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Posted by on March 29, 2018

This post is not likely to make much sense. I am completely exhausted, drained and exasperated, but figured typing right now was better then starting at a wall silently. And while she would never ever say don’t talk to me I simply will not dump more of my feelings on A right now. She knows where I am at emotionally because I know closing her out would only cause her more pain, but I just can’t look at my beautiful strong cousin, looking frailer then I have ever seen her after all shes done and dump more of the same on her right now. It doesn’t mean I am cutting her out. But who knows maybe it does. I am more confused then after after the events of the last day.

I know things that happened were not my fault. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like shit about the whole thing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I went to a movie and then I was honest about how I was feeling and then someone else was honest about how they were feeling and then the sky fell down on A’s head.

A who is terrified because some douche bag hit our car and has affected her pregancy. A who for once has not argued with a doctor when they have said you must stay in bed and you must stay calm. There was no debate. None. She never does that.

I am trying trying trying to wrap my head around the events that happened.  Just like I have tried and tried and tried to do everything I can to make things work in a relationship. Just like I am trying to figure out how I am supposed to whats causing problems or what isn’t or anything when it isn’t talked about. When I am not given a chance to say anything about something because I don’t know about it. I am trying to wrap my head around why the fuck am I bothering to deal with my issues and fight and struggle and work and improve. If it doesn’t really matter and I am going to be held continually to the person I was 8 years ago.

Sure at the core I am the same person because I believe I am who I should be. But the issues that I have been dealing with, the PTSD so much of that is different and has changed and it has taken so much hard work to get there. And I just, whats the damn point of it? I am trying trying trying to see the point and right now I don’t have it. Maybe I will when I am not drained and exhausted. Who knows. Things change I mean I sure didn’t see the day going the way it did. So who knows.

I mean I didn’t see taking a month to make sure my relationship was in a better place, and secure and there was a clear vision of what the future could and should be turning out like it has. Honestly it kind of feels like me taking that time only ended up making things worse. I am even more lost and unsure about what the relationship is now, then I was when the director offered me the job again in Thailand.


Just saying the word is starting to make me feel ill because it feels like issues always crop up when I am about to embark on something there. That feeling is on me but damn its hard to shake sometimes. I own the fact I made a choice to take the later date to Thailand. I thought it would be the right choice for my relationship. I thought it would be the choice that respected my relationship and allowed enough time to make sure things were clear. That yes there is going to be more space for the moment, but that isn’t how I see it remaining.

Something I have clearly said before. I have stated more then once I clearly see my relationship in Thailand.

But it feels like I am not getting credit for that. It feels like I am being penalized for accepting the position that I thought I was supported in again. I don’t say that’s the intent but that is how it starts to feel to me. I was open that I took the later date because I wanted to make sure things were good and solid and on the right page. That I didn’t feel all of that could be achieved in the three days I had to if I did not take the later date. I felt it was the adult thing and the right thing to show respect for the relationship. I had the choice so I made the one I thought was best for the couple not just myself. You don’t always get those choices when it comes to employment so I thought when I did it was important to show I cared and wanted to do the right thing for the relationship while also making sure I took the job I dreamed of doing again.


But it feels like things have just gotten worse and more convoluted since I made that choice and I don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t know what to do after the most recent events. I am trying to process it all but some of it is just so beyond me. and I am trying to respect being told time was needed again. Time. Always time. Wheres my time? I know that sounds petulant and childish, but sometimes I feel like I am always having to forgive, to get over, to give time and then when I have a moment, or a mistake or an upset or anything like that……its the end of the world and I can’t have time because I am shutting down. Or closing someone out or not sharing enough when all I need is a little time. Why can’t I have that time?

Who knows maybe it is a selfish prick thing to say.

Maybe I never should have said, I don’t want to talk about what the director said right now because I am  mad. I am tired of having something that is supposed to be fulfilling and a fantastic job, touched by negative things. I didn’t say fuck off I am not going to talk about it at all. I didn’t say I would never say a damn thing. I said not right now.

I didn’t get the time.

