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Posted by on October 6, 2017

The title pretty much sums up my feelings on this year. Oh sure every year we go into the new year hopeful and thoughtful and then the shit grinds us down. This year has been yet another grinding trying one and frankly I am ready to just say FUCK IT.

I have lost count how many times I have been told to “leave me alone”.

Hell I can’t even pick an actual anniversary date because there has been so much goodbye turkey. Oh no I am sorry I lied, cheated, broke your heart and made a mistake. Pretty much the routine of my life. Why should this year be any different.

I really am the stupidest man on the whole damn planet to think that anything will ever be different. I am beyond moronic to plan a few months ahead for the holidays let alone for life. Truly I end up feeling like the biggest buffoon every time I think about anything.

This time I have been dumped because she couldn’t sew…..and because I didn’t leave her alone long enough. Yeah. I am trying to get my head around that one too. I can sew so I could help, I have despite the utter ream of bullshit that just happened still offered too because its never a child’s fault. But really?

Yeah Fuck 2017.

I don’t know why I am posting this, maybe because I don’t want to bend a fountain pen and keys are more forgiving to start with. Maybe to remind myself just what a shit ass year it has been when I start to waver again. Maybe I don’t know and I am just a moron all the way around.

See I always thought that when you were in a relationship you worked as a team. That no matter how hard things got that you supported each other and that you found ways to compromise. Am I wrong? I mean did I miss the memo on relationships and suddenly that isn’t what they are about anymore? Hell maybe that is why nothing has ever worked out for me. I am missing the memo. Maybe someone can clue me in eventually.

Isn’t it funny that whenever you’re the one being emotionally torn apart with a variety of digs and stabs that the final bit is always something along the lines of it’s not you it’s me? Your not the failure I am. Your love was never in doubt it’s me and all those variations. I have never understood that. Yes I am guilty of having used it a time or two myself, but I still say I never understood it. Like if that is true then WHY? Why am I the one fighting FOR a relationship while I am being kicked in the emotional dick?

I probably never will understand it.

I feel like a broken record yet again…so I guess I will end with something I was hoping to share over the weekend. Something my therapist had asked me to do as a way to try and explain how being locked in combat brain can feel like. Given the latest explosion and that at the end of it there was a, “Can you just leave me alone for a few days. It might have been okay if you had just left me alone.” this weekend will likely be another lonely affair with beer and maybe a wank, if I can even bother which I probably wont. So beer it is.

An alarm clock chimes across a pitch-black room. I slowly rise. Standing in my bathroom, I brush my teeth and shave away yesterday’s stubble – part of every Marine’s mandatory morning routine. The person in the mirror seems somehow unfamiliar. Downstairs, the morning pot of coffee brews. I finally begin to wake. Leaving home, the roads are lined with beautiful farmland, backlit by a rising sun. Morning dew glinting off the fields gives way to a kaleidoscope of neon signs as I reach town. Pulling into the parking lot, I take a deep breath and step out of my truck.

Our Marine morning routine consists of running on dirt pathways along a beautiful flowing river. Our footsteps echo off pine trees. Three miles later it ends with sore feet and tired lungs. Staring into the shower’s flowing water, I dread this time of day the most. Drying myself off I dress in my camouflage utilities. Only recently do I feel as though I cannot live up to the Marine Corps insignia I wear over my heart. Being a United States Marine means showing no weakness, no pain, especially to your subordinates. As I button my shirt my facade takes shape, and I am off to fake the day.


Posted by on July 31, 2017

Believe them the first time. That is the old nugget, the old quote. The one I always say is to cynical. Maybe I should be more of a cynic. Well whether I should or shouldn’t is still up for debate, but I stumbled upon this article at what seems like a scarily interesting time to stumble on it.

It was written by Ari Easterman SOURCE, to show it isn’t me or anything. Its a curious read though. Tough one too but curious.

There’s a saying my mom frequently used (a variation of the famous Maya Angelou quote) that I think I finally understand.

“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I guess I never do believe them the first time. I always think there’s some hidden meaning, that something else that will reveal itself in time. It’s the, “I’m going to hurt you.” Or, “You deserve better than me.”

“You’re so amazing, but I’m just messed up right now.”

I hear the words. And I ignore them. Like some kid who just keeps sticking her hand in the flame, knowing she gets burned each time. I keep coming back. I keep doing it, thinking this time it’ll be fine. I keep forgetting what happens when you touch fire.

It hurts.

Maybe it’s being raised with a psychology professor for a father and this weird, innate desire I have to apply bandaids to any bleeding hearts I come across. “I like the damaged ones,” I always joke when friends caution me against my latest romantic interaction. And then I remind them we’re all damaged anyways. It’s a nasty word, damage. We all think we’re so damaged and broken. But really, it’s just a symptom of living long enough. We just prove how human we are.

