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Posted by on May 4, 2017

Most anyone who reads this blog already knows what has transpired over the last two days. A I am so sorry that again your Birthday ended up as collateral damage.

Title says it all. Still processing and frankly I don’t think there is enough time to actually process it all. Feels like I’ve been hung, drawn and quartered. So that is all I got at the moment. Time to take self inventory again it seems.


Posted by on April 27, 2017

Give or take because of time zones it has been 15 days since the last time I had to talk about lines in the sand and being pushed to far. 15 days. That is all and it is not an exaggeration or me being an asshole. I looked because I was curious because the response to my thought about wondering WTF seemed like that meant it would be the last time. That yes indeed the message was clear, if things continue as they have been even soulmates can’t take a beating forever.

15 days.

There have been moments of course during those 15 days where if I could smile (wired shut jaw) I would have. Moments where I actually felt things could be shifting for the better, working as a team. The way that a relationship should. Those are the moments I tend to live for, the moments that remind me why I have chosen to forgive and try to make things work. Simple things really, something as simple as working together to pick a Birthday gift for someone. Such a simple little thing and yet, something that meant a great deal to me.

I wish those moments formed the bulk of the last 15 days unfortunately they don’t. The last 15 days have been full of more bickering, back biting, general flakiness and getting to feel in general again like a gigantic boob who never does anything right then I will ever commit to paper or electronic paper. I won’t say some of it hasn’t been my problem, I have had the flu, I am exhausted and I am stressed because my bills are not being met and the job I really want to be doing is not my job. I can’t even make myself useful and start working on the property I was going to rebuild by hand because I can’t buy the supplies. So I accept where I have been at fault but I don’t feel those moments deserve half of what comes flying back at me.

15 days that was all it took for me to go from trying to hold onto that one bit of hope that maybe I wouldn’t have to draw that line. To standing on the brink of an yawning abyss and I have no idea what to do about it anymore. Been no proper date night in whatever. Schedule changes then changes back, things get set up and then don’t work out. Can’t even ask hey how did the geek day go because there isn’t a chance too. Presently I get to sit in a limbo cycle of the current shit storm going on, her falling asleep during the conversation, then waking up and going from there. It is really really hard to be stuck in that sort of cycle for an extended period of time. Suppose this is what purgatory feels like. Fuck if I know anymore. At this point I should stop typing, I just feel like an unmanned asshole who’s been fighting to hold onto something desperately while being told not to fairly frequently.

Not even going to bother going into the constant need to prove how I feel. To prove myself. Seems that all boiled down again to two words.

15 days.

I really need to stop buying any form of jewelry. Rings, Collars, necklaces..bracelets. I really need to stop..seems to always end up being a bad omen instead of a good one.

15 days…..


Posted by on April 26, 2017

I was planning on posting a WIP Wens today but I remembered that the current WIP I am working on is top secret so I can’t do that, and I kind of lost the motivation to do it anyways. Shit happens right? I used to think I was a pretty decent guy. I don’t want to be one of those people who stands there and goes I am the shit, I am a catch bla bla bla. These days though, I am always asking myself if I even deserve to be sucking up o2 on this planet. Ah well what can you do right? Shit happens.

It really just makes you question every damn thing you have ever done in your life and relationship when you are being told on a fairly constant basis “You should just dump me.” or some variant. To keep hearing that on a fairly consistent basis among all the other issues, really makes you ask yourself, do I suck that much as showing that I love you? Are my sacrifices and fighting for the relationship really that insignificant? I don’t know anymore and at this point I am talking out of my ass because I am beyond exhausted on every level. That said though I need to get back on the resume train so maybe I will be able to use my degree on some level somewhere sometime.

There are a lot of days lately that I ask myself why I didn’t just stay in the jungle. At least the threats you face in the jungle are pretty straight forward, snakes are gonna bite ya if you don’t heed their warning. Tiger may eat you for lunch if you aren’t present. That sorta thing.

On the plus side, McCoy seems to think I am pretty cool today.


Posted by on April 24, 2017

Image at http://www.birth-ofa-notion.com

 

Here comes another effort of trying to take part in more of A’s meme’s and trying to be a bit more active again since she was kind enough to get me a new theme and all. Yeah I am still in love with the theme. Another Monday is here and frankly I would prefer it wasn’t here. Last week was a rough week. A very rough week and not just because my jaw is wired shut and I got the flu. I won’t go into all of it but frankly I am fairly down in the dumps. There were moments of not bad last week and I do try and hold to those to get out of the dumps but I’m only human like everyone else. The cherry on top of the crap week sundae was our family suffering the loss of a Great Grandfather. I think everyone is feeling that kick pretty well. Anyways Monday is about music at least that is a nice topic, probably end up posting more later or another day..anyways I digress again music.

 

 


Posted by on April 21, 2017

I wish to keep this post, simple and stream line, because it is not for me. The first year is the hardest, one step at a time.