And it really seems like it doesn’t matter one way or another at this point what the director said because the entire day was a cluster fuck of shit. Wouldn’t have mattered if I was on a plane or not. It is a giant ball of fuck all shit.

So I don’t know it all just feels like it doesn’t matter and maybe it does maybe it doesn’t the feeling is what it is. The director was kind enough to tell me not to worry about choosing. That he understands how important family is and that it is most important right now that I stay with A until she is safely delivered of little Gio because that is what is best for me emotionally and that is best for my family. I greatly appreciated not only his understanding but his true kindness about it. He didn’t have to do that. I made a commitment and it was looking as if I could flake out on it again. I am grateful he did not see it that way and didn’t make me feel that way.  I am so so grateful for that. That kindness truly means so much. I can’t wait to get to that work but I am grateful for the chance to make sure I have done all I can do help my family even if my other attempts at doing that haven’t always turned out the way I had hoped. The start to this one hasn’t been great either but I am still very grateful for the kindness he showed.


I should probably shut up now.

Posted by on February 16, 2018

Another day another long time since I have posted a blog entry, but life is busy like that sometimes. Been working hard to try and get that debt slate clean so I can keep moving forward with the life plan and all. Sometimes though it just all seems futile and I started to feel a little lost. I wonder why am I doing all of this. Would be so much easier to give into the PTSD feelings and just stop fighting all of it. Stop fighting the feeling of not being enough, stop fighting the guilt and nightmares, stop fighting the worries and everything else. It would indeed be much easier. But would it be better? No, probably not. Just easier.

I am not blaming anyone for my feeling lost. It is no one person’s fault. It isn’t any persons fault really, it is just what happens sometimes. Sure issues and situations with others compound it but that doesn’t mean I am pointing any fingers. With that said, I ain’t gonna lie current relationship status and the feeling I am getting and just everything going on there sucks. It hurts and I don’t know what to do right now. I am still not blaming anyone, for all I know it is just my own paranoia raising it’s head and causing all of it. I will own that possibility.

But it feels like a huge mixed message to have a fantastic night of chatting and spending time. Getting a chuckle over a good movie and less then 24 hours later on Valentine’s day no less feeling like some kind of wall you can’t get through has been slapped up. I just don’t understand it and it does add to my feelings of being lost.

I know everyone has bad days. I know one person can’t fix everything. I know we all have outside stress issues that happen. I know all the logic things its one of the many reasons I am not pointing any fingers. These things happen to all of us.

Yet it doesn’t take away from the feeling that can be evoked because of all these factors.

I am left feeling pretty much like a giant asshole because I got a thoughtful card for Valentine’s…that had its own issues attached with acknowledging the card but that is a tech thing and just it happens nothing anyone could do. I am not attaching that situation to anything. But, my ass is broke enough at this point I couldn’t buy a card in time to mail it for the day. I wanted to but what could I do? Steal it? Slap some serious writers block on top of the money issue and I am not sure I would have ended up staring at the card forever anyways. Haven’t even been able to respond to a letter I was sent because every time I sit down to respond to it my brain locks up. I am sure there is something a therapist could say about that, but haven’t talked about it yet. That thing also makes me feel like an asshole. Who can’t write a damn letter? Come on man. But pushing that all aside, I made a few little plans for what I could do until I am able to send a little something. It wasn’t something out of a Rom com by any means but I thought it would be…fun at least.

But, she was having a down day and went silent with not much talk very early on in the evening. I didn’t even have a chance. So I feel like an asshole for not getting to do even a stupid little small thing I had planned and hoped to do for Valentine’s day. So that sucks but I am not pointing fingers and I am really not trying to make some sort of big deal out of it. We all have down days.

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting though. Doesn’t mean I am not a bit troubled by the seeming pattern of when these days happen. Day’s off. When I brought up the pattern I am told that it’s because she has no life and it’s because she doesn’t get any extra time on day’s off. Fair enough I guess, but what can I say to that? I don’t have middle of the week days off….my schedule is different then that. I also guess I don’t understand spending NO time with someone because on a day off you aren’t getting to spend more time with them. Isn’t some time better then none?

I don’t know.

