The Road Home

Finding the way back

Update on Life

Things are gradually getting better, the roommate hasn’t left yet, but he has also stopped the loud bad mouthing.

He’s been mostly reasonable since he got over the flu, though I ended up catching it too. I just caught it at the beginning and was able to use cold medication to manage the symptoms. Money will be kinda tight this next check, but I’m hoping for OT to be offered so I can make up some of the lost time.

I did 2 hours of OT today, and will be signing up for any available as it becomes available.

I’ve been able to set a budget that will ensure no matter how much I’m paying for rent as long as I split it between 2 checks I’ll be able to cover the rent by myself.

Once the roommate does move out, my sister might be moving in, I’d rather she didn’t so I’m hoping she can find a place on her own before he leaves. The chick she went to stay with after breaking up with her boyfriend was sleeping with him before they broke up, so she’s in a mess again.

I recently had another nuclear blow up from being over stressed and took it out on the one person who did not deserve it at all, since the person my ire does apply to, I have to keep my mouth shut unless he breaks the lease.

I’m feeling a lot less stressed now that I realized that while 800 a month in rent will be a tight budget fit, I can make it work. In March I’ll get 3 checks which will be when I can start saving to have a rainy day fund.

I lost A’s trust again and have to earn it back to continue helping her with the admin work on the website.

I’ve been waiting for 2 months for nail art supplies I ordered and haven’t gotten them yet, need to find the receipt from the purchase and find out what happened to that package.

I was really hoping to start making stuff that could be put on the website too, so that A isn’t the only one making products.

I also passed a personal test today. Someone I gave a ride home to left a baggie of meth in my car. I would be lying to say I wasn’t tempted to use any, but instead I just flushed it down the toilet, I didn’t even want it in my car. I certainly wasn’t gonna return it to the guy I gave a ride to. I gave 2 people a ride tonight though and wasn’t sure who left it behind.

Not even sure it was the people I gave a ride to tonight who left it, as I found in on the floor in the backseat while I was cleaning out trash, and I give rides on occasion when they supply gas or cash for the ride.

But I did flush it and felt a sense of pride for resisting the urge to use any. May help that I don’t have any of the supplies on hand anymore, but I know how to get them for free, if I was inclined. Yes my mind worked it all out but I still flushed it.

Psychosis is dangerous!

So my roommate went all psychotic on me the other night. He called the cops late at night to report me for indecent exposure, claiming that I use the restroom with the door open. His proof? He could hear me pee… uh small apartment bathrooms echo… I can hear him pee too..

I do shut the door, I just wasn’t pushing it all the way to latch because again, small apartment, echoes, and the doors stick so to completely latch the door it’s pretty loud and I was trying not to wake him up.

First of all he has the whole living room which he has a sheet hanging up which completely blocks off the view of the rest of the apartment and if he ever bothered to actually look to see if I’d shut the door, he’d see that it was shut enough for privacy.. cause hello I don’t want some gay dude seeing my fat ass on a toilet! So the cops show up I explained my side even demonstrating how loud it is when the door is fully shut. Mentioned I did have plans to be mostly gone while my daughter was in town. So they leave, explaining to both that neither of us can kick the other out without going through the entire eviction process… meaning if I have to…. I’ll let him start the process and get free rent for January.

I got some housing resources from work… unfortunately the vast majority only take section 8 vouchers, and I have called to see if I could apply, and applications all over denver are not being accepted until further notice. And most of the places that accept those vouchers have 3-6 year waiting lists.. That doesn’t do me any good right now.

So then I was trying other places and because I don’t have full legal custody of my daughter I can’t even qualify for most of the rental assistance programs, cause I’m young and not disabled. I’ll be checking with my therapist to see if PTSD qualifies as a disability and if I can get an official diagnosis then I’ll be able to try that.

However I DID find one service that may work out well. It’s a senior roommate matching service. Senior citizens that are looking for roommates to help with the cost of rent. That could be a perfect solution, so hopefully something pans out from that.

Being a single woman who has a kid but doesn’t have full custody is making it soooo hard to get assistance.. Most of the places only provide assistance for single mothers with full custody, or families. My baby Pan, my cat, unfortunately doesn’t count as a kid in their eyes. lol

I’m reaching out all over.. even gonna try applying for a lease on the off chance my eviction has dropped off my record already since next month it will have been 6 years. Think I’ll check my credit report…..