I’ve dated, or at the very least lusted, after them all: the ones with addictions, depression, anxiety, the lost ones, the ones who need validation and love. It’s not that I think I can fix anyone. I know I’m riddled with my own set of issues. Perhaps it’s easier to focus on someone else. I enjoy taking care of people. I’m a whole lot better at it than taking care of myself.

I’d pour my energy into them. Because his depression isn’t as scary as mine. Mine feels ugly, whereas his? His makes me want to hold him. His makes me want to touch him and love him and tell him it will all be okay. I don’t like that I’m attracted to this. It’s not healthy, and I know that. I know all of this.

Believe someone the first time. Listen to what they are saying, as much as you want it to mean something else. We want it to be something else.

But here is the brutal truth, the one I forget too often.

When someone tells you that you deserve better, they are telling you to move on because they don’t care enough to be better. They will not put in the effort or energy they KNOW you deserve. I want to say it has nothing to do with you, because it is not your fault, but they will find someone who they deem important enough to BE better for. That person is not you and I’m sorry, that is shitty and horrible and I want to hug you because I’ve been there. They know you deserve better. But they are not going to be better. Listen.

When someone tells you they will hurt you, they will hurt you. I don’t think they are malicious or evil. They aren’t planning some massive destruction to your life and just sitting back, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But they know themselves. We all do, whether we readily admit it. They are going to hurt you. They know it. And maybe down deep, you know it too. And when it happens they will say, “I told you. I told you this would happen.”

When someone tells you they are too messed up, they are warning you. It’s not that anyone has too much damage or too many issues. But this is an excuse. This is something ready to pull out and say, “I told you, I’m messed up.” This is blame and letting go of responsibility. This is the warranty they can point to and say, look. Sorry.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. I’m trying to.


Posted by on July 30, 2017

This is how I feel as of late, round and round it goes where it stops nobody knows. I know my blog has turned into a bit of a boohoo sad little boy who is all butt hurt lately but it is what it is. As Amby is fond of saying it’s my space I can do what I want with it right?

Despite being told not overly long ago (hours) that current things aren’t part of a cycle, I could beg to differ and give so many examples I could fill a book. It would be petty of me to do it, its probably petty of me to even be typing about it now, but since I have little else in the way of semi safe expression lately there it is.

The cycle generally goes something like this

* A choice is made
* I comment, maybe not my favorite choice but not a huge deal over all.
* Asked a general question.
* Answer
* Have to answer again after statement.
* Long statement of why the choice is what it i, and so on and so forth.
* Long disagreement/argument/ect ensues.
* Realization of jackassary comes and there is a basic apology.
* Time that follows is sporadic and sparse some reasons valid, some not.
* Communication seems to be sporadic as well.
* Statement of illness and depression
* Snark ensues (do not claim to not be part of that at times I am human)
* Feelings of never ending cycle heap onto fresh wounds and feeling unresolved plops on top.
* Wash rinse repeat.

I don’t know what to do anymore about it. I have said I can’t keep going around and around. I feel like a jackass for even making this post. I am not a man who does not understand flaws, issues, emotions and depression. I understand them fairly well but I am also a human with feelings of my own as well.

I always thought the point of a relationship was to support one another even in the bad times. To work as a team, to share the load as evenly as possible. I don’t know maybe I am just naive and idealistic. Lately I think I should just dedicate myself to not being in a relationship and be a lone wolf. Might be lonely but at least I could only blame myself for any choices or feelings and at least I would know what I was thinking, I understand myself most days.

Just so exhausted so tired of feeling like I am damned if i do damned if I don’t. Like answering a question will end up with me getting my head snapped off but not answering gets me the same thing. Bla bla bla I know I have written all of this before and I am sure anyone who reads it will just say deal with it or man up or whichever. Maybe I should. I am so tied in knots anymore I don’t know.

I do know I am tired of going in circles. I do know I am tired of not feeling supported. I do know I am tired of seeing others in my life suffer because of my choices heaped on top of other things going on. I know many of those things are things I can’t help, but makes me feel guilty when I could have helped things.

So another babbly post. Is what it is.


Posted by on July 11, 2017

Let’s all let the clip and the general reaction of “DAYUM” stand for itself shall we? He had it coming…


Posted by on July 11, 2017

This moment hit particular today while watching it with family. Francis is a character that I honestly really just did not like the first season. That was of course the entire point, your supposed to dislike him and feel Ross is the hero. This scene though made the viewer soften and maybe even fall in love with Francis, which of course it was supposed to do. If season one was about hating him for taking Ross’s girl and being a brat, Season 2 has been about him redeeming himself and becoming a better man to his family. I won’t spoiler of course for those who don’t know what is to come, but this was a touching moment and it came at the perfect time.