Yeah we have issues. Doesn’t everyone? Yeah we need to work on stuff. Doesn’t everyone? I guess I am just starting to wonder if we will be able to work through it. My brain seems to put the clamp down if I try to write about it on for paper. Texting about it has it’s own perils and usually ends badly for a variety of reasons. So then what?

If things aren’t working while I am in the same time zone. What happens when I am back in Thailand? That is a very very real fear to me. A very serious and stressful one for me.

So …. see. Feelings of being lost.

At this point I am just randomly typing it seems but the other J of the house knows this family well, can’t turn down challenges. I know life can suck ass. I know situations aren’t always ideal. I know we can all get depressed and we can all have some massive stress from shit we don’t like, such as shitty roommates. But what happens when the crappy things seem to be poisoning the good things? What then?

I don’t know, like I said just randomly typing at this point because I won’t turn down a challenge. Least the challenger was also nice enough to send over a few articles that actually spoke to me a little bit right now. A few randomly placed snippets to keep with the randomness theme.

Stress can make you less social.

When you’re overwhelmed, do you feel like going out? Doubtful. Your partner may want to hit the town, but you’re exhausted. He or she wants a weekend getaway, but you can’t bear the hassle of making plans.

Granted, relaxation and down time are important, but too much of it can be a drag on your relationship.
It can drive you to drink.

For many people, socializing involves drinking and there’s nothing wrong with that — if you have a handle on it. When times are tough, you’re more likely to overdo it on the alcohol.

If you do, you may feel the urge to bring up and hash out your issues while drunk, which is exactly the worst possible time to do so.

Or, if you have a flair for the dramatic, you might opt for less direct, more extravagant ways to express your displeasure. This creates fireworks — the dramatic kind, not the romantic kind.
It can make you distant.

You may deal with stress by bottling it upon in an attempt to “spare” your partner from your problems or because you don’t want to appear weak.

Maybe you flat-out deny that anything is bothering you or you keep interactions safely on the surface. Though well intentioned, this can leave your partner feeling shut out, wondering why you emotionally disappeared.

4. Prioritize commitment.
If you’re feeling too strained to connect with your partner every day, Dr. Mantell recommends putting things in perspective. “Help each other remember you cannot control the uncontrollable, to always look for victory not defeat, to agree to set aside time to talk and be each other’s defense attorney, not prosecutor,” Dr. Mantell says. Ask yourself: What will your relationship look like in one month (and in six months) if you don’t prioritize time with your partner? What are the advantages of putting your partnership first, and what are the disadvantages? The answers to these questions should motivate you to pursue quality time together.

Posted by on February 16, 2018

…You’re gonna wake up and see that it was hopeless after all….

One can relate.

Posted by on January 1, 2018

Well so far 2018 for me looks just like 2017. I am going to hope it’s just some left over bullshit and maybe once we get a full day into the rotation things will look a little bit better. That is the optimistic way to look at it anyways. I am making an attempt. As my last posts here have said, fuck 2017. It has to be one of the worst on record and considering I served tours that is really saying something. It also went out on a collosally low note and one I am feeling a lot like an asshole for. It wasn’t my fault or doing, I know that and I won’t lay that on myself. I still feel like an asshole for it. Because I was used as a weapon against one of my loved ones, by a loved one. Yeah, that is never going to be a nice feeling, ever. Moreover, I was naieve enough to think I was doing something that would help with the issue and frankly it didn’t even scratch the surface. Time will tell if it was really a bad or good move. I was honestly trying to be a good guy when I did it. Trying to help calm tensions and make things easier for everyone involved. Turns out I really should have had the entire story but A had been told she shared to much or something along those lines I don’t know exactly and shut it down as to how much she said. Never a good thing, communication is key but I also can’t really blame her now that I do in fact have the full story.

I can say without a doubt one lesson that has firmly been driven home even though it was one I already firmly believed in. Don’t lend money to family and friends. Just don’t do it. It will cause nothing but grief and strife and ruin relationships and maybe even cause actual ulcers.