Customer Service sucks these days!

Customer service has really declined in the last couple decades and it only seems to get worse.

For example, trying to get assistance on why I can’t login to my email when I know the password is correct because I asked the administrator, A, to reset my password. I told the so called customer support that I didn’t need the password reset, I just needed to confirm the username, told her the 5 usernames I’d tried, one of which was the actual username as I later discovered when I tracked down how to manually add an email from a separate hosting site.

Repeating myself repeatedly has always been a pet peeve… though I will admit that I’ve had to have stuff repeated for me on several occasions. Now that I’ve fully stopped smoking (both weed and cigarettes!) my memory should start improving. I’m also utilizing the puzzle books that A sent me.

They are word searches and fill ins, my favorite types of puzzles! I particularly enjoy the number fill ins. I can solve most of the puzzles in 5-10 min.

Anyways, back to adding products to CoB, and enjoying Heartland, just recently started watching the show and oh my god I’m soooo hooked. I’ve also learned a TON about horses… really think I missed my calling.

Admin work

So I finally got into CoB to add products, many thanks to A on fixing the mess up I made at some point.

Keeping them all as drafts for now, till she can approve them, but my goal is to get all of her products from Etsy listed on CoB as well, and will have it done ASAP.

Still missing my kitty, but I’m adjusting, and I’m sure she will find a great home.

And now I’m drawing a blank.. so guess that’s it for today’s post.

Goodbye Belle

So while I was at work this morning, the roommate messaged me and said that Belle attacked him in his sleep and sent me a picture of where she scratched up his knee.

He is insisting I get rid of her he will throw her outside. I can’t risk losing my apartment and I don’t want to risk her being on the street. So I’m taking her to Dumb Friends league. She’s young enough and cute enough that she should get a new home quickly.

It’s breaking my heart to do it. But I don’t see any other alternative.. I can’t move. I really wish I could.

Noticing small differences

So I’ve been trying very hard to stop myself from arguing with people, and taking the time to look at what they are saying and honestly seeing if there is truth in what they say.

I’ve found there usually is truth in what they say which forces me to admit my responsibility for the conflict. I’ve been able to keep things from getting out of hand by voicing my acceptance of my fault in a situation and then describing exactly what I can do to to help resolve the conflict.

This has really helped with my relationship with my roommate, he prefers to be called Texas, so I won’t ever use his given name, which I rarely do anyways after finding out how much he disliked his given name. Apparently it was his dad’s name and that man was no more than a sperm donor.

He’s gonna be struggling for awhile, cause he just found out this morning that he has a brain tumor and was told he’ll probably be dead before he hits 27, he’s 25. I’m thinking this may be what had caused him to lose control of his temper so many times, but in the last 2 weeks, by using what I discussed above, I’ve been able to calm him down each time he started to lose control. I don’t think I’ve ever really recognized how my tendency to be automatically defensive has prevented me from gaining control of situation before it gets out of hand.

I can honestly say this is the first time in my life where I’ve felt like I had control of my own life… and that’s because now I’m accepting responsibility for my decisions. If A had never told me her suspicions about me being Narcissistic, I don’t think I ever would have changed. I had to know what to change.

I can’t ever thank you enough for that A. Hopefully the improvement in our relationship will at least start to show it.

On a positive note I was able to get Belle, my new kitten, scheduled for an appointment to get spayed. She’s 5 months old, so I’ll have her spayed before she hits 6 months!! 😀 And it will be free cause I actually took the time to look up my options, love Colorado’s Dumb Friends League!

Drawing blanks

I’m supposed to start doing a craft blog for A. And so far every time I’ve sat down to write a possible blog post… nothing comes to mind. I don’t do many crafts anymore cause I don’t have the space really. I’ve still gotta finish organizing my room… which is proving difficult. Been trying to make a makeshift dresser out of boxes.. and I have no tape.. so the cats keep knocking them down.

I did talk to my therapist about the possibility of me being Narcissistic. She’s gonna help me focus on interpersonal relationships and being present in the moment. Trying to get me into a group therapy session specifically for women who have gone through trauma and need to work on their social skills.