Demelza needed to hear it and it was good of Francis to say it and more over mean it, he was not always kind to Demelza after all.

Meanwhile..Ross is making a pigs ear of it. Least he saved the fork to the face with good reflexes…


Posted by on July 11, 2017

What do you do when all efforts fail? What do you do when despite some pretty fantastically nasty bullshit whatever you do, try to do or try to forgive it just isn’t enough? I am not asking this to be ironic, I honestly have no idea and I am taking suggestions because the one thing that springs into my head is not a great idea and not helpful at all.

I have been lied too, cheated on, dumped, abused, cheated on, lied too wash rinse repeat. A smarter man would have walked away and yet I didn’t. Despite having a million different pieces of evidence that told me this was a bad relationship and looking very one sided I wasn’t willing to throw it all away.

More fool me.

A pound of weed as the solution for rent issues should have set off more alarms then it did. Obviously it is not something I agree with but I can understand the desperation there. I can understand how even something illegal looks like a better choice if a person just hands you a pound of weed to sell. Still given the recent history, I should have taken the alarm bell for what it was.

Still I tried to offer the benefit of the doubt. She said she wouldn’t be smoking it other then the amount she “tested”. Yeah more fool me AGAIN.

Weird ass behavior and the same shady shit that left me feeling like I did something wrong has settled in over me once again the last few days. I don’t like it, but the behavior and wording and all the rest is exactly what it was while I was being cheated on and lied too and all the rest. Again.

Still. I tried.

Tried to take some hope from a little spiel about wanting to show me that she can make time for me. That got shot down really quickly with the rest of the conversation that followed.

Not even 24 hours without using weed with it in the house but apparently I am the one who needs to keep giving chances. Yeah I don’t think so. I have done my part.

I continued to be as open as I could about it. I have in fact for the last two days stated I can’t keep doing this cycle of crap. My point is, ” understood “.

The end result is a conversation that just seemed like a face plant and a door slamming and locking shut. I called out sabotaging, was told there wasn’t sabotaging. Pointed out where it seemed like there was and was not disagreed with. Moreover, when I pointed out I could not handle being dismantled again and again and bouncing back from it and I was told no one would be expected to.

That’s it I guess.

Seems pretty damn anti climatic after everything, but seems fairly cut and dry to me right? That was all around 2 hours or so ago anyways so.

What do you do when it’s all failed? When you have tried everything you can think of and still end up holding a broken heart?

Yeah I don’t have a clue I’ll make sure to let anyone know if I sort that out. The heart dies a slow and painful death that is for sure.

I think going and becoming a hermit seems like a good choice right now.


Posted by on June 24, 2017

Title says it all, I am probably the worlds worst cousin, friends and everything else. I keep giving A my word about things and then I end up being a liar. Especially the last two days, shes got such a terrible fever I am worried, everyone really is and yet I break my word once more.

All A wanted was a day where she was allowed to be sick, didn’t have to fix any issues, or deal with anything added to her plate. Watch some TV and accept the fact she was sick. This isn’t something she does often if ever. Try getting her to take a day off. I gave her my word that would happen.

Yet it feels like her birthday all over again for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I will never win. That thought alone hurts so much because I always thought if I fought hard enough for love, showed someone I loved them enough it would be alright. Doesn’t seem to be the case for me. Of course it could simply be that my love is not strong enough or true enough or I am not up to the task enough. Since it seems I am unable to give her what she wants as I am reminded of again.

I have kept a print out of these two memes with me at all times for a very long time. Since the day after we met. As a reminder to myself. Risk is worth it sometimes and love is a deeply complex thing.

These three were given to me by my Sister one day. I keep them close too. Despite her own personal feelings on situations she wants me to be happy. She truly wants that for me and says everyday that she hopes she is wrong with how she feels on things. That has always meant a lot to me.

My therapist has even suggested I find meme’s for those times when I do not know how to express myself. I have a very hard time expressing feelings. It is a flaw I think, but it is one I work often to fix. Sure I can get feelings out metaphorically through song but regular words are much harder for me. I really do try even if it never seems to be enough. I even thought that I made some decent progress with that issue when I was open and truthful that I was emotionally drained, and just feeling hurt. Even allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to say that a recent situation had indeed made me feel gun shy. The reward I got for that was, to find out that my use of he word Risk was apparently such a horrible thing that it caused another complete meltdown not 12 hours after being told I was loved and I was wanted in every way and that she didn’t want to lose me. I suppose I will end up kicking myself for whatever time I have left on this planet for being so callous. I was then also informed that I am gun shy about everything.

Ouch.

I guess I am being an overly sensitive old woman about it, but so be it what else do I have to lose anyways? I have already lost everything anyways. I am sure somewhere I will get word about sharing meme’s being wrong and whatever, I have had that before too, but again I have already lost it all there is nothing else to lose.