I know that might sound hypocritical on the surface, I have indeed borrowed from family. I hate that I did but I did. I have a firm payment plan though and once this one is paid off. To keep myself from being a hypocrite I think I will say I would rather be dead then borrow from family again. Not because I have been treated badly about it, I haven’t not even a little bit. I have the kindest most understanding family member ever. Its because of that kindness and understanding that I would rather die before borrowing again.

I have watched as she has tried to help people she loves with financial issues and I have watched the majority of them take advantage of that. I have watched her get beat up over it, attacked and quietly suffer for being a nice person. Like..WHAT?! Sadly its shit like this that makes me totally understand why there are not as many nice people in the world anymore. Being nice shouldn’t end up causing you pain and it shouldn’t be seen as a weakness. Being nice, being kind its something we all should do more of for fucks sake.

I have watched her be used as an ATM and then told awful things. I have seen what those things are doing to her. I have seen her try to be open about how she is feeling, run down and other things and have that used against her as well. So now as the new year starts I am watching her and I see that it looks like she is shutting down. The new year should be a place to start with hope and a fresh year. A whole new 365 days ahead of us where things can be different and better. She looks like someone who has given up and let me tell you that isn’t an easy thing to see or even picture.

2018 marks year FOUR of one of the loans she is carrying. I won’t go into the insanity that ensued over the FOUR years. All I will say is that it all started to go downhill when she made an offer of a family plan..and then bought a bag of cat food. Kind of been all over the place since then. Four years and little complaint. Four years of no interest, nothing concrete, hearing about other people being paid this or that and so on and just quietly trying to get at least what is being charged on a bill for the month so that at least the principal doesn’t grow further. Year three (2017) she added more to it without fuss to help and make sure homelessness didn’t happen again. Kind person right?

Yeah Four years a debt that wasn’t like anywhere even in the ballpark of 3grand ever I don’t know what the topline was she didn’t tell me, but I do know it wasn’t there…and there is still 875 left. I know that number because see the part where I decided to be a nice guy and take the debt thinking it would make life better an easier for everyone because I thought that was the big problem.

and I just feel flummoxed by yet another conversation that involved, “Well she could have asked” in regard to a late payment. I am sorry but as someone who is also repaying that bothers me. Clearly it is my way of thinking and maybe that’s a problem but well on this matter my way of thinking isn’t likely to change. To me the person who has been kind enough to make the loan has done their part. Keeping track of what is owed is a bonus kindness (though I personally keep a full roster of mine) and not charging interest is an even bigger kindness. So why is it then their responsibility to fish for information about why the payment they are owed is gonna be late? I mean…. I can’t even. Anyways there is a lot more but the bottom line is I feel if you are the one who was loaned the money, it’s your responsibility to pay it back in a timely manner and if a payment is going to be late you should give the explanation to the person who lent it. I am sorry but I just feel like they did their part why can’t you make it easier on them by doing your bit? Especially since lets face it anytime you lend money to a family or friend there is discomfort anyways.

So the long and short of it….don’t lend money to friends and family it just is never gonna work out well. At all. I could go on but I am just gonna leave it. Here is hoping that this is just some left over 2017 shit and it will be clarified off…

I need a nap maybe that’s the key.

Posted by on December 17, 2017

Seems to me this year just needs to literally be blown off the map. Or someone needs to point out where the cameras are and admit they have been running one really long ass episode of punk’d.

I am helpless to help A with a massive problem that might actually kill her. I am working on that. Feeling helpless sucks and there has to be a solution. There simply has to be, cause if the universe is that big of a shit, I think the universe needs to check itself. I do know that it has gotten to a point where if I can’t think of something I think I will just remain my brain so I don’t have to worry about bleach and sort something there since at the moment I seem to be the only one who doesn’t have an issue with the heat? I don’t know no point in prattling on about that on a blog anyways. One way or another have to find a damn solution.

While having her own issues, she still tries to help and sort for everyone else. Bless her for that. Though this article was an interesting read. With some good points all around.

There’s plenty of advice out there for things you absolutely need in a healthy relationship. A lot of it varies from person to person, but some things are essential no matter who you are or what you’re looking for in a relationship. Solid communication is one of those things. As long as you have that, there’s not much else the two of you shouldn’t be able to work out together.