I thought of several types of articles I could do.. but then I sit down to write.. and nothing.. read the blog posts she has up there.. they are mostly about current projects she’s working on.. or new craft supplies… has pictures and all that. Feels wrong to blog about crafts when I don’t do them much anymore. Was thinking I could do at least her WIP Wednesday… but I’m only working on one thing right now.. and haven’t done enough to consider it progress…

Yeah I know I’m jumping around.. it’s how my mind works….

I so much want to help her and take some of the pressure off especially with COB, I’m just starting to doubt how much assistance I can provide. Which of course is one of my main problems that I have… I doubt myself too much.. I’ve gotta come up with something…………………..

New Laptop

I got my new laptop today!!

Maybe now I can get back into the habit of blogging.

Things have still been up and down. I learned something about myself recently that has really opened my eyes on how I can change and what I need to do. Many thanks to A for being a great friend and not being afraid to slap me with the truth. Yes it hurts sometimes, but I needed to hear it.

What is it I learned? I learned that I’m a Narcissist. I had never known that narcissism comes in different forms. My tendency to only ever focus on the bad I’ve done, to always assume that if someone is upset or stressed that it’s my fault. Being unable to set aside my shit to support those I care about. The list goes on, but sound familiar? If you know me it will.

Took a couple days to wrap my head around it, but now I’m working on taking the focus off myself. I’m not keeping things in but I’m not beating them into people. I have to show my affection and care for people by making an effort to listen to them without getting defensive. It hasn’t been easy 30 years of thinking isn’t easy to change.

The other night was a good example. A got a little stressed about a situation that in the past has led to massive meltdowns and blow ups with collateral damage to all within the circle. I did my usual thing of assuming that it was my fault cause she stopped talking to me for a few min. The only thing I did differently this time was actually listen to J when pointed out that I was being narcissistic again. I’m hoping he and the others will continue pointing it out when it happens. I took a step back looked at the situation and realized that I wasn’t to blame.. I might have been the trigger but her stress was not all on me, because her world doesn’t even come close to revolving around me.

I’m gonna wrap this up for now cause I need to go see my therapist. I’m gonna try to be posting once if not twice a day. I’m hoping it will help me stop being so self centered.

Next post will be about my trip to see my beautiful daughter!

Saturday Sanctuary

I’ve been really bad about showing my support of A and all her wonderful projects. So this week.. I’m participating… Not really sure what I’m writing.. but I’m kinda just gonna go with whatever… so here goes.
The point is to write something creative.. anything. Please go see hers too. Birth Of A Notion

I looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what color to call them, they aren’t blue or green, more of a ocean color with a center of light brown radiating out through them… I often find myself just lost staring into their depths. Eyes are the window to the soul, his is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. Like the sea; which he loves; he’s deep, gentle, and strong.

Blinking rapidly I try to clear my head and remember what we had been talking about, so I looked to his mouth to see what he was saying.
“……a back pack trip across Antartica, wanna come with me?”

I blushed and laughed he had obviously noticed I wasn’t listening. “I’m sorry my love, but it’s kinda your fault… they are your eyes.”

“They are just eyes.” slightly rolling the beautiful oceanic orbs. “Anyways, I was wondering if you were ready to go?”

Nodding my head, “For the most part I just have to grab my purse.”

and…. that’s all I got.. but yeah…

A Miracle

I got the miracle I wanted. He isn’t willing to throw away 7 years of effort becaue I can’t pull my head out of my ass. And neither am I.
I can’t really even begin to explain what a relief it is that neither he nor A have given up on me. G.. well she’s very protective of her brother and I have repeatedly hurt him in some of the worst ways imaginable. I’ll consider myself lucky if she ever talks to me again.
We can’t go right back into where we were.. cause it was all built on a major lie and a lot of little ones.. but we are at square one. I’m totally okay with that. I refuse to let myself fuck this up again. No more lying… period. Even my autistic daughter knows better than to lie. She agrees with the family that Honesty is always the best policy. I wish I could say she learned that from me.. but obviously not. I’m just glad she won’t make the mistakes I have in the past. And from now on I fully intend to be the good role model that she deserves. That’s pretty much my main job as a mother.

J,
I have always loved you, and I know how much you love me.. this is crystal clear proof that you do. I have to believe our love is strong enough to overcome even my idiocy. I will spend every day of the rest of our lives being open and honest with you. Thank you for having even that small glimmer of hope. I will show you what it means to me, what you mean to me.

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