so right or wrong I made it. Not like anyone was holding a gun to my head. I just wanted to try and guard against there being even more carnage. Even more hurt. I just wanted to show myself through my actions I couldn’t stop where the situation but I could try to minimize things for others. I wish yesterday just would have gone the way I saw it going. Watching good shows with loved ones, laughing over random geekouts. The picture in my head was so nice. Everyone would have had a nice day, a nice night and would be gainfully employed and going on to the next days tasks without any feeling of heaviness from the night before. It wasn’t meant to be though it would seem. I wish I did not have to make the choice I did but I thought I was doing the right thing. I honestly thought once again that if I could do what needed to be done, things would end up better in the end. Maybe a part of it was selfish I guess. Knowing that a fair amount of guilt, self flagellation (extreme word I am aware but its the only one I have right now), self doubt and whatever else comes along with it would occur and would get worse if other things came to pass I honestly thought I was trying to minimalism it. Watching someone you love consistently go through the aforementioned cycle is painful. So maybe that was a selfish thing of me. I didn’t want to see that happen more. I just want there to be peace, happiness even joy. We all make mistakes in life and there is no harm in feeling bad when they happen, but when it turns into a cycle. I don’t know. I honestly have no idea what I am typing anymore and should just stop. I should also probably not hit publish but I will because it is honest. I made my choice and I don’t hold blame to others for the choice I made. Especially if it was a selfish choice, which I guess it was given what information I have to go with at the moment. I will live with my choice, I do not regret the emotion that lead me to it, I do not regret trying to protect someone I love. I regret that perhaps it was selfish because I did not want to see another round of the aforementioned. I shouldn’t be a selfish man, that is wrong and unfair of me. I just wish mulligans were a real thing. I wish the clock could be turned back and I never would have had to make that choice. We all would have had fun and watched some great shows and been able to get some restful sleep before a day of work, or a day off from work. That is what I really wish.


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