1. No one is a mind reader.
This should be pretty obvious. But we all have those moments where we can’t fathom why our other half doesn’t seem to get it. The reality is, some things that are obvious to you wouldn’t even cross the other person’s mind — so be nice and explain it. Problem solved.

2. Feelings aren’t always obvious.
Who hasn’t insisted they’re fine when they’re actually far from fine? Your partner might be able to discern the fact that you’re upset, but they probably have no idea why. Being able to put your feelings into words will serve you well in relationships, as well as in life.

3. Being able to talk to each other is important.
Your significant other is probably the person in your life you spend the most time with, so if you can’t talk to them about things that are bothering you, who can you talk to? A boyfriend or girlfriend should be someone you can lean on if you need to, so take advantage of it.

4. Fights become a lot less dramatic when you can talk them out.
Screaming at each other and throwing things probably isn’t the most productive way to argue. You aren’t going to get your message across by being irrational, but if you can sit down and talk about your issues, you’ll eventually be able to come to a resolution together.

5. You need to make sure you want the same things.
People change their minds about things every single day. Even if you guys were two peas in a pod when you first started dating, that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. For example, if you’re waiting for a proposal, but they’ve secretly decided they don’t believe in marriage, that’s kind of a problem. You won’t even know it exists unless you talk about it.

6. Keeping things inside never turns out well.
You can try to ignore all your problems and brush them under the rug, but that’s not going to make them go away. The worst ones will just end up festering and silently poisoning your relationship until there’s no going back to the way things used to be.

7. You’ll avoid unnecessary misunderstandings.
Since you can’t read each other’s mind, it’s hard to always know what someone else’s intentions are. Luckily there’s always the option to ask before you make an assumptions — and you should both feel comfortable doing that.

8. It shows you respect each other.
Being able to see something from someone else’s perspective is never a bad thing. If you want to hear their opinion, that means you trust their judgement, and there’s no bigger sign of respect than that.

9. You have to be able to stand up for yourself.
If something isn’t working for you, it’s your responsibility to speak up. This goes for more than just your relationship too. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want, so if you can’t communicate what that is, chances are you’re going to have a hard time getting it.

10. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all relationship.
Every couple in the world is unique. What works for one couple isn’t necessarily going to work for another. That’s why if you want to find that sweet spot where everything runs smoothly and you truly feel like you’re a team, you’re going to have to talk to each other. And listen to each other. Never underestimate the importance of being a good listener.

Posted by on December 1, 2017

Have I mentioned Fuck 2017? Glad this suck of a fuck year is almost over and it can go sit on the shelf next to it’s fuck buddies. I was working on a different post then this, something with a little bit of sad and a little bit good, but popped that one on hold. Se la vie right? Watching A take another hard impossible even hit has been hard. Thor was another beloved. There was no reason he should have passed, A is sure it was a broken heart. I can’t argue with her on that. Then I go back to worrying that all of these hits are taking their toll on her and maybe her own heart is going to be broken beyond repair and no one will be able to do anything about it. It is not a comforting idea.

Then everything else just. Honestly I don’t even know beyond fuck 2017. The last two days have been stressful and they shouldn’t have been. It happens, life isn’t perfect I get that. When you add in a hefty toss of the same old same old, it gets heard to try to see where anything good is going to end up happening. I am trying. Every day I try to see the light, to remind myself that when you put in the work, stay positive, know your path that you can make it through anything. Its hard to remind yourself of that sometimes, especially when you still feel as if there is a gaping wound and a lot of ground to travel.

So when for two days you don’t hear from someone and then when you finally do its just get get tossed into some crazy ass drama shit it kind of makes you wanna go. What the fuck am I doing this for? Two days of worry, wondering, reaching out on multiple platforms. If it was just me I would probably do what I always do and suck it up buttercup because that seems to be the only way for things to bump along in any semi normal fashion. It isn’t just me though. Again I am watching someone who’s heart is a million pieces because of losses this year and in recent years. Someone who probably has more hurts then myself because anytime there has been any sort of rekindling, shes just expected to be fine and she leaves it at that so not to rock the boat for me. Worry, pace and panic. Day one was mostly just well shit happens schedules must be off, but surely the scheduled girls night won’t go sideways.