 


Posted by on April 15, 2017

So my wonderful cousin A hosts Saturday Sanctuary I mentioned it back in January and then like a dolt only took part in it once since then. I feel guilty about that A works so hard to try and get everyone she meets let alone family inspired and she gets so little participation in the meme’s she does but she diligently posts them nearly every week. I admire her for that and I will do my level best to be a better cousin and participate more, maybe not every week but I will try.

So if you would like to participate head on over to Birth of a Notion and see what is going on and how it goes, I know A would appreciate it. Meanwhile here I go, the inspirational photo prompt this week is:

A went with a poem and that inspired me to write one this week as well, I suppose we are a family with the hearts of poets when it comes right down to it.

My dominance is a gift
While it is deep and a part of me
I give it to the one I choose
It is not given freely

Like my love it is held close
And with me everyday
Like a gift of submission
It is earned through respect

Only those who have shown me
Patience, loyalty and trust
Will be deserving of my gift
For it is the soul within me

Shared and given with love
To those who see the inner me
And know that there is more
Than bondage and a firm hand

Show you have a submissive mind
And desire to please and submit
And my dominance will grow
With each passing day

Learn my wants and needs
And express honesty always
My heart will soon be yours
And we will exchange our gifts


Posted by on April 11, 2017

Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly things can go from nice and happy to what feels like a shit storm. It is of course in those moments when I am feeling that amazement and confusion that I end up asking myself where do you draw a line? When do you toss your hands up and think that maybe life is flipping you off? Oh I am sure lovely A would say I am being melancholy but we are all allowed sometimes eh?

Maybe it’s the meds, maybe its having my jaw wired shut still or maybe as I was accused of earlier I am in a mood. Love is a powerful force there is no doubt about that and I will never be one to say it isn’t. I firmly believe it is one of the strongest forces in the world. But sometimes it just can’t fix everything. I wish I could. I used to think it could, but I suppose as I have gone through life and been ground down with it I have become slightly jaded.

That is what life does to you I suppose, grinds you down. I do my best not to let it, but I am tired. I have given blood, sweat and tears to a country that doesn’t care enough about it’s people to see the harm being inflicted upon it now. A country that is slowly pulling itself apart at the seams. A country that doesn’t always treat those who put their lives on the line for it very well.

I am tired. A son who lost his Father far to early in a traumatic fashion and a Son who slowly watched his Mother become someone she would have hated. Who didn’t know him in the end at all and yet there he was. I would do it again, she was my Mother and she deserved more then what life gave her. I hope they are together again happy my parents wherever they may be.

I am tired a Brother who’s sister is seemingly always at odds with him now. We used to be so close. She and I and A were often called the three musketeers growing up. I was Porthos the fun one of course. She was Athos cause she could be so bloomin’ bossy and A was always Aramis for reasons that would not become clear until later in life. Scamper A’s dog was D’artagnan because why not. We aren’t the Three Musketeers anymore at least it feels as if we aren’t. Perhaps we shall be again someday. I surely hope so, but for now things are as they are I hate the strain but there are not many things I can do about it at this point.

I am tired of getting whiplash. I consider myself a fair man, a man who can go with things as they change and try to be good about it. But maybe I am not. For as often as I am told I am one thing or another, or that I am not doing something good enough maybe I really am not as flexible or fair as I think I am. Maybe I am really just a piece of shit on toast as I was told once among other things. I have tried so hard to bend over backwards and show how hard I am willing to fight for the woman I love. It just feels like it is never enough, I am never enough. No matter what I do.

Forgive perhaps the worst betrayal I have ever felt in my life and the continued lie that happened for sometime after it.

Literally lock away part of myself because of the issues someone else caused and I was now helping to deal with and clean up the issue and damage. I want to be clear that I don’t have anything against doing that, when you love someone you want to help lift them up and to help them feel better, to be their best self. I won’t pretend that it is easy to do when the cause of so many problems is a drug using, dealing, pimp ass fuckhead that you were left for. It would be wrong to lie about that. Hard or not, love is worth the effort but I am tired.

Things change and suddenly that part is wanted again and yet when I let it out of the box even a little bit. Problems. Problems and more problems. I don’t know what to do with that anymore. Honestly. I just I sit here and stare off into space going what do I honestly do. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t in this situation. I am so tired feeling like that. I just want to know what direction to go in order to get to the place I thought we both wanted to be. Life isn’t perfect, don’t I know it and people aren’t perfect I wouldn’t want them to be, but why do I have to be so tired all the time?

It feels like anytime I get a little bit of traction in the right direction it isn’t long before something comes along and shoves me back again. Whether it is a few steps or a mile. It sucks and I am so tired so so tired.