Nothing else to fight for.

Nothing else to live for.

I am sorry to those who have been hurt. I am sorry that my mission and passion and desire to revel in the love of a woman I love more then myself has brought drama and pain to her and anyone else. I am sorry my desperate need to know that I could be more then a broken solider took me over. I am sorry my desperate want to reach out and touch the very real dream I had of my wife and our children (yes I am including the one she already has which is not mine by blood) seems to be the delusions of a broken man.

If I keep my word on nothing else, which it seems I can’t. Then let it be this. When all is said and done there is only one more thing I could do that will bring darkness to your life. I am sorry for that but it will pass. I know it will and then there will be no more darkness in your life, but sunshine.

I love you.


Posted by on May 4, 2017

Most anyone who reads this blog already knows what has transpired over the last two days. A I am so sorry that again your Birthday ended up as collateral damage.

Title says it all. Still processing and frankly I don’t think there is enough time to actually process it all. Feels like I’ve been hung, drawn and quartered. So that is all I got at the moment. Time to take self inventory again it seems.


Posted by on April 27, 2017

Give or take because of time zones it has been 15 days since the last time I had to talk about lines in the sand and being pushed to far. 15 days. That is all and it is not an exaggeration or me being an asshole. I looked because I was curious because the response to my thought about wondering WTF seemed like that meant it would be the last time. That yes indeed the message was clear, if things continue as they have been even soulmates can’t take a beating forever.

15 days.

There have been moments of course during those 15 days where if I could smile (wired shut jaw) I would have. Moments where I actually felt things could be shifting for the better, working as a team. The way that a relationship should. Those are the moments I tend to live for, the moments that remind me why I have chosen to forgive and try to make things work. Simple things really, something as simple as working together to pick a Birthday gift for someone. Such a simple little thing and yet, something that meant a great deal to me.

I wish those moments formed the bulk of the last 15 days unfortunately they don’t. The last 15 days have been full of more bickering, back biting, general flakiness and getting to feel in general again like a gigantic boob who never does anything right then I will ever commit to paper or electronic paper. I won’t say some of it hasn’t been my problem, I have had the flu, I am exhausted and I am stressed because my bills are not being met and the job I really want to be doing is not my job. I can’t even make myself useful and start working on the property I was going to rebuild by hand because I can’t buy the supplies. So I accept where I have been at fault but I don’t feel those moments deserve half of what comes flying back at me.

15 days that was all it took for me to go from trying to hold onto that one bit of hope that maybe I wouldn’t have to draw that line. To standing on the brink of an yawning abyss and I have no idea what to do about it anymore. Been no proper date night in whatever. Schedule changes then changes back, things get set up and then don’t work out. Can’t even ask hey how did the geek day go because there isn’t a chance too. Presently I get to sit in a limbo cycle of the current shit storm going on, her falling asleep during the conversation, then waking up and going from there. It is really really hard to be stuck in that sort of cycle for an extended period of time. Suppose this is what purgatory feels like. Fuck if I know anymore. At this point I should stop typing, I just feel like an unmanned asshole who’s been fighting to hold onto something desperately while being told not to fairly frequently.

Not even going to bother going into the constant need to prove how I feel. To prove myself. Seems that all boiled down again to two words.

15 days.

I really need to stop buying any form of jewelry. Rings, Collars, necklaces..bracelets. I really need to stop..seems to always end up being a bad omen instead of a good one.

15 days…..


Posted by on April 26, 2017

I was planning on posting a WIP Wens today but I remembered that the current WIP I am working on is top secret so I can’t do that, and I kind of lost the motivation to do it anyways. Shit happens right? I used to think I was a pretty decent guy. I don’t want to be one of those people who stands there and goes I am the shit, I am a catch bla bla bla. These days though, I am always asking myself if I even deserve to be sucking up o2 on this planet. Ah well what can you do right? Shit happens.

It really just makes you question every damn thing you have ever done in your life and relationship when you are being told on a fairly constant basis “You should just dump me.” or some variant. To keep hearing that on a fairly consistent basis among all the other issues, really makes you ask yourself, do I suck that much as showing that I love you? Are my sacrifices and fighting for the relationship really that insignificant? I don’t know anymore and at this point I am talking out of my ass because I am beyond exhausted on every level. That said though I need to get back on the resume train so maybe I will be able to use my degree on some level somewhere sometime.

There are a lot of days lately that I ask myself why I didn’t just stay in the jungle. At least the threats you face in the jungle are pretty straight forward, snakes are gonna bite ya if you don’t heed their warning. Tiger may eat you for lunch if you aren’t present. That sorta thing.

On the plus side, McCoy seems to think I am pretty cool today.


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