Day two, scheduled girls night goes sideways. Massively.

Its not that I have a lack of sympathy for what shes going through with the moronic clearly not stable I do, I really do and I would have liked the chance to express such, but I also have sympathy for the other crap that happens. Two days of worry, trying to establish contact the cops even called for a welfare check because A truly believed there was a possibility the clearly unstable dude might have done something. All of that explained. All of the worry, the panic all of the multiple ways of trying to get in touch, failed or not. The only response….. “I hadn’t heard from you guys.”

There were emails, phone calls, text messages from multiple people and devices, emails, yahoo messenger and Facebook messenger. Finally a last resort welfare check call to the police. I am sure I can understand how A feels getting a response of, I hadn’t heard from you guys after all of that.

From there as far as I know the majority of the conversation centered around all the drama that the clearly unstable roommate was causing. A hasn’t shared all of it with me its what she does she holds it in because she feels she is never allowed to need help, to have problems and all of that. Something we all work on helping with, trying to make her feel safer…but its a process and we have made it unsafe for a very long time over it.

For my own part I can’t say much, because I was not given much. Just a comment about being homless soon that has been said hundreds of times before when this sort of crap is going on. I guess my response wasn’t warm and fuzzy enough. I own the fact that it wasn’t the worlds most supportive comment, I will own the fact that my mood was sour after two long days of what had been on. I won’t say it was the worst comment ever however, because while maybe blunt it was true. Simple statement of that song and drama dance has been done before. It has and I felt in my current mood and given the current situation throwing myself into the land of being super up in arms about it was a bad idea. I was trying to be cool, level headed let cooler heads prevail as they say.

For all the good it did me. I was told I wouldn’t be bothered with it then. Not what I said. Not what I have ever said except for maybe twice in my life and it wasn’t as if I had been “bothered” with much more then that comment.

That’s pretty much the extent of what I got for the day, an I’m sorry and nothing else quite sometime later as I pointed out a true fact.

Two days..of worry and multiple contacts and not one single I am sorry you guys were so worried or, you guys are so sweet to worry but I am ok, or even hey thanks for giving enough of a shit to go above and beyond even if my only response back was, I hadn’t heard from you guys.

Yes that last comment was said heated, because I am a human and also not perfect. No one expects perfection and mistakes happen. Duh. I like to think I am a pretty forgiving person and I know damn well A is forgiving to a fault, far more then she probably even should be because it often does damage to her. I will also own the fact that it was heated, typed with “tone” (my fathers cock hows that for tone! Thanks A anytime I say, type or think the word tone thats what comes to mind now and always likely will) but again hi I am a human and I have issues too and I am pretty fucked up and I would just like life to stop feeling like a crappy ride at the park.

Its like anytime I get my head around shit and start to slowly stick it up out of the foxhole some dick over in the other trench tries to shoot it off.

Anyways apologies to cyberland for putting another negative very badly or non edited review out there.

Back into my foxhole I go, I will try to get that positive post finished one of these days..maybe not until 2018 though.

Posted by on October 6, 2017

The title pretty much sums up my feelings on this year. Oh sure every year we go into the new year hopeful and thoughtful and then the shit grinds us down. This year has been yet another grinding trying one and frankly I am ready to just say FUCK IT.

I have lost count how many times I have been told to “leave me alone”.

Hell I can’t even pick an actual anniversary date because there has been so much goodbye turkey. Oh no I am sorry I lied, cheated, broke your heart and made a mistake. Pretty much the routine of my life. Why should this year be any different.

I really am the stupidest man on the whole damn planet to think that anything will ever be different. I am beyond moronic to plan a few months ahead for the holidays let alone for life. Truly I end up feeling like the biggest buffoon every time I think about anything.

This time I have been dumped because she couldn’t sew…..and because I didn’t leave her alone long enough. Yeah. I am trying to get my head around that one too. I can sew so I could help, I have despite the utter ream of bullshit that just happened still offered too because its never a child’s fault. But really?

