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Posted by on January 24, 2017

I hate feeling adrift I really do. I might be a bit of a Gypsy, I think that runs in the family but that feeling of being adrift and not belonging, I don’t like it. As much as I have been trying to ignore it lately it just keeps creeping up on me. Like an unwelcome door knocker reminding me that it is there with a persistent knock knock on the door. Honestly I don’t know what to do about it anymore either. I know ignoring the feeling wasn’t the right or healthy thing to do, but I also don’t know how to go about fixing it anymore.

I feel like no matter what I do, what I choose it is never good enough. I feel like a dog chasing my own tail on a fairly regular basis and that sucks. My therapist says most of this is probably stemming from a feeling of not feeling as if I know who I am anymore. That it is rooted there and he’s probably right because lately every time I look at myself in the mirror I see an epic failure and indeed I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to know who I was. I was a Son, a Brother, a supportive Cousin, a Marine, a Uncle A Teacher, A Dom maybe a boyfriend too? I don’t know that word has always been one that is odd to me I am a man not a boy. You know like some people don’t like the word moist? Anyways I digress.

Who am I now? Both of my parents are gone, my relationship with my sister is not as close as it used to be, I have leaned on my cousin to much and while I know that I can’t seem reign that in and stop, my tours of duty are over unless I enlist again, which isn’t really advisable especially with the new twit in the oval office. I can’t fathom that I live on a planet where Donald Trump is actually the commander in chief. I still manage pretty well with the little guy, but even in that the last few days I have not been able to keep up with him and I feel as if I let him down in that.

I can’t seem to make a choice on what to do about teaching. I really enjoyed the work I was doing in Thailand and I felt I did it well and maybe was even making a difference. The time zone though makes things difficult, I did my best with that but I am fairly sure I failed at that too and I am sure in trying to spin all the plates at once I failed the kids too somewhere. Self doubt blows, I liked myself better before I had it. I have been asked to go back to the village, back to the little house I built with my own two hands, the school house that I also built with my hands (also helped of course by the villagers), so the sound of the jungle as I went to sleep and a demanding paw that was the size of my head as it demanded part of my lunch. I am just not sure what that would do at this point with other things. My getting upset over a completely missed date night caused by perhaps the second biggest douche on the planet (purposely I have no doubt), caused issue and trigger enough in itself. So what happens if I go back to Thailand where the time difference is 14 hours (unless I am off there)? I have also been offered a job at two different schools in the UK where I did some of my student teaching work thanks to A. Again not bad choices, pay more then being in a third world country of course but I didn’t go into this for the money. There is of course again the time zone difference between the West Coast of the United States and the UK.

I have not had any job offers in the States, granted I have not applied for any either. Don’t get me wrong students in the United States need help and schooling as much as any other student. The problem in the US is that the school system and politics with it really ties teachers hands these days. Have you seen common core math? I can understand it does work better for some students, but a great many are just flat out confused by it. Then there is of course the fact that it seems these days if the student isn’t doing well the blame goes right on the teacher. The parents have a fit, the child needs a safe space whatever, and the school admin usually backs up the parents in that instead of standing behind the teacher. Again this is painting with a fairly broad brush and I know that it is not the case for every school and every teacher, but in general there is a massive problem with the education system in the US IMO.

As for a Dom..yeah right that just yeah. I am sure someone who is a better wordsmith then I am who could explain the feeling. Those who don’t understand D/s will never understand the desire and frankly the need to be a Dom. To me I feel like that part of me is a muscle. All muscles need to be worked out once in a while and when you don’t use a muscle that you are very used to using it can leave you feeling, off. That is probably not the right word but it is the only one I can come up with at the moment. My Dom muscle feels as if it as completely atrophied because being a Dom in the vanilla world is generally frowned upon and I respect boundaries and other peoples issues. Sometimes maybe to an extreme but I completely hate triggering people because I know what it feels like to be triggered. I get triggered a fair amount of time and just bite down on it. Still stinks.

So yes, there it is I feel like an Adrift failure lately. Cycle of life right? Suppose everyone feels it once in a while. There is a lot more making me feel adrift but the little guy is awake and I assured G and Al that they could sleep in I would take care of him.

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