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Posted by on April 27, 2017

Give or take because of time zones it has been 15 days since the last time I had to talk about lines in the sand and being pushed to far. 15 days. That is all and it is not an exaggeration or me being an asshole. I looked because I was curious because the response to my thought about wondering WTF seemed like that meant it would be the last time. That yes indeed the message was clear, if things continue as they have been even soulmates can’t take a beating forever.

15 days.

There have been moments of course during those 15 days where if I could smile (wired shut jaw) I would have. Moments where I actually felt things could be shifting for the better, working as a team. The way that a relationship should. Those are the moments I tend to live for, the moments that remind me why I have chosen to forgive and try to make things work. Simple things really, something as simple as working together to pick a Birthday gift for someone. Such a simple little thing and yet, something that meant a great deal to me.

I wish those moments formed the bulk of the last 15 days unfortunately they don’t. The last 15 days have been full of more bickering, back biting, general flakiness and getting to feel in general again like a gigantic boob who never does anything right then I will ever commit to paper or electronic paper. I won’t say some of it hasn’t been my problem, I have had the flu, I am exhausted and I am stressed because my bills are not being met and the job I really want to be doing is not my job. I can’t even make myself useful and start working on the property I was going to rebuild by hand because I can’t buy the supplies. So I accept where I have been at fault but I don’t feel those moments deserve half of what comes flying back at me.

15 days that was all it took for me to go from trying to hold onto that one bit of hope that maybe I wouldn’t have to draw that line. To standing on the brink of an yawning abyss and I have no idea what to do about it anymore. Been no proper date night in whatever. Schedule changes then changes back, things get set up and then don’t work out. Can’t even ask hey how did the geek day go because there isn’t a chance too. Presently I get to sit in a limbo cycle of the current shit storm going on, her falling asleep during the conversation, then waking up and going from there. It is really really hard to be stuck in that sort of cycle for an extended period of time. Suppose this is what purgatory feels like. Fuck if I know anymore. At this point I should stop typing, I just feel like an unmanned asshole who’s been fighting to hold onto something desperately while being told not to fairly frequently.

Not even going to bother going into the constant need to prove how I feel. To prove myself. Seems that all boiled down again to two words.

15 days.

I really need to stop buying any form of jewelry. Rings, Collars, necklaces..bracelets. I really need to stop..seems to always end up being a bad omen instead of a good one.

15 days…..

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