Yeah Fuck 2017.

I don’t know why I am posting this, maybe because I don’t want to bend a fountain pen and keys are more forgiving to start with. Maybe to remind myself just what a shit ass year it has been when I start to waver again. Maybe I don’t know and I am just a moron all the way around.

See I always thought that when you were in a relationship you worked as a team. That no matter how hard things got that you supported each other and that you found ways to compromise. Am I wrong? I mean did I miss the memo on relationships and suddenly that isn’t what they are about anymore? Hell maybe that is why nothing has ever worked out for me. I am missing the memo. Maybe someone can clue me in eventually.

Isn’t it funny that whenever you’re the one being emotionally torn apart with a variety of digs and stabs that the final bit is always something along the lines of it’s not you it’s me? Your not the failure I am. Your love was never in doubt it’s me and all those variations. I have never understood that. Yes I am guilty of having used it a time or two myself, but I still say I never understood it. Like if that is true then WHY? Why am I the one fighting FOR a relationship while I am being kicked in the emotional dick?

I probably never will understand it.

I feel like a broken record yet again…so I guess I will end with something I was hoping to share over the weekend. Something my therapist had asked me to do as a way to try and explain how being locked in combat brain can feel like. Given the latest explosion and that at the end of it there was a, “Can you just leave me alone for a few days. It might have been okay if you had just left me alone.” this weekend will likely be another lonely affair with beer and maybe a wank, if I can even bother which I probably wont. So beer it is.

An alarm clock chimes across a pitch-black room. I slowly rise. Standing in my bathroom, I brush my teeth and shave away yesterday’s stubble – part of every Marine’s mandatory morning routine. The person in the mirror seems somehow unfamiliar. Downstairs, the morning pot of coffee brews. I finally begin to wake. Leaving home, the roads are lined with beautiful farmland, backlit by a rising sun. Morning dew glinting off the fields gives way to a kaleidoscope of neon signs as I reach town. Pulling into the parking lot, I take a deep breath and step out of my truck.

Our Marine morning routine consists of running on dirt pathways along a beautiful flowing river. Our footsteps echo off pine trees. Three miles later it ends with sore feet and tired lungs. Staring into the shower’s flowing water, I dread this time of day the most. Drying myself off I dress in my camouflage utilities. Only recently do I feel as though I cannot live up to the Marine Corps insignia I wear over my heart. Being a United States Marine means showing no weakness, no pain, especially to your subordinates. As I button my shirt my facade takes shape, and I am off to fake the day.

Posted by on July 31, 2017

Believe them the first time. That is the old nugget, the old quote. The one I always say is to cynical. Maybe I should be more of a cynic. Well whether I should or shouldn’t is still up for debate, but I stumbled upon this article at what seems like a scarily interesting time to stumble on it.

It was written by Ari Easterman SOURCE, to show it isn’t me or anything. Its a curious read though. Tough one too but curious.

There’s a saying my mom frequently used (a variation of the famous Maya Angelou quote) that I think I finally understand.

“When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I guess I never do believe them the first time. I always think there’s some hidden meaning, that something else that will reveal itself in time. It’s the, “I’m going to hurt you.” Or, “You deserve better than me.”

“You’re so amazing, but I’m just messed up right now.”

I hear the words. And I ignore them. Like some kid who just keeps sticking her hand in the flame, knowing she gets burned each time. I keep coming back. I keep doing it, thinking this time it’ll be fine. I keep forgetting what happens when you touch fire.

It hurts.

Maybe it’s being raised with a psychology professor for a father and this weird, innate desire I have to apply bandaids to any bleeding hearts I come across. “I like the damaged ones,” I always joke when friends caution me against my latest romantic interaction. And then I remind them we’re all damaged anyways. It’s a nasty word, damage. We all think we’re so damaged and broken. But really, it’s just a symptom of living long enough. We just prove how human we are.

