Been a long time since I have bothered to blog. Still really not sure if I will keep this blog when the time comes up to repay for everything. Who knows. I still really don’t know much and I feel like I have very few places to turn to for dealing with the daily issues that compress down on me. Yes I have family and I love them, but I also know some of this stuff they are dead tired of listening to and I don’t blame them. I am sick of myself and sick of my inability to apparently make the right choices.
One bright side right now is my teaching. The kids are fantastic and I feel like I am actually teaching them, helping them so that they can have educated minds for a life time. Education is so important especially in areas where poverty is rampant. The more education you have the more chance you have to get out of poverty in these countries. So there is that and I am glad to be able to play some part in helping them. The kids really do seem to appreciate some of the simple things in life that many people in America and other first world countries take for granted. So that is a good thing. Something to hold onto.
Everything else is just the same muddled confused murk that it has been. Anytime I take a step I think is good, it is clearly wrong and shit devolves from there. It really is exhausting to constantly feel like you are damned if you do damned if you don’t. Certainly gives me big moments of, well why am I bothering to keep fighting? Just about every friend I have has told me I am insane for it among other things and a good chunk of my family has also pointed things out. Hell more then once the other person involved has even asked why I haven’t told them to fuck off yet.
I should be able to answer that. But I can’t because at this point I really don’t know. Sad but true.
I want to move forward, but I don’t know maybe the version of moving forward I have been trying for is not the kind that can happen. I have always thought that with enough love involved, enough understanding, empathy, talking and ability to heal that time and those things could heal anything. Maybe I have been far to optimistic and maybe somethings just can’t be healed that way.
I do know for me there is no way to heal things when those things can’t ever be talked about or dealt with. and I know that every time I start to feel comfortable enough to be a more unguarded version of myself, to joke like I do with other people and to delve into dealing with the vulnerable painful spots that surround me I get a reminder of why I need to remain guarded.
It happened again just the other day and it sucks and it hurts and I can’t address it because I am informed that I am holding the past over them and making shit worse by doing so. So I end up diffusing the situation as best I can and carrying on with random chatter as if nothing happened. It seems to be the only way to keep the peace and to have some sort of well at least this isn’t blowing up like a landmine again to it. Of course that often doesn’t work either, because then I am being cold or not sharing enough or something else. Leading to an overall feeling of I have no idea whether I am coming or going.
Like when trying to make the point that just because another person thinks their life or what is going on or whatever is boring, the other person might not. I made what I felt was a pretty clear case in point there, but all that was taken away was a negative thing. So I guess I didn’t do very well at all. Then again I never do. I point out a song I really think would be a benefit and nice thing for them, I am being pushy by asking about it days later because they have been sick. Fair enough we all get sick but even that imploded. I thought a song was a nice thing.
August has been a month full of crap for me, it always was going to be with my Mom having passed a year ago. But one year on I really just feel like I am standing still. Like despite the things I have done, I haven’t moved anywhere else. Emotionally I am just as fucked over as I was a year ago.
Joy of joy’s my Birthday is in 3 days.
It is very tempting to toss out all of my electronic communication and just stay hidden in the jungle. There is always the military option again as well. Yeah this is another rambling stupid ass all over the place post. All the more reason I should be deleting this blog. But there it is.
I shouldn’t even hit publish on this or password protect it at any rate. I am sure I will upset people again, be accused of holding things over a head again but so be it I guess. I have to get it out somewhere and somehow. If I am not allowed to get it out on my own blog well no body needs to read it. Massive wounds need drainage somewhere.
I really should delete this and everything else.