It seems that turning down working further with a wonderful group of kids to try and preserve forward momentum within a relationship didn’t do any good. That choice was on me, I made that choice and I don’t blame anyone but myself for it. I just wish that my choice had paid forward a little more then it has. If things keep going like this when I am in the same time zone and then only 8 or 9 hours difference what happens when that is 14 or 15 hours? Not that it will be that door seems to be closed and locked. I don’t regret choosing love but I do regret not going back to that work I loved too because the results haven’t been anymore positive then if I had gone. The issues and the comments and whatever else that goes with it which I was hoping would on a whole be avoided by not taking that position back up…are there anyways. Again I am well aware that life and people aren’t perfect, but 4 days after such a happy nice message seems a little to soon to me to be feeling like the shit of the planet again. The small blurp of being accused of not having faith was surprising enough, this latest go round I just I don’t know anymore. I am just so tired. So damn tired.

That tired is literal too. Beside having a crap load of medications on board, which I HATE by the way I have been trying to get up by 3am local time everyday so we have some time together. I don’t always manage it, even though I set a total of 6 alarms. While I can’t do my full security work like I want to be A has taken enough pity on me to at least give me some work so I can at least make my car and insurance payments and not feel like a complete and total loser. I help with the kids and help sort correspondence and a variety of other small things. I feel a little useful at least. But between the early hour up, the medications and running around after the kids and such. I am damn physically tired. I guess that effort to get up was misguided as well. Good to know I guess since evenings aren’t convenient or whatever.

I was taught that relationships were supposed to be team work. That relationships of true love were supposed to be full of compromise and tackling the mountains and things life throws at you together. Relationships are work, no doubt but your supposed to be working together towards the same thing right?

Today it doesn’t feel like I am in the same chapter with the woman I love let alone the same page and that makes me tired too.

Throw on top of that a guy who is naturally a Dom trying to deal with the times, days, and main shots are being called by one party that isn’t the Dom and you end up with me. A tired, exhausted mess.

I really probably should not be hitting publish on this because it is just as messy as I am and I am a huge mess right now. But I wont be a hypocrite. I told Amby she needs to start publishing the things that she types out and then deletes. That she needs to allow people to see how she is feeling.

TO NOT GO BACK TO CONCEAL DON’T FEEL.

So it would be wrong of me to tell her that and then delete my own mess of thoughts. This is me a confused, messy human being. Who is very tired.


Posted by on April 10, 2017

I don’t take part in this meme every week, I probably should. I thank A for having it running on her blog and next time I decide to do it I’ll see if I can use her banner as well. Very kind of her as always.

Been a trying Monday for myself. I am trying to feel better about it but sometimes you just have a bad day.


Posted by on April 1, 2017

Since I have some time on my hands I decided to watch a bit of Victoria the PBS/ITV period drama. I have loved every minute of it so far that I have watched, I mean seriously anyone who has seen it for even 5 minutes knows why. I was particularly for whatever reason excited about seeing how the love story of Victoria & Albert went. After all everyone knows they were one of the rarities in royal marriages, a true love match. They were passionate for one another as evidenced by the 9 children had pretty close together and of course her mourning. After her dear Albert died Queen Victoria never came out of mourning. I would have to check my facts but if I recall correctly she wore nothing but black for the rest of her life (and inspired the famous common black dresses ect we think of when we think of the Victorian age I believe), she also withdrew for the most part from public life.

For me this scene is the moment that she truly fell in love with Albert even if she wouldn’t admit it. I mean the man cut open his shirt to keep her flowers against his heart. That is an intense passion right there. I feel fore Lord M in this scene he loves the Queen no doubt about that it is as clear as her affection for him. He handles the whole situation with perfect grace and dignity though. He knew he wouldn’t be able to marry Victoria it just wouldn’t happen and despite her also clear affection for him she knew he had to let her go. The wince when she gives his flowers to Albert is heart breaking, but still what a class act. The way this scene is filmed and the way the Waltz is played out, artistic beauty. I am a sucker for a good love story especially when being told is a stunning and artistic way. The whole show makes me want to go out and get a good pair of hessian boots, maybe even with red tops.

Alright enough of my sappy prattle eh?


Posted by on March 28, 2017

Goodie goodie gum drops. The worst happened and old injury had flared up. To clean out the abscess to keep it from going into a full bone infection had to break my jaw in two spots and wire it back up. Good times right?

Went under having two different kinds of panic attacks so that was GREAT fun. Really. No seriously I don’t recommend being put under anesthesia why you are having not one but two panic attacks, it makes for a pretty miserable “night night” time.

I like Milkshakes but I already know the novelty is going to wear off very quickly. Last time it took about a week but oh I was younger then. Now I am just sighing and thinking about chewing gum or eating a big juicy steak. Yeah that one put in my head *face palm*.

I don’t get to work for a while either which is kind of something that ticks me off. I guess the bright side is I can catch up on my writing? Maybe even a few movies? Trying to find the silver lining. It isn’t easy because I am seriously NOT seeing one. Maybe the medication? Yeah I hate the feeling that happens when you have serious meds on board so not so much there either.

Ah well tomorrow I might get to try apple sauce. Yum yum. I think even the babies are laughing at me right now.


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