I’ve dated, or at the very least lusted, after them all: the ones with addictions, depression, anxiety, the lost ones, the ones who need validation and love. It’s not that I think I can fix anyone. I know I’m riddled with my own set of issues. Perhaps it’s easier to focus on someone else. I enjoy taking care of people. I’m a whole lot better at it than taking care of myself.

I’d pour my energy into them. Because his depression isn’t as scary as mine. Mine feels ugly, whereas his? His makes me want to hold him. His makes me want to touch him and love him and tell him it will all be okay. I don’t like that I’m attracted to this. It’s not healthy, and I know that. I know all of this.

Believe someone the first time. Listen to what they are saying, as much as you want it to mean something else. We want it to be something else.

But here is the brutal truth, the one I forget too often.

When someone tells you that you deserve better, they are telling you to move on because they don’t care enough to be better. They will not put in the effort or energy they KNOW you deserve. I want to say it has nothing to do with you, because it is not your fault, but they will find someone who they deem important enough to BE better for. That person is not you and I’m sorry, that is shitty and horrible and I want to hug you because I’ve been there. They know you deserve better. But they are not going to be better. Listen.

When someone tells you they will hurt you, they will hurt you. I don’t think they are malicious or evil. They aren’t planning some massive destruction to your life and just sitting back, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But they know themselves. We all do, whether we readily admit it. They are going to hurt you. They know it. And maybe down deep, you know it too. And when it happens they will say, “I told you. I told you this would happen.”

When someone tells you they are too messed up, they are warning you. It’s not that anyone has too much damage or too many issues. But this is an excuse. This is something ready to pull out and say, “I told you, I’m messed up.” This is blame and letting go of responsibility. This is the warranty they can point to and say, look. Sorry.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. I’m trying to.

Posted by on July 30, 2017

This is how I feel as of late, round and round it goes where it stops nobody knows. I know my blog has turned into a bit of a boohoo sad little boy who is all butt hurt lately but it is what it is. As Amby is fond of saying it’s my space I can do what I want with it right?

Despite being told not overly long ago (hours) that current things aren’t part of a cycle, I could beg to differ and give so many examples I could fill a book. It would be petty of me to do it, its probably petty of me to even be typing about it now, but since I have little else in the way of semi safe expression lately there it is.

The cycle generally goes something like this

* A choice is made
* I comment, maybe not my favorite choice but not a huge deal over all.
* Asked a general question.
* Answer
* Have to answer again after statement.
* Long statement of why the choice is what it i, and so on and so forth.
* Long disagreement/argument/ect ensues.
* Realization of jackassary comes and there is a basic apology.
* Time that follows is sporadic and sparse some reasons valid, some not.
* Communication seems to be sporadic as well.
* Statement of illness and depression
* Snark ensues (do not claim to not be part of that at times I am human)
* Feelings of never ending cycle heap onto fresh wounds and feeling unresolved plops on top.
* Wash rinse repeat.

I don’t know what to do anymore about it. I have said I can’t keep going around and around. I feel like a jackass for even making this post. I am not a man who does not understand flaws, issues, emotions and depression. I understand them fairly well but I am also a human with feelings of my own as well.

I always thought the point of a relationship was to support one another even in the bad times. To work as a team, to share the load as evenly as possible. I don’t know maybe I am just naive and idealistic. Lately I think I should just dedicate myself to not being in a relationship and be a lone wolf. Might be lonely but at least I could only blame myself for any choices or feelings and at least I would know what I was thinking, I understand myself most days.

Just so exhausted so tired of feeling like I am damned if i do damned if I don’t. Like answering a question will end up with me getting my head snapped off but not answering gets me the same thing. Bla bla bla I know I have written all of this before and I am sure anyone who reads it will just say deal with it or man up or whichever. Maybe I should. I am so tied in knots anymore I don’t know.

I do know I am tired of going in circles. I do know I am tired of not feeling supported. I do know I am tired of seeing others in my life suffer because of my choices heaped on top of other things going on. I know many of those things are things I can’t help, but makes me feel guilty when I could have helped things.

So another babbly post. Is what it is.

Posted by on July 11, 2017

Let’s all let the clip and the general reaction of “DAYUM” stand for itself shall we? He had it